My wife and I have been together for 21 years, married 17. She is 43, I am 44. We have 3 boys ages 15, 13, 11. Our issues started when my wife was pregnant with our first son. I was away for job training at a hotel, got really drunk one of the nights, cheated on her and I had a child out of wedlock because of that. I do not have contact with that child but have paid child support all of these years. We tried counseling early on but we never repaired our relationship and she never forgave me even though she stayed with me. She had tried really hard for a few years reading books, I would try too but I had such a hatred for myself for what I had done and the financial impact it had on us, I was never fully there to do what could have been a correctable situation at that time now that I look back.
A few years after I cheated on her the first time, I carried on a 3 month affair with someone at work because this person made me feel good about myself but I was caught because of phone calls and ended the affair. She told me if anything like this ever happened again we would be done. We were in counseling at the time but it did not help, she has never forgiven me for the past, I have been faithful since but still angry with myself and constantly struggling with stress due to the past and financial struggles. We basically moved forward without ever solving our issues.
I started changing for the better 4 years ago and am in a better place now and became the husband I always should have been, while my wife has gone the opposite way and is filled with anger, bitterness, selfishness and unforgiveness. She has been talking about possibly divorcing for the last year and a half and finally filed last month. For a lot of that time I was trying to do all the right things which were the wrong things because of her emotional state. She was in counseling for herself but that just let her to the decision to divorce.
I have Divorce Busting, read a few chapters but hard to find time to read due to living in the same house. I have sandi2's 37 Dos/Donts printed and read through them everyday. I have backed completely off, basically a last resort technique. My wife wants absolutely nothing to do with me, can't stand being around me. I am always polite even as she is always angry with me. It is extremely difficult being in the same house with the kids and the way my wife acts towards me. I am in counseling for myself and have been for six months, he is a good counselor and has helped me individually a lot. My wife refuses to go to counseling together and has refused for the last 3 years.
I want to save this marriage, she appears as though she has no other choice than divorce to make her life happy at this point. She has told me she does not want to look back 20 years from now and be angry she didn't leave me cause she should have left me years ago.
I feel as though I'm doing the best things I can with the situation I'm in now, not sure if there's anything to do differently since the divorce is in process now. I've been a lurker on the board for a few months so have read quite a bit. Any other suggestions or encouragement I will gladly accept.
Nick
H:44 W:43 M:17 S:15 S:14 S:12 W mentions divorce 8/2015 W files divorce 10/2016 D will be final 4/2017 Living together & will for a while
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi Nick. I can't really offer any advice. This is all new to me too. I can say that I'm really sorry to hear about what your family is going through and I hope that things get better for you. Chris
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Does anyone have any advice on "going dark" or "the last resort" technique when you are still living in the same house. We sleep in separate rooms. Wife filed divorce on 10-21-16, almost 3 weeks into the 6 month waiting period now. We will have a pre-trial and then assume we will go to court appointed mediation.
I deal with an angry, bitter, unforgiving, selfish wife (her words not mine, but true) basically everyday, feels she has given so much of her life to the kids and family while stuffing her emotions and now regrets everything except for the kids, that was her comment to me at last year Thanksgiving. Somedays she puts on a front so we get along ok, but I can tell she's always biting her tongue, I never respond with anger, I actually thank her for sharing how she feels when she does.
H:44 W:43 M:17 S:15 S:14 S:12 W mentions divorce 8/2015 W files divorce 10/2016 D will be final 4/2017 Living together & will for a while
So Friday is always the dreaded day of every week. The kids are in school and my wife and I are at home together by ourselves because I work Mon-Thurs and she does not have a job. These are the days that she will decide to tell me how terrible her life is because of me.
So this past Friday she decides to tell me how it is my fault she does not have a career now and nowhere to go. She quit her job 16 years ago so she could go to school full time to become an Elementary Teacher. She then proceeded to not finish getting her degree because she was going to stay home to raise the kids. These were her decisions and I supported her in her decisions because it is what she wanted, now she blames me that she is unhappy in her marriage and has no career.
