Hi everyone, After joining the forum last week and reading for hours, I have decided to introduce myself and hopefully gain the wisdom to help me save my marriage.
About 5 months ago I came home from work to be sat down and calmly told that ILYBANILWY by my W. She had a script in her mind on how to tell me and was very calm about it and after I fell apart she said she was shocked that I felt this way because she had assumed that it would be a mutually agreed decison to just say it was fun while it lasted and its time to move on. I was devastated to say the least. She had justified her feelings down to this and after a short period of trying to convince her I now know that this is a useless exercise as she just replies with saying she has made her decision and would only consider working on things if she felt romantically attracted to me again.
I have read many books and listened to many podcasts and have been working on personal growth goals and my emotions are mostly calm and centred after being put through the emotional meat grinder. I feel slightly comforted to see so many people on here to discuss things with and am thankful for any help. I am trying to focus on my own growth and happiness and also that of our two children so that whatever the future holds I will be in the best place to move forward. I see a counsellor on my own to help me in my growth and I find it very helpful. My wife says that counselling would be a waste of time and that feelings should not have to be forced and she is surprised that it would be this hard to end things ! The dust has started to settle now that I am feeling better about the changes and growth I have made with myself and that my W's decision to leave does not reflect my value and as I get clarity I am seeing that she is dealing with her own issues. She says she will move out mid next year - approx 8 months from now - and has only told a couple of close friends. She says she does not feel the need for divorce and wants to share the kids equally and share finances while the kids are at school - another 8 years. She would like to live very close by and share the family home while using a one bedroom unit nearby....I am not prepared to live in a unit as I have had no say in anything to do with this and I spend many months of the year living in hotel rooms for my work and do not wish to then be forced to do this when at home. I have yet to tell her anything that I want as I am just letting her feel heard and am trying to subtly promote her being able to open up and express how she feels - she does not say much about things. Boundaries will have to be established once she actually confirms her moving out next year as I have not said anything about what I would like and I don't want to make things worse at this stage.
We still sleep in the same bed and socialise together and go for coffee etc regularly. she says she just feels nothing for me and that she finds it hard to talk with me about anything. I told her that is probably because she has built a fortress a round herself and that if she just relaxed and realised I am not the enemy that she may find I am still her best friend. She has been better since then and we do have fairly good conversations and it is more relaxed...this all happened after she told me she didn't want to work on our marriage and doesn't want me to pursue her to which I said that I will give her all the space she wants but I still am committed to our marriage and want her to be happy - she said I can't make her happy anymore. I then said that I care about her happiness and if she needs to leave then I understand her reasons even if I would like her to join me for a brighter future where we support each others needs and aspirations. Only last week she told a friend that she is leaving me so things are amicable and we never raise our voices and never have after being together 26 years. Our children don't know anything yet and it hurts me knowing that my wife wants to walk away and not even try to revitalise our marriage. We are doing a two week holiday overseas at the end of the year and she says she wants to continue doing family holidays. I feel like she wants all the niceties of our family life but to have her freedom from me. She says she has to put herself first for the first time in her life and that she needs to put her happiness before the children as they will grow up and leave home eventually - she also recently said that she doesn't find parenting that enjoyable and gets more satisfaction from getting good results in her university exams. She would never have said things like this in the past and that started to make me question how she is seeing the world. I am not pursuing her and am giving her emotional space but this is a very soft breakup for her considering she sleeps in the same bed and shares the finances and we do everything together...I feel like it may be better for her to move out to get the space she really needs to miss what she has. She is a very stubborn person when she wants to be but hates conflict. I said that if she is that miserable then she should go to which she said the kids aren't ready etc and then she gets upset that she has to start her life all over again and then the emotion and frustration comes out. I am being patient and trying to be the lighthouse because i think she needs to take her journey but as you all know - It is exhausting to be around and I love her deeply and unconditionally but don't want her to cause hurt to the family.
Thanks everyone - I hoe you are all having a good week.
