Me and Mildlife and...III

[CT1118]

{quote=ericsmant2]
Just stopping by to say that I've loved your last few posts. Keep digging inside yourself. You are doing an amazing job from what I can see. [/quote]

Succinct, but not overlooked.

I cannot help but feel not worthy to any of this. I have helped many. I want to help more. Yet, I feel now my motivation for 'wanting' this have been so wrong from the start. Is it wrong to want to help others so that you can feel better about yourself>? This is how I feel right now, and I feel this is dumb ass thing to ask.

I would love to see you expand this a bit....

You and me, we aren't so much different...

One of the reasons I posted to you...

Mach1 -

The post this came from, I ended it mentioning my s5 evoked the statement "Hulk in my blood". He first said this to me somewhere around fall of '15 - so a year ago, roughly guessing. The imagery of this was profound. Especially since my s had only known the Hulk in the very little kids version. Effectually, anger was inside me. This statement, combined with the realization of begging my w to speak with me about our issues and being refused, being told it was 'too late', and knowing I lived a lie before both of them. A in the silent drug addiction I carried - signs were missing as in I had never been caught taking or my stash found, but the symptoms of long term Oxy addiction - the anger, the abandon of external projection, the disregard for all around one's person. Oh, those were very present. Despite the demon's grip, moments of my love came through. So yes, I did see why even a child would correlate me to the Hulk. Enigma continued...

I quit using cold turkey in Fb '16. I do not want a praise for this, but Oxy is not called 'heroin pills' for nothing. Its ugly. I will leave it there. So there, the journey began before it, but this is where I became aware of it, coincided with w's escapades. Five months later, I landed here on safe ground - somewhat instinctual, somewhat chaotic, mostly lost, all intrinsic.

That was home. Outside of home, much different; way before drugs, way during, way after. Outside of home, I was not the Hulk, heroism was not questioned. The opposite of Hulk indeed. Excellence was not only expected at work, I made it compulsory. I applied education and training flawlessly to distract from my f'ed up self to be a great leader, to inspire. to charm, to use charisma. When excellence was not good enough at work, I sought it via education, I sought it via volunteerism, and I subtly flaunted it...emails would look like, "Mom, just wanted to let you know I was on TV again today, sharing because you are not in the area" or "[boss], I mentioned last week I was leaving work early for the article, here is a copy".

My own fog faded, accelerated by here. I realized while I did good things: facilitated learning. provided through outreached, improved my organization...my motivations were all negative - all selfish. Brain was switching from selfish to selfless to self. Still performing - HSt how did I go through all this and still perform in so many areas?!? Power of a functional drug addict, cover up surpasses nature - not second nature, the first nature. Its not for real, but it functions. Then my motivation was no longer to cover it up, but I am still motivated to do those great things from my past, because they were/are good. Robin Hood - helping others, base at base, you gotta reconcile you're a thief. What happens when Robin Hood finds a way to help without stealing, when the Hulk finds a way to punch evil in the face while remaining Banner?

A reckoning of self. The DB process - principle v. principal. I did indeed change "one thing". That one thing was me. Its a big thing. But what about those little things which create the self collected? Principle - this was my basis for projecting a fake me to the world while covering a up a fake me. Principal - I became the most important, and I had to sift through ash to find the little things worth saving. The remnants of self. A revenant - the same person, different motivations, but the same traits.

What do I do with that? I suppose I continue to help. It makes me feel good. Sht, I may have been a split person, one "the lighthouse", one the ship lost of safe harbor. Enigma - you and Eric (or all of DB forum) the light in front while I shined a light behind to lead others to and not fro'. Even I am incorrect, in any way...

My motive before or after all of this...someone, somewhere in time, somewhere here, somewhere down their path, gets linked in here. They read slow. They realize a mentor(s). They awaken from dreams within dreams. The find sand on the shore, which just failures of unrealized stars, they find hope. The work here is honest, the work here is brutal, the work here is necessary, they got here because one other or more gave a sht enough to push, to bring it to the surface. In rereading/rewriting now...

I am a good person. I am a good person. I do not believe in deserve, because I did not merit what I have been through. I do believe in earned, because I did put in the work (good or bad) for what I have experienced. Are we sill not much different? It feels comforting to know that the time between sitch, that the different geography, that the different actors still result in similitude. In this case though, I do not feel such a way because misery loves company as I did when first arrived, but I think hopeful must also love company, for no other reason than we have earned it.

