I am reposting this here because I am not getting any response at the MLC section. I hope I will get some replies here...
Firstly, I am not good at telling stories. Excuse me if I jump all over the place. Secondly, English is not my mother tongue, I am sure you will know what I mean, but I can be saying some funny phases. Any who, this is my story.
I neglected my husband for a year. I have to say parenthood had taken a toll on both of us because we both grew up in broken families. We jumped into it not knowing what to expect and with no help. I was deaf to his complaints, he mentioned he was depressed but I just assumed he will get over it. At the time my very unsettled son was my one and only priority. I was unhappy too. He was helpful around the house and supporting me but my son was not getting easier and he was almost one. I decided to go visit my dad and my stepmom for 2 weeks so I could relax a bit and be with family. Meanwhile, the pipes at home had busted. I said to him I am not going back with a baby if there's no water supply. So 2 weeks became 1 month. And I was really mean about it. When we got back, he became a different man. Mistake # 1, leaving when R is fragile
He at first was critical and withdrawn. He cheated once 7 years ago, so I started checking his iPad and found some inappropriate photos and sites straight away. He told me everything when I confronted him. He was seeing an escort. He was angry because he was ashamed of it. We agreed to try to work things out so I went from not paying attention to him to pursuing too hard. It was not working. He finally told me he loves me and not in love with me. He wanted to live as friends and raise our son together. Until one day it was too much for me I asked him to leave because he said he wanted me to get over him. 2nd mistake, kicking him out when things are uncertain.
I didn't read DR till 2 weeks ago. But prior to that I made a promise to myself to love him unconditionally for 90 days. I said to him I still love him and want to use this energy positively. Since then I got better and better in being around him without acting desperate. I am following some techniques I read in "my husband doesn't love me and is texting someone else". I acknowledge his feelings, praise him on his look and if he does anything encouraging, not doing "more of the same" when disagreeing. We definitely gets on a lot better now, and he confessed to me he's having a mid life crisis.
So here is where I feel stuck. He told me more than once there's no other woman at the start of our separation. I believe him. But I do believe there is one now. He would lied if he needs to do activities with her. He comes 4 or 5 times a week to see our 17 months old. When he can't make it, he would text saying he has a work meeting or he's hangover. I know he lied because we have a joint bank account. Every time he doesn't come, he's spending money in a nice restaurant, or a cinema, or a shopping mall. I know I should stop prying. I can't help it. But I never tell him I know. He went on a holiday 2 months after separating, spend half of his savings, drinking and partying every chance he got. I was very controlling before, now I know I need to stay out of it. Another 2 weeks, my 90 days will be up. He is getting more and more comfortable hanging around me, telling me aoubt work and his new iPhone purchase. Asking me to help sort out Christmas with his family. Taking out the rubbish when he's around. But, continue to poach me to sell the apartment and keeping his dates with OW. I am thinking about the last resort but don't know if it's the way to go. I texted him almost everyday about something positive. Either it's his look that day, or how good he's doing at work, or how good he's with our son. I think he appreciate it mostly. But he has a date before meeting us, then he acts colder towards me. I also make a point in hugging him when he leaves, he said he's hugging me as a friend. I also buy him small things like the cake he likes, put a Pepsi in the fridge when he visits. He would take these gifts. Sometimes happily, sometimes deep in throught. I think he's going back and forth in how he feels about my changes. And I know I am still "pursuing", only that I am not a mess anymore and has started a new job.
There has been some arguments such as the times he took our car key with him, and yelling at me because I was "making things difficult" because he needed to return it when he's at work. I refuse to join in the fights anymore. I would calmly tell him afterwards that I don't appreciate his behaviour because how he affects my day. Being assertive is crucial to my plan because I don't want to bring up my resentment towards him. I am doing well except that I don't know if he will realise he's missing out on his son's childhood. I feel bad for the little one only having me to rely on. He protested strongly lately when H trying to leave after a visit. I fear more of the future of him having to travel between two homes.
Updates after original post: started to pull away from H after he asked me not to text him. He also asked me not to get him any birthday present. And the. I saw him showing off a early birthday present on Instagram. He also stated that he's moving from his friend's couch to a rented room.
