Basically, our marriage has been very rocky for a few years. We have gone cold and have lived as "roommates" for many years. We always got along fine and didn't fight very much. We spent a lot of time together travelling with the kid's. We could always laugh and joke together. The last year has been really rough and the last 6 months before separation, she started to sleep on the couch.
I have always been the more distant one and didn't put much energy into the marriage. She did most of the work for many years and tried to be loving and do anything for me. I was certainly helpful and did my share around the house. Over the last few years, she kind of gave up trying and we spent most of last year in silence, but always friendly.
The 180 for a husband that acted like the above is NOT to completely detach and become "more distant". To do so only reinforces your wife's justifications for leaving and having her affair in the first place.
You conflict avoided and ignored the elephant in the room for several years and that didn't work out for either of you, did it?
I'm not suggesting this far down the avoidant path you have any ability to angrily confront her about her adultery, but, really, she needs to know you know, that you actually care (and are devastated by it) and maybe that YOU need to take some time and space from her.
Don't spend hours and hours agonizing over this with her as she'll just spew her rationalizations and justifications at you trying to gaslight you into accepting this as all your fault (or a figment of your active imagination). You don't have to prove what or how you know anything to her - SHE KNOWS she's having an affair and her blame shifting and anger just prove it further.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