Mach1/Eric : Philanthropy of the experience - you laid a winning hand face down and let me take the pot because you saw I needed money, when the whole time you knew I was bluffing. Don't leave the table yet.

[ericmsant2]

CT

I did indeed change "one thing". That one thing was me. Its a big thing.

And this ^^^^ is really the gift YOU have given yourself. It is the prize for all of the work that YOU have done.

Mach1/Eric : Philanthropy of the experience - you laid a winning hand face down and let me take the pot because you saw I needed money, when the whole time you knew I was bluffing. Don't leave the table yet.

I am not leaving the table just yet. And on that note….


You are doing a great deal of digging. It can be both a blessing and a curse. Change comes in TIME. It is much live a river in that it is fluid. As much as the digging will teach you things about YOURSELF. Be careful not to overdo it. Do not forget to take time for YOU to just “be”. To enjoy the things in life that are meant to be enjoyed….your son, nature, hobbies, etc.

Reading Grit…I think is going to be very good for you. He is an amazing individual.

Do not forget to “be”.

None of us are perfect. None. IMO, your goal is to not try and be perfect but to be comfortable in who YOU are as YOU are – faults and all.

Have a great weekend.

Eric

[AndrewP]

Just a couple of pearls here. Thanks as always for sharing.

Brain was switching from selfish to selfless to self.

I've mentioned this story a number of times and it was, while fiction, a great help to me on my own journey. In a Terry Pratchett novel, "Witches Abroad" the main characters end up in a hall of mirrors where they are told that in order to escape that they had to find "the real one". Character A starts running off and looking in all the mirrors. Character B looks down at her boots and says "this one". Knowledge and recognition of "self" is critical in this journey. No longer thinking of ourselves as only "the other half" or as a reflection but whole in and of ourselves. I've often thought that this really describes the difference between my MLCer and myself. Early in my journey I had a very good friend who I credited with helping me find my own boots. You just said it in a lot less words and perhaps meant something completely different than what I got out of it.

I am a good person. I do not believe in deserve, because I did not merit what I have been through. I do believe in earned, because I did put in the work (good or bad) for what I have experienced.

One of the things I often get from well-meaning friends is "you don't deserve this", "it's not fair" and I'm sure that a lot of LBS arrive here singing that same song. I'm with you on this. You get what you get, there may or may not be a greater plan but you deal with what is in front of you and not moan that it's "not fair".

[CT1118]

Son is with spouse this weekend. Went out with friends last night for an after work beer, the drove to meet different friends to see a band play that we all like. Good time.

I took today off to try and "catch up" on a number of things. Especially my journal about my sitch. It was an up and down week and I wanted to get it all written. Didn't work. Just felt particularly tired. Ate some food and fell asleep on my sofa for a few hours. It felt good, but wish I hadn't as now it is midnight and I am tired, not feeling sleepy if that makes sense.

You are doing a great deal of digging. It can be both a blessing and a curse. Change comes in TIME. It is much live a river in that it is fluid. As much as the digging will teach you things about YOURSELF. Be careful not to overdo it. Do not forget to take time for YOU to just “be”. To enjoy the things in life that are meant to be enjoyed….your son, nature, hobbies, etc.

Do not forget to “be”.

It is a blessing and a curse. And I think I did overdo it. I have wondered for over a week now if the once diligent and timely scripting in my journal which fell off two weeks ago is not my subconscious tapping out and murmuring "please leave me alone". I am trying to "be", not to forget, but to learn, because I never knew. And this is a confusing and frustrating position. I have hit it a few times, shows progress, but yeah, TIME.

One of the things I often get from well-meaning friends is "you don't deserve this", "it's not fair" and I'm sure that a lot of LBS arrive here singing that same song. I'm with you on this. You get what you get, there may or may not be a greater plan but you deal with what is in front of you and not moan that it's "not fair".

I too have heard the "you don't deserve this" from well-meaning people. I never recall saying or thinking that. While the word can be synonymous with earn, I don't feel that 'deserve' is applied the same linguistically. I think the word is fine when stating something like "The situation deserves your attention", but when applied to pronouns like "I" "you", etc, especially in situation perceived as being negative, I feel the word has a tone of judgement which is negative. Saying "you don't deserve this" implies the cause of what you don't deserve is wrong and not to be understood from the cause's perspective. Such statements are the rejection of seeking to learn interests or comprehend our ow position in the dynamic. How I view anyway.

