G, I think those of us who have had significant loss of a parent early in life, in whatever way it was, have a particular reaction when we lose someone we love. It brings about those feelings of abandonment and unworthiness we once felt.
What I have learned through all of this is that how they feel or dont feel about me, has nothing to do with my worth. And that if I loved someone so much that I feel sad for some time, that is ok. It is part of who I am and I like that about me. I also know, without a doubt, that what you felt about him was real. And while he may have seemingly moved on or ran away from his feelings, I promise you that he knows what he had. He was just too scared to deal with it.
You looking at all of that and working through it takes strength. It would be far easier for you to just be angry with him and not face what you need to face.
I understand your feeling lonely, G. While we are ok on our own, it is nice to share your life with someone. I truly believe that happens when it is supposed to happen. And right now, you are still grieving some and I think because you are, comparisons to your feelings come into play.
Praying for you about the condo. And so glad you and little G are enjoying each other so much.
Hi Friend! I think think you did hit on something there. Feelings of abandonment. I feel as if most of the people in my life chose to abandon me, and it is beginning to get old. My dad left the house when my parents split, he was my rock and I felt abandoned, even though he was still there motionally, my mom took her life, my ex did what he did with no remorse, and abandoned me in every way he could the second he told me he was leaving, and exNG I trusted, loved, and I felt abandoned by him too. I am angry, honestly, that he gave what I asked for to someone else in a blink of an eye. I think it is what is driving me nuts.
And I completely realized I was playing the comparisons game. And I decided to drop it. It wasn't serving me well, put up a guard, and I realized I was trying to give myself reasons not to make it work with the plumber. So I did a 180. When I said what I said he stopped. Our conversation grew, we have been texting a lot and talking on the phone and he invited me over for dinner last night. I went against my self-imposed rules and I took the invite. We had a fantastic time. he cooked me dinner, we talked and talked and he told me how different this was for him to date a girl like me and that day I came right out and asked him what his intentions were he was impressed. He realized a whole day I didn't text him and he said that was new for him too.
So, I realized I was being my own roadblock. We are going out again tomorrow night.
Funny, anyone I have dated has been at least an hour away, if not further. It was so cool to be able to leave and not have to sleep over and be home in 10 minutes. Loved it. he also made sure I texted him again when I got home. I used to drive exhausted for 3 hours from someone's house and he never made sure I got home ok. There's a comparison, but a good one.
So, to stop being my own roadblock and embrace this.
Sounds wonderful on many levels...but don't go too fast! He seems to want to push things and you are breaking your self imposed rules! Glad you're able to come out and state what you want and ask him what he wants...that's cool Keep us informed and enjoy, you so deserve it. Btw, ex NG did not give someone else what you asked for...he found someone who was willing to take what he had to give and that wasn't very much apparently.
Sounds wonderful on many levels...but don't go too fast! He seems to want to push things and you are breaking your self imposed rules! Glad you're able to come out and state what you want and ask him what he wants...that's cool Keep us informed and enjoy, you so deserve it. Btw, ex NG did not give someone else what you asked for...he found someone who was willing to take what he had to give and that wasn't very much apparently.
Thank you WII. I am just letting things happen. No expectations.
And yes, it is true with exNG. It's where he is in his life now and I am somewhere else. I wish him the best but most of all, I wish me the best!!!!
I'm glad to see you gave him a chance and even happier that it didn't back fire, since I suggested you do it while others said to cut him lose. I know you'd never blame me but I'd still feel bad if it backfired. Great lessons here in that you told him what you needed and he can either step up or not. See how he noticed? This is huge for me and many guys. So many women just expect us to know. I know I often do not and that often kills things for me - it may have happened this weekend but that's a story for my thread. Anyhow, you see his reaction and it's been positive. Whether this works out or not, hopefully you are seeing the positive reaction to showing what you want and need and for teaching people how to treat you.
Now these self emposed rules of yours... What is the sense of having these "rules" if you break them on every date? Self emposed rule to not get in a guys car on the first date - yet you do it anyhow. Self exposed rule not to go to a guys house on the second date, yet you do it. I don't know if those rules are good or bad but if they are yours why are you breaking them? Just a question.