I stoped texting and giving him update about our son for a week. Except yesterday, when I came home from work and found that he cleaned the whole apartment for me. I also started asking him not to come on certain days so I can do my own things. I am being vague when he ask questions about me. It seems to bother him when I came home from work wearing an oversized jumper I borrowed from a colleague. I am secretly happy about it. I wish I know where he's at in his MLC journey. There's definitely anger coz he yelled when I make the most innocent mistake. He's quick to apologise tho. I found myself wanting to be away from him more. Because sometimes I don't really want to act as if all the time. I am mostly happy and upbeat when he's home, but I need sometime to sulk too. I am just as depressed. I admit I sometimes think it will be easier if I die of an accident and don't need to wake up to this everyday. That being said, I am never up for suicide. I hope I will never get that sad. I am keeping busy, seeing people, go out with my son everyday, and seeing a psychologist. I need more time and more ideas on how to look after myself and stop thinking about him.
Anyway, do give me some pointers my fellow DBers. I take the comfort in knowing there are many on the same journey, and I hope that our idiot halves will all come to their senses and face their demons rather than running away! Thank you for reading.
Me: 33 H: 32 T: 10 years M: 2 BD: Aug 2016 H moved out Aug 20, 2016 S: 17 months old
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Maybe, sorry you're in this spot. Glad you moved to Newcomers. One good way to get replies is to read and post on others' threads as well. And we can all use support.
Can you go under your profile and add some of the highlights, like ages of you and WAH, years together and married, as well as the date of the bomb drop?
Also, curious about marriage history. Did this come totally out of the blue? What where the complaints of WAH that you said you neglected during the M?
Hang in. Get a copy of DR and read it asap. Also, don't cling to time lines like 90 days. I know you do this because you feel you can't endure this pain forever. You won't have to. But you have to do what you believe is right, even if it doesn't feel good today. If you can't do it, how can you expect him to? Keep standing and slow way down. You have the gift of time, and we're all standing behind you while you use it.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks Zues126 for your reply. I feel very lost at the moment. Perhaps it is the fact that S is so young, I can't imagine not knowing what the verdict is until S is 3 years old! Those are the best years we can have of our kids, I am mad at H and I think I have used this anger and frustration towards our S when he's misbehaving. I am disappointed at myself too...
He said he was depressed not long after S was born, because S woke 6,7 times a night, and I couldn't handle it. He still wakes BTW, I just got used to it... and he was taking on a lot of the housework because I wasn't doing well. He said multiple occasions that S is here now and he loves him, but if he knew how it's like he wouldn't have any kids. It's male postnatal depression, but I got my own issues to deal with at the time. The only difference is I admit it and try to find help. He dealt with it with excessive porn watching. And when we left for holiday, which he refused to come with, he got to turn his fantasy into reality by seeing an escort. Then it's the turning point from that. I guess it's the guilt of him crossing that line.
We lived together for 8 years, I inisisted on getting married before having children. We had a great elopement because he didn't want any family there. I didn't mind, I was just happy to marry him. He told me after he enjoyed our wedding day. And he was the one who proposed when we were traveling in Japan, suggested having children. Now all of the sudden, he had never really loved me, I pushed him into the R and later the M. There was little good time being with me. And so on and so on.
I know that I need to let him do his things. But it's hard to keep cool while seeing him regularly. He never knows his dad, so he makes an effort to see his son. Which it is good and bad for me. It's hard to detach because I was so dependent on him for so long. I am learning fast to be alone and somewhat okay. But if I stop, he is the background noise that is always there...
How to pull back when he is around so often?
Anyway, thanks for asking, good excuse for me to get this out:)
Me: 33 H: 32 T: 10 years M: 2 BD: Aug 2016 H moved out Aug 20, 2016 S: 17 months old
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Okay, everyone's stories here are more or less alike. Mine is a little bit more confusing. For one, H is still young but is in MLC. He fears death, aging, and not happy with himself after our S is born. There is some abandonment here I suspect because he does not know his dad. Apparently dad exercised domestic violence. As for my mother in law, in my ten years knowing her, I am not confident she was being a good enough mum for him either. But I am not here to bad mouth his family. My side of family is not exactly all happy and rosey.