Tomorrow is a new day, I got through this one.

[AndrewP]

CT1118 - I've been meaning to write this for a few days but kept forgetting. One brief mention you had about an interaction with your W triggered an alarm bell for me. I don't recall the exact situation but she seemed to be saying that she resents her son and that he takes too much effort and time for her. It was from when the three of you were together.

I may be reading too much into that but in the longer game I just thought I'd raise a warning light that you may want to be sure that your son is well cared for, happy and that you may be looking at having primary custody.

Again - this was from one comment on a post seen well around the curve of the planet by a guy who often misses what is right in front of him but I just thought it worth mentioning.

I hope you are well and look forward to your next post and visit.

[CT1118]

CT1118 - I've been meaning to write this for a few days but kept forgetting. One brief mention you had about an interaction with your W triggered an alarm bell for me. I don't recall the exact situation but she seemed to be saying that she resents her son and that he takes too much effort and time for her. It was from when the three of you were together.

I may be reading too much into that but in the longer game I just thought I'd raise a warning light that you may want to be sure that your son is well cared for, happy and that you may be looking at having primary custody.

Again - this was from one comment on a post seen well around the curve of the planet by a guy who often misses what is right in front of him but I just thought it worth mentioning.

I hope you are well and look forward to your next post and visit.

AP, I can understand why you would think that, but it is not exactly correct. The weekend of October 29, we took him to a costume thing in our city and she had the idea to get brunch before we did that - brunch was always our thing as a family and it had been a while. On the walk thru the city to get to the place her and I were really connecting and it was clear she was really enjoying the connection. He kept interrupting and cutting us off. She did flip to the point of walking away and she mumbled something about this being why we (her and I) were in the place we were in.

As well, she definitely struggles with him when she is alone which she has expressed regularly. I am not so sure this struggle is different than any other WW or MLC, where the board is full of child abandonment and disappointment on behalf of the LBS (check out our friends RG, IT0402, Cherry for example). But disappointment is not harm's way. Her inability to frame her own life beyond her own depression of selfishness is to be expected. I have come to recognize in recent weeks that she is certainly showing symptoms of being depressed. Its in her linguistics - the way she speaks of herself, the things she says to me, the negative subtlety, the use of personal pronouns. Its in her body language - the way she looks at me, the change in approach, the appearance of loss.

You do raise a point Andrew - one which has haunted me to some degree. Not sure I have mentioned before, so why not now? If I wanted to pursue full custody or a controlling custody, I do live in a place where I could go for it. I could have chased the fact that she lets the OM around him and the OM has a recent arrest record (nonviolent). I ultimately decided that is not what I wanted. Is he well cared for, not psychologically, no, but is he in any direct harm, not from anything I have witnessed. Cadet, J3Beans, Mach1, and Job helped me get over it on the first page of my first thread here if you wish to read it. I don't want to keep my s away from my W, for either of their purposes in this world. A boy needs his mother,a boy needs his father.

They are codependent upon each other. I can see it as clear as sunrise. It ain't good. It ain't my sht either. As I have learned, all I can be is the rock, the lighthouse, the example - the best I can be. That may sound harsh regarding my son, but I have to place trust in my future self to know what to do when I get there and in his future self to have paid attention to his father and himself somewhere along the way.

I actually had a really great GAL day. Caught my journal up, watched an awesome hockey documentary, bought some clothes, made a financial plan, re-wrote my goals (they needed updating), gave dog a bath, cleaned apartment, did a bunch of pushups, hung out at the music store playing guitars for an hour. Getting ready to hit some school books. Not bad, been a while since the GAL's were this focused.

[Surfer]

actually had a really great GAL day. Caught my journal up, watched an awesome hockey documentary, bought some clothes, made a financial plan, re-wrote my goals (they needed updating), gave dog a bath, cleaned apartment, did a bunch of pushups, hung out at the music store playing guitars for an hour. Getting ready to hit some school books. Not bad, been a while since the GAL's were this focused.

Loved the GAL.

What's yours buddy? What's going on to distract you.....

Always watching.

Surfer.

[CT1118]

Loved the GAL.

What's yours buddy? What's going on to distract you.....

Always watching.

Surfer.