I also fear you may take things too quickly with thus guy. I again revert back to my own behaviors and know I could have that happen if someone reciprocated. It's been so long and we want it so bad. You will say you are taking things slow right up until you say you broke another self emposed rule. In fact perhaps wanting it so bad is why rules get broken even though we should not break them.
One of the great things about you, and there are many, is you are willing to look at yourself and improve. Many are so defensive that change can't even start because they are too busy denying it's a problem. You have the ability to see in hindsight that as long as you were willing to dive three hours ex was willing to date you. Take away your willingness to do that and the R stops. You see that now. The next challenge is to see it when it's happening
Finally, what's up with all the previous long distance things? I've had the same... 3 hours, 4 hours, 10 hours, 2 hours. Those under an hour have been one and done. Just wants up with that? Rhetorical question there.
GO SLOW and please either follow your rules or change them. You've been trying to be everything the guy wants. That's great but now the guy needs to be everything you want as well - both of you putting in 100/100 rather than you putting in 100 and the guy putting in 25.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Don, I always love your honest input. Actually, it was a lot of your input that made me reconsider my way of doing things.
I am glad you bring up the self-imposed rule thing. I have never done anything conventionally on the dating scene at all. Whether I moved fast or slow, on the ones that ended (well, obviously they all did) it had nothing to do with that. I hear all about these rules, and I am a grown-ass woman who doesn't need rules. I need to go with what feels right for me. It felt right to go to his house for dinner. I regret not a thing! I did whatever I, and the imperative word is "I" felt good about.
This is actually the one guy where I am not only accepting what is given out. I figure I have nothing to lose. So I am very straightforward with him about my wants and anything I decide to do is because it felt right and good for me.
So, I've got only rule- do what's feels right for me.
This is a WHOLE new dating experience for me. Dating someone from scratch that no one knows, I wasn't friends with first, and wasn't a friend. Oh, and that lives 10 min away.
Like I said, it was cool to have a date and go home and not have to sleep over due to distance. I think it's cool we can go out to dinner tomorrow night. I think it's cool that even if I have a kid weekend, I can simply get a babysitter. I don't feel bad about it because I have her most of the time and she REALLY wants a babysitter.
We have no reason to rush things.
On that note, I guess I sort of understand where exNG comes from. The distance is hard. having someone closer is easier to date. I just thought we were the hard, he didn't. But it is what it is, and now, I get the chance to give a local, a start from scratch guy a whirl.
Since you're going to have fun with the newest new guy (NNG), do you have any hot Mother Teresas you can send my way? I promise you, if they're young and dripping hot, I won't complain. For real. (No scams please.)
Doodler, WTF dude? You've got the one you went out with three or four weeks ago, the one with the southern accent, and the one with the recent D who just wants to put her head in your shoulder... Yet you want Ginger to send you someone else? What happened to all of these others, Mother Theresa aside? Did you even take any of them out? Seems to me all three are still in play even though last I heard you didn't have time to date anyhow with the kids needing your time and all. I'd say Ginger needs to send any hot dripping women my way. Or are they all like Mother Threasa in scamville... Or all a made up figment... Or is Doodler just a playah?
(For those readers among us who don't quite know or get me and my sarcasm, I'm just payin myself here... Well playing based in truth anyhow). Besides, Ginger is already my wing women - I called dibs over a month ago.
Ginger, glad I've been a help and sensed as much which is why I would have felt partly to blame if he pulled something on the next date. As for the rules, you're the one who self exposed them - no one else. I'm glad you are trying something new. Whether it works with the plumber or not I think you are doing the complete right thing and learning a lot in the process. Very solid learning expierence. As I've said before, the Rs that worked the best for me were the ones I had the very attitude you are striving for now. The harder I tried and the more invested I was, the worse it often went. It was with those I Pursued the least that lasted the longest. Hmmmmmm certainly sounds like I need to get back there, doesnt it? I've so lost my mojo of my late 20s, 30s and early 40s.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Keep us informed and enjoy, you so deserve it. Btw, ex NG did not give someone else what you asked for...he found someone who was willing to take what he had to give and that wasn't very much apparently.