New ILYBANILWY

[Bman72]

Hi everyone, After joining the forum last week and reading for hours, I have decided to introduce myself and hopefully gain the wisdom to help me save my marriage.

About 5 months ago I came home from work to be sat down and calmly told that ILYBANILWY by my W. She had a script in her mind on how to tell me and was very calm about it and after I fell apart she said she was shocked that I felt this way because she had assumed that it would be a mutually agreed decison to just say it was fun while it lasted and its time to move on. I was devastated to say the least. She had justified her feelings down to this and after a short period of trying to convince her I now know that this is a useless exercise as she just replies with saying she has made her decision and would only consider working on things if she felt romantically attracted to me again.

I have read many books and listened to many podcasts and have been working on personal growth goals and my emotions are mostly calm and centred after being put through the emotional meat grinder. I feel slightly comforted to see so many people on here to discuss things with and am thankful for any help. I am trying to focus on my own growth and happiness and also that of our two children so that whatever the future holds I will be in the best place to move forward. I see a counsellor on my own to help me in my growth and I find it very helpful. My wife says that counselling would be a waste of time and that feelings should not have to be forced and she is surprised that it would be this hard to end things ! The dust has started to settle now that I am feeling better about the changes and growth I have made with myself and that my W's decision to leave does not reflect my value and as I get clarity I am seeing that she is dealing with her own issues. She says she will move out mid next year - approx 8 months from now - and has only told a couple of close friends. She says she does not feel the need for divorce and wants to share the kids equally and share finances while the kids are at school - another 8 years. She would like to live very close by and share the family home while using a one bedroom unit nearby....I am not prepared to live in a unit as I have had no say in anything to do with this and I spend many months of the year living in hotel rooms for my work and do not wish to then be forced to do this when at home. I have yet to tell her anything that I want as I am just letting her feel heard and am trying to subtly promote her being able to open up and express how she feels - she does not say much about things. Boundaries will have to be established once she actually confirms her moving out next year as I have not said anything about what I would like and I don't want to make things worse at this stage.

We still sleep in the same bed and socialise together and go for coffee etc regularly. she says she just feels nothing for me and that she finds it hard to talk with me about anything. I told her that is probably because she has built a fortress a round herself and that if she just relaxed and realised I am not the enemy that she may find I am still her best friend. She has been better since then and we do have fairly good conversations and it is more relaxed...this all happened after she told me she didn't want to work on our marriage and doesn't want me to pursue her to which I said that I will give her all the space she wants but I still am committed to our marriage and want her to be happy - she said I can't make her happy anymore. I then said that I care about her happiness and if she needs to leave then I understand her reasons even if I would like her to join me for a brighter future where we support each others needs and aspirations. Only last week she told a friend that she is leaving me so things are amicable and we never raise our voices and never have after being together 26 years. Our children don't know anything yet and it hurts me knowing that my wife wants to walk away and not even try to revitalise our marriage. We are doing a two week holiday overseas at the end of the year and she says she wants to continue doing family holidays. I feel like she wants all the niceties of our family life but to have her freedom from me. She says she has to put herself first for the first time in her life and that she needs to put her happiness before the children as they will grow up and leave home eventually - she also recently said that she doesn't find parenting that enjoyable and gets more satisfaction from getting good results in her university exams. She would never have said things like this in the past and that started to make me question how she is seeing the world. I am not pursuing her and am giving her emotional space but this is a very soft breakup for her considering she sleeps in the same bed and shares the finances and we do everything together...I feel like it may be better for her to move out to get the space she really needs to miss what she has. She is a very stubborn person when she wants to be but hates conflict. I said that if she is that miserable then she should go to which she said the kids aren't ready etc and then she gets upset that she has to start her life all over again and then the emotion and frustration comes out. I am being patient and trying to be the lighthouse because i think she needs to take her journey but as you all know - It is exhausting to be around and I love her deeply and unconditionally but don't want her to cause hurt to the family.

Thanks everyone - I hoe you are all having a good week.

J