Then, here is the thing that is rather "unique" for my situation. H saw a transsexual escort. I found out after he was being cold and critical. He was ashamed of it. I think him knowing that I know his deepest darkest secret makes it even harder for him to want to "work on the R". Anywho, that was 4 months ago now.
I have changed, and I am good at faking being upbeat and strong in front of him. He starts to hang around the kitchen to talk to me when he's here for our S. He is somewhat annoy about the fact that I am seeing someone. He opens up to me saying that he is still miserable. I am glad that I didn't jump in to try to rescue him. He said he misses our S a lot and want to see more of him. I invite him to go to the aquarium with us on the Sunday. And I said you have to decide if you really want to come coz otherwise I will go with another mum. He said better not count him in coz he does not want to cancel on me. Then I said it's all about choices. I said you CAN see him more if you really want to, but we won't go out our way to suit you. I offered that he can spend the night at home with him while I stay with a friend. He straight away yelled you are not having a boyfriend already?! I am not seeing anyone. Ironically, he is. Judging by the diinner bills and jazz bar outings. Why does he still deny? I start to think that maybe he is not seeing OW. He could be seeing OP but sex is unidentifiable. He probably deny this to himself too. I mean I am very open minded, but I do have difficulty dealing with this on top of everything.
So, being the person I am, I research a lot about straight man seeing trans. (That's how I found DR BTW). It's more common than one would thinks because of all the trans porn out there. I know he is attracted to the femininity, and no guys will admit it, but they are all secretly somewhat attracted to dicks. I have never text or receive texts from my female friends a funny dick joke or pic. But guys, I know there are some on your phones. So a sexy hot babe with dick is his fetish. I found myself being very understanding of it. But fetish aside, cheating is cheating. Be that a man, a woman or a tran.
Anyway, I can be imaging this. I have no proof. And I don't plan on asking him any question. He was a great loving man for 10 years. I am glad I had him for my son's first year coz I couldn't do it without him. I had decided to be supportive for as long as I can, open to reconciliation because I still love him, but also open to life without him coz I know I am a better person. I deserve a good man that wants to be with me. So is my son.
I welcome all comments.
Me: 33 H: 32 T: 10 years M: 2 BD: Aug 2016 H moved out Aug 20, 2016 S: 17 months old
Yes, your situation definitely has a bit of a twist to it that adds to its complexity. I don't have any answers for you regarding that, but I commend you for being open minded about it and maybe one day you will be able to openly discuss it with your H whether or not as your H or a friend.
You're way ahead of me if you're good at being upbeat. I have yet to conquer that and instead my W thinks I hate her because I am distant and try to be indifferent to her compliments.
Sounds like he is so very confused and trying to figure this part of himself out. For that he will definitely need space and time and patience. He may very well be questioning his sexuality and/or masculinity. When he's ready to talk to you about it, he will, and your open mindedness will be a huge relief to him.
Other than that I can just offer my sympathy and support. Keep posting, keep reading, and keep being strong!
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
Actually what surprises me the most about your post is your level headedness, and the very healthy way you seem to be accepting his infidelity.
Your open to reconciliation but certainly not waiting around. And you seem to be doing great naturally with setting up boundaries for you and your son
You have a good handle on this and I hope you keep posting. The journaling can be very helpful.
I remember a poster from maybe a year ago, whose wife had cheated on him with another woman that I believe they had allowed to live in their home. I don't remember his name, but i would imagine a situation involving a spouse exhibiting confusion over sexual preference requires a different level of expertise.
I'm glad your focus seems to be on coparenting. Wonder if he would agree to family counseling with the emphasis on parenting.
Honestly, I don't think the sex of the op makes any difference in a mlc. Many in MLC do and act in ways that are completely out of character or moral norms for them. New fetishes. New toys. New partners. New everything. Don't think or worry so much about whether he's with a dude, chick, or a chick with a di....u get the point. Worry only about how you are going to proceed.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