She can't stand being in the same house as me, but has nowhere to go. I actually left this past weekend for 2 days to "give her a break from me".
I am being a positive person through all of this and improving myself and it just irritates her more. I also work with my boys 2-3 times per week preparing them for life by going over life skills, life lessons, bible verses, ect for their benefit and this also just irritates her.
This is such a struggle to keep myself going in the right direction with the impending divorce.
Nick
H:44 W:43 M:17 S:15 S:14 S:12 W mentions divorce 8/2015 W files divorce 10/2016 D will be final 4/2017 Living together & will for a while
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Should also add, that we homeschooled our kids and that is why she continued to not have a job all of these years, however after last year she decided she could not do the homeschooling anymore and we put our kids into public school for the 1st time this fall. She has a home based crafting business that she is trying to build, but to the best of my knowledge is not seeking any kind of full time employment.
Nick
H:44 W:43 M:17 S:15 S:14 S:12 W mentions divorce 8/2015 W files divorce 10/2016 D will be final 4/2017 Living together & will for a while
So my wife and I really don't talk at all, I would love to but I just irritate her and make her angry because she doesn't want to be around me let alone be in a house with me. If it has something we need to talk about with the kids we do but even then she just acts irritable cause she doesn't want anything to do with me. The most talking we do is on Fridays when we are both home and kids are school and it is just her being angry with me and I just listen, keep my comments minimal but don't disagree with anything she says.
Such a struggle because I've always loved being around my wife but she is just angry and hateful anymore and has been progressing to this the last four years and she is so resentful of me now.
After she filed 10/21/16, a bit of anxiety went away not worrying about when/if she would file. But now the anxiety of going through the divorce process.
I am always happy and positive around the house, getting things done, interacting with the kids and all of this just irritates her more. Have not been the most happy, positive person in the past.
I have detached as much as possible still living in the same house. I don't ask her anything about what she is doing or where she is going, don't initiate many conversations with her. Last night she was happy, laughing with the kids only, I'm not included when she is happy sometimes feel like she thinks its going to be a competition with the kids which is sad.
Made comments last Friday "I'm not doing this to abandon my kids" and "I'm not the crazy one in this" or "I'm not crazy". Has said this a few times, I just agree and say "I know".
I'm sticking with DBing, staying positive, practice mindfulness daily, practice gratitude for all the good things in my life...not knowing what she is thinking and the unknowns of the situation get to me sometimes til I get back my positive thinking and drag myself back out of the pit.
H:44 W:43 M:17 S:15 S:14 S:12 W mentions divorce 8/2015 W files divorce 10/2016 D will be final 4/2017 Living together & will for a while
So my wife and I really don't talk at all, I would love to but I just irritate her and make her angry because she doesn't want to be around me let alone be in a house with me.
Why are you so sure that YOU are the one that is irritating her? Maybe it is anyone that talks or says something to her.
Maybe she is just irritated with herself and is taking it out on YOU.
She has told me that the things I do around the house, me having a positive attitude, and getting my boys together weekly to talk about things like integrity, manners, ect. to help raise them to be good men just irritates her. She said she's seen this in the past and will get her hopes up only to have them crushed because it doesn't last. She told me this just last Friday.
She is angry that she has no career now that she wants to leave me and that she should have left me years ago, angry at herself but blames me for her choices to stay at home and homeschool our kids all these years. She only stayed in this marriage because of the kids and fear of not being able to support herself and fear of breaking up the family she always wanted. Emotionally she is not well but is seeking no help to my knowledge, I'm guessing she doesn't even want to try individual counseling again because the first step would be to see if there was a way to work things out with me.
H:44 W:43 M:17 S:15 S:14 S:12 W mentions divorce 8/2015 W files divorce 10/2016 D will be final 4/2017 Living together & will for a while
