MLC H at age 32, maybe single mum with a toddler S

[Maybe]

Thanks Zues126 for your reply. I feel very lost at the moment. Perhaps it is the fact that S is so young, I can't imagine not knowing what the verdict is until S is 3 years old! Those are the best years we can have of our kids, I am mad at H and I think I have used this anger and frustration towards our S when he's misbehaving. I am disappointed at myself too...

He said he was depressed not long after S was born, because S woke 6,7 times a night, and I couldn't handle it. He still wakes BTW, I just got used to it... and he was taking on a lot of the housework because I wasn't doing well. He said multiple occasions that S is here now and he loves him, but if he knew how it's like he wouldn't have any kids. It's male postnatal depression, but I got my own issues to deal with at the time. The only difference is I admit it and try to find help. He dealt with it with excessive porn watching. And when we left for holiday, which he refused to come with, he got to turn his fantasy into reality by seeing an escort. Then it's the turning point from that. I guess it's the guilt of him crossing that line.

We lived together for 8 years, I inisisted on getting married before having children. We had a great elopement because he didn't want any family there. I didn't mind, I was just happy to marry him. He told me after he enjoyed our wedding day. And he was the one who proposed when we were traveling in Japan, suggested having children. Now all of the sudden, he had never really loved me, I pushed him into the R and later the M. There was little good time being with me. And so on and so on.

I know that I need to let him do his things. But it's hard to keep cool while seeing him regularly. He never knows his dad, so he makes an effort to see his son. Which it is good and bad for me. It's hard to detach because I was so dependent on him for so long. I am learning fast to be alone and somewhat okay. But if I stop, he is the background noise that is always there...

How to pull back when he is around so often?

Anyway, thanks for asking, good excuse for me to get this out:)