Surfer - the GAL have become reduced these days - what I wrote the day of the last post:
wake up at first alarm - stop abusing 'snooze' button (big deal for me)
get Jeep looking good (it looks like 10 years of bad mud, I washed it the day I wrote it).
pushups - why did I stop? 100/min (so far met this)
big walk w/dog - poor guy, i had been just doing the 2x a day bathroom walk, nope, big walk, let him enjoy some other dog butt.

Always indeed

[CT1118]

Service required. FWIW, IMO, WTF - and all of the above.

I have not requested help in some time (directly) but, seems my sitch is in a new level of bizzaro.

I will pick up with a week ago (no reason, not ordinal). My spouse became very 'text' oriented w/ me. What was just a communication format of "I got him...", "His teacher said.." etc, turned into some actual level of talk - jokes, links, copy cat, etc. Please know I read nothing into it. This continued through weekend and into this week. Tuesday (two days ago) was a big day for son, having tested for a learning disability. Spouse could not make it (not a surprise she put her job first, but this was not the time to choose a higher horse). She came by my place early AM to drop him off. She brought some crab chowder and bread she had made/baked the night before. I was not expecting that...she is an excellent cook. I am actually not bad, but since single I have not given much of a sht to actually do it. Three weeks ago she brought me homemade jam when dropping off son. Anyway, soup - dropped off, son dropped off. Came in the door and wanted a hug, I backed a bit, she came in, kissed cheek, opened w "I love you". This comment was not returned.

Small talk. I put soup away. Now we spoke about son's assessment. She micromanaged... ask this, ask this, ask this. Ummmmmm, listening/not listening. Bye, hug, she kissed cheek, said 'I love you again', This time I responded in kind (perhaps not with enthusiasm I should have since I was willing to respond that way), have a good day. Later, I sent her an email with the info from the doctor. One reply "be sure to copy all this to his teacher" I did not respond. Went on to have an f - ing awesome and unexpected day off from work with my son. We at lunch at a diner, played basketball, did a tree hike, and he hit the playground for an hour and insisted on watching me do backrolls off the pull-up bars.

She has made moves, subtle at best, in the past few weeks to know more of me. I have posted this. Earlier this week she called to tell me about how my BIL was going thru some chit w/ his s11 who was diagnosed with asperger's. Well, one of my best friends had a son diagnosed at the same age, but a number of years ago. I contacted BIL, said I hear this, I heard that, "I know a guy who may be able to help, but that is an offer, if you ask, I will help out" He asked, I called my friend, relayed info back to BIL.

Tonight while in my Grad class. Phone was on silent. I keep it on my desk to look u concepts real quick which pertain to class. She calls, I rejected call. 20 min. Later, break from class. I called back, she asked if her brother called her. "No"
Her, "When he texted you yesterday I bet he did not tell you that he cheated on [his wife] and she found out. She immediately wanted a divorce.
Me, "...ok..."
Her, "I told him you have to tell her everything. And you have to decide what you want. He was freaking out. I told him do you stay with her and spend the rest of your life making it up to her or do you say this is irreconcilable and broken and move on?" She told me he asked why their family was so f'ked up and she said "I do not know, but we definitely have some trust issues. I told him he should not play the victim." So I simply said "Im sorry you ha to go through this, but I have a small amount of time between class breaks. I am going to get coffee. I will speak with you tomorrow".

What can I do with this? Was this a chance to say what I went through, or I did it right by saying what I felt, which was almost nothing and did not feel like more? Or, are these the wrong questions?

[AndrewP]

Hmmm - CT1118 - What do YOU want? We've written back and forth a number of times about the researcher's bias and it looks like you are making an extra effort here to avoid that.

job or eric or one of the other vets can provide you with real advice but would you suggest that her "baking" is proceeding? Is she coming to a place where she would be willing to put in a similar effort to what you have done to be a complete and whole person? You don't want to end up being Chef BoyarCT here again like you have been for her in the past.

If I wanted to be cynical I could suggest that she is trying to hold on to you and manipulate you back into being her rescuer again but from the very narrow window I have it doesn't look like it. She seems to be fairly self-aware as was indicated by her advice to BIL.

If you do meet for coffee do as everyone suggests and keep your expectations at zero. I'd suggest that you focus on BIL and not her.

Good luck. I think you did the right thing by staying as neutral as you have. No expectations.