Whether to confront or not is totally your decision. With that said, if she finds out you knew and said nothing then she will lose any shred of respect for you she might have left. Back to the doormat thing. The only time not to confront is if you're going to blindside her with divorce papers and are gathering evidence before she knows you're looking.
To save the marriage, if you want to, then you have to refuse to be disrespected like this.
I'm with TxHubby on this one. It's your decision but ultimately, if you want to save your marriage she has to know you know about her affair and refuse to continue to participate in HER manipulative lies.
Consider that one of the hurdles to any possibility to recovery includes her potential fears that - 1. If you knew, you wouldn't forgive her 2. If you knew, you'd hold it over her head forever 3. If you knew, you'd stop being nice 4. If you knew, you'd make her feel guilty and ashamed, and \ 5. She could never come back for fear of you finding out or having to tell you one day (and risk you leaving her then after she gave up OM for you).
Her knowing you know and may still be willing to save the family/marriage is a hurdle you'll need to jump some day.
Speaking truth to someone and simply saying that what she's done and continues to do is wrong and abusive, isn't the same as being demanding, begging, pleading or pursuing. You can be calm and expressing your devastation is appropriate and HONEST too (without expecting her comforting you at all - because she won't - she'll be in full denial mode first and if you get over that then full blaming mode second).
You can speak truth without expectation of her changing her ways. She's had months and months of rationalizations and justifications built up in her mind so surely she doesn't feel what she's doing is wrong on any level nor does she need to stop it.
That being said, you don't have to keep up the nice, kind act anymore either and you would simply be explaining why you are discontinuing contact with her and detaching. Otherwise, she'll just see your "detaching" as completely consistent with the behavior you exhibited the last few years of your marriage. She'll chalk the last few months of your kindness up to a manipulative act you put on to take back your possession (her).
I think your kids should know too. Not in any kind of vindictive manner but just as a matter of fact honest way. Chances are they've probably already met him and have a lot of confusion about the issue. They may even KNOW and are suffering keeping the hurtful secret from you for fear of hurting you more and/or unsure loyalties to wayward mom. More often than not, children blame themselves and wonder if they had behaved better mom would not have left (wayward moms are very bad and impatient mothers). Your children have a right to know the truth about their lives and family albeit in an age appropriate manner.
It's certainly a tough call for a conflict avoider (I know, I was one too but I confronted and eventually saved my marriage). IMO, speaking of truth is not in any way what is or will tear you family and marriage apart. Words do not push you two apart and if your wife becomes hateful after you let her know you know, that's her choice. IMO, she's acting hateful right now lying to your face and dating/screwing another man while married to you. The affair is the elephant in the room and IMO, the manlier way to approach this is not through conflict avoidance or fear. Whatever will be will be. Truth doesn't kill marriages - affairs do.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
