New to the Boards. Marriage in Crisis.

[Chris73]

Focus on being a manly male who is the leader of his family. You stop depending on your W. She does not want to be your mother. When a H leaves all the decisions to the W, it causes her resentment and a loss of respect for him as a man.

sandi2, you are SO RIGHT on this!! My W has been waiting far too long for me to start doing this. My excuse has always been, "Wah, I don't know how to be a man, no one ever taught me." But you know when she mentioned separation (and today marks 2 weeks since she did) something clicked in me and I started stepping up. There's no way to tell right now if it's too little too late, but it's been a long time coming and I'm not going to make anyone happy (including myself) if I can't "man" up!

Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions. As I got ready to take the kids to church I asked her again if she was coming with us (because she really didn't give me a definite answer the night before) she said, "I haven't decided yet, there's a lot of stuff I'd like to get done around the house this morning." So I said, "Ok" without another word and went about the rest of the morning making breakfast, getting the kids and myself ready, and getting myself all spiffy with my new clothes and smelling good. Right before we left I asked her one more time and she said no.

So off we went. And I put it out of my mind for most of the morning. Church was hard, especially after the kids went to their RE classes and I was left alone. But the people there are very friendly and I eventually had a few minutes with the reverend and told her about my family situation (while choking back tears). She offered her prayers and support, which was comforting.

The rest of the day was great. With the exception of my current M problems hanging over my head, it felt like a perfect Sunday afternoon with my family. I spent a few hours in the yard dealing with the leaves and then grilled up some chicken for dinner while my W made salads and sides.

After dinner was over and the kids went off to play we sat for a few minutes in silence just looking at each other. Then she starts the conversation with, "You know I still care about you right?" I said, "Of course I do". She said, "I feel really rotten." I said, "Why?" She said, "Because I'm putting my needs over yours and I know that it's hurting you." I said, "I understand." and then I said, "Look, we've always been able to talk to each other. No matter what happens we need to nurture whatever relationship we have because we will always be in each other's lives because of the kids." She got a little teary and there was silence for a bit. Then she said, "You look like you want to say something to me." I said, "Nope, I really don't. You know how I feel. If something changes for me I'll let you know." We hugged and then went on with our evening.

After the kids were in bed and everything was done to get ready for today, I went out for a soak in our hot tub. Once I came back in and changed for bed I sat down next to her on the couch. She was watching a movie and asked if I wanted to watch it with her. I said, "I'd like to but I really need to go to bed because I need to get up early tomorrow so I can get to the gym before work." Then I kissed her goodnight and went to bed.

I consider all of this a decent attempt to detach. It was hard and I'm sure you guys will point out things that I should have done differently, but I feel like I accomplished something.

Tomorrow I have an individual session with our MC and then Friday we have another couples session.

Comments/criticisms welcomed and appreciated.