J
M 44/ W43 TOGETHER 26 YRS M16 S13/S10 ILYBANILWY JULY 16 STILL LIVING IN SAME HOUSE
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Don't take the words she's saying too literally. She wants to do what she wants to do. That is it. If you look for logic in her words you're going to drive yourself crazy.
Get a copy of DR and get a DB coach if at all possible. I know time zones make this challenging but it is your marriage at stake, well worth the trouble.
Post regularly and hang in until tomorrow. Don't do anything drastic, you have time on your side.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Like Zues said, your wife is full of shite right now; don't believe it. Hang in there, you'll get a lot of help on this forum. I'm off to punch the prime minister, but I'm hoping to return safely - wish me luck.
Thanks guys, I appreciate your replies. Lots of good reading there for me to start with.
I am just getting on with my daily life and am pleasant and positive in our interactions and try to achieve little goals each day. My wife still kisses me good morning and I have started to make less effort to approach her for affection so that she may come to me instead...which she does. It feels completely normal and I question is this really happening because we get along well. She is checked out but is very nice to me..she has said that she wants to do the right thing and does not want to end up like her mum and dad who don't talk to each other after they split when she was a young child....My parents are about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary so being in this situation is completely against my beliefs - I don't understand how someone can just say they are done and not want to even try to improve things....but thats just me ad I can't do anything to change her feelings except be my best. 5 months and I have made a lot of changes within myself and feel the happiest I have in many many years. I would like to think that in time she may see that things could be different.....
M 44/ W43 TOGETHER 26 YRS M16 S13/S10 ILYBANILWY JULY 16 STILL LIVING IN SAME HOUSE
It feels completely normal and I question is this really happening because we get along well. She is checked out but is very nice to me...
Bman72,
Her behavior is she because she wants her cake and eat it too. It's highly likely that there's another man in the picture and she wants both of you and her family. In her mind, she just has to finesse everything so that she keeps her family, sans the marriage, and the other guy as well. What could be better?
This reads like there is an affair happening here. Read up on them a bit and watch for some signs. It feels like she is reading from a script. She is 100% cake eating and that will only make things worse.
Read the DR book, detach, do not move out of your house. She wants space have her go get it. I'm sorry you are here but you're in for a bit of a ride right now. I wish you the best. I am newer to this and have found great support reading and interacting on this website.
The vets here have great advice and I'm sure they will start to chime in soon. Heed thier advice, embrace it. The advice may go against everything you think is right but trust that it will work.
We are here for you.
M:33 W:31 T:16 M:8 D:6 BD1: Aug 2 16 BD2: Sept 4 16 EA/PA confirmed W Moved out: Oct 7 16 Currently seperated- her choice
I 2nd that this reads like there is someone else in the picture. so many things In your post send up flags and are common on this board.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
Thanks for the replies everyone. I would not discount anything these days ...I asked her if there was anyone in the background and she flat out says that it is nothing like that. She is just tired of how our marriage was and wants to move on and put herself first in life - I immediately thought that there must be another man for her to just walk away without trying. I still wonder if there is someone she might not be involved with yet but has taken a fancy to and plans on something in the future and this has become an attractive fantasy in her mind to work toward. I am open minded to any possibility because these are crazy times and I am not a naive person...anything is possible. However - She works in a small business with a female boss and if she isn't there then she is at home studying and has had that routine for quite some time before she bombed me. We spend our days around home together and our weekend as a family. She does not spend much time using her phone and does not appear to have anything to hide - but maybe she is just really good at it haha. I will not spy or snoop and just think that if there is someone else then that is her choice and she will have to live with those decisions. I choose to be the best I can be and like myself for the changes and growth I have made and won't have regrets for not trying. I realise that I am not very experienced in this journey and if you say that you can see lots of signals that point to certain possibilities then I am all ears and await your input. Thanks again.
M 44/ W43 TOGETHER 26 YRS M16 S13/S10 ILYBANILWY JULY 16 STILL LIVING IN SAME HOUSE
