I think that trying to figure out if she is this or that is a waste of time. The same approach needs to be taken which has nothing to do with her. Less talk, more action.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I think that trying to figure out if she is this or that is a waste of time. The same approach needs to be taken which has nothing to do with her. Less talk, more action.
I think after reading so many of Sandi's post's over the last few months, there seems to be a MAJOR difference between a WAW and a WW. I think that the WAW is still a human. The WW is an alien. Like I said earlier, I thought that I was dealing with a WAW this whole time. Now that I know she is a WW. I know it doesn't change how I better myself and GAL, it just makes me pissed that my friendly and nice behavior towards her, probably make her sick and pushed her away even more.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
I think that trying to figure out if she is this or that is a waste of time. The same approach needs to be taken which has nothing to do with her. Less talk, more action.
I think after reading so many of Sandi's post's over the last few months, there seems to be a MAJOR difference between a WAW and a WW. I think that the WAW is still a human. The WW is an alien. Like I said earlier, I thought that I was dealing with a WAW this whole time. Now that I know she is a WW. I know it doesn't change how I better myself and GAL, it just makes me pissed that my friendly and nice behavior towards her, probably make her sick and pushed her away even more.
Been there. Still catch myself. Doesn't matter though. Just be better today than u were yesterday. And better tomorrow than you were today. Be incredibly mindful that for the time being you cannot believe anything she says and about half of what she does. If she's being friendly, she probably wants something and knows how to handle you. Stop letting it control you. Be the change.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I think after reading so many of Sandi's post's over the last few months, there seems to be a MAJOR difference between a WAW and a WW. I think that the WAW is still a human. The WW is an alien. Like I said earlier, I thought that I was dealing with a WAW this whole time. Now that I know she is a WW. I know it doesn't change how I better myself and GAL, it just makes me pissed that my friendly and nice behavior towards her, probably make her sick and pushed her away even more.
MHO is that no matter what she is your actions are the same. Part of this is the detachment process and until you start it the whole script is kind of stuck. No use in crying over what you could have or should have done, worry about the future and what you ARE going to do. That is the part we can control.
IMHO, one of the differences I have seen in the WW and the WAW, is a WW usually has a hidden agenda. Maybe it isn't completely hidden in some cases, but what I mean is that she either has another man waiting in the wings or she wants to live the singles lifestyle and powl. The WW is full of anger and disrespect toward the H. She is usually a manipulator and controller. Her selfishness separates her from what I see as the WAW who leaves for other reasons.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
IMHO, one of the differences I have seen in the WW and the WAW, is a WW usually has a hidden agenda. Maybe it isn't completely hidden in some cases, but what I mean is that she either has another man waiting in the wings or she wants to live the singles lifestyle and powl. The WW is full of anger and disrespect toward the H. She is usually a manipulator and controller. Her selfishness separates her from what I see as the WAW who leaves for other reasons.
She had a man waiting in the wings alright. I know this for a fact and that she is in a PA with him. She is still hiding it. I only wish she wanted to live the single lifestyle for awhile. That would be a dream compared to this.
I know that if she would have been single and alone in this separation, things would be very different now and I might not even be on these boards. But since she is in a full blown PA, I have not stood a chance from the start and didn't know it.
She never had to be alone in all of this. She walked right out of our old house and into the arms of the OM. That is what seems so unfair sometimes. She didn't have to go through this the same way I am. I have a hard time coping with that and that is where resentment starts to build up.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
There's a few of us in the same sitch practically.
Looking back it makes me chuckle a bit replaying her saying "I just need to be alone to figure out what I want" and literally getting in the car and going to OM. Ofcourse it's easier for her now. Before she had a marriage and a BF to juggle. Now only the BF relationship.
Just keep swimming bro
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
She had a man waiting in the wings alright. I know this for a fact and that she is in a PA with him. She is still hiding it. I only wish she wanted to live the single lifestyle for awhile. That would be a dream compared to this.
I know that if she would have been single and alone in this separation, things would be very different now and I might not even be on these boards. But since she is in a full blown PA, I have not stood a chance from the start and didn't know it.
She never had to be alone in all of this. She walked right out of our old house and into the arms of the OM. That is what seems so unfair sometimes. She didn't have to go through this the same way I am. I have a hard time coping with that and that is where resentment starts to build up.
Something is being overlooked in this statement. Something you already know, but is hard to really accept. Applies to all the WAW, WW, MLC, whatever IMO. In her mind, she has already been alone. She felt alone in the M - now, this is her not feeling alone. Whether that be loosing 15 years and partying with the girls or dropping 10 years to live a runaway romance with some interloper that has low self-esteem equal to hers. She has already been alone and now is trying not be.
It is true, she is not going through this like you are. She has not figured out how to truly be alone, while you are trying to figure that out. The easy path was chosen by the WW, the hard path was thrust upon you. You can take the easy way anytime you want. Tell her to hit the bricks, file D, party on. That is clearly not what you want to do, you are here. Temptation exists. Coming here - you do stand a chance, you stand a chance for you.
What you and j20 said above "I want to be alone" and then going to the OM's arms. Its part of the script. I am BD + 9months w/ an MLC and while the things I hear have changed from the basic stuff above, some of the messages are more complicated, but feel the same. What is not the same is me.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Whether to confront or not is totally your decision. With that said, if she finds out you knew and said nothing then she will lose any shred of respect for you she might have left. Back to the doormat thing. The only time not to confront is if you're going to blindside her with divorce papers and are gathering evidence before she knows you're looking.
To save the marriage, if you want to, then you have to refuse to be disrespected like this.
I'm with TxHubby on this one. It's your decision but ultimately, if you want to save your marriage she has to know you know about her affair and refuse to continue to participate in HER manipulative lies.
Consider that one of the hurdles to any possibility to recovery includes her potential fears that - 1. If you knew, you wouldn't forgive her 2. If you knew, you'd hold it over her head forever 3. If you knew, you'd stop being nice 4. If you knew, you'd make her feel guilty and ashamed, and \ 5. She could never come back for fear of you finding out or having to tell you one day (and risk you leaving her then after she gave up OM for you).
Her knowing you know and may still be willing to save the family/marriage is a hurdle you'll need to jump some day.
Speaking truth to someone and simply saying that what she's done and continues to do is wrong and abusive, isn't the same as being demanding, begging, pleading or pursuing. You can be calm and expressing your devastation is appropriate and HONEST too (without expecting her comforting you at all - because she won't - she'll be in full denial mode first and if you get over that then full blaming mode second).
You can speak truth without expectation of her changing her ways. She's had months and months of rationalizations and justifications built up in her mind so surely she doesn't feel what she's doing is wrong on any level nor does she need to stop it.
That being said, you don't have to keep up the nice, kind act anymore either and you would simply be explaining why you are discontinuing contact with her and detaching. Otherwise, she'll just see your "detaching" as completely consistent with the behavior you exhibited the last few years of your marriage. She'll chalk the last few months of your kindness up to a manipulative act you put on to take back your possession (her).
I think your kids should know too. Not in any kind of vindictive manner but just as a matter of fact honest way. Chances are they've probably already met him and have a lot of confusion about the issue. They may even KNOW and are suffering keeping the hurtful secret from you for fear of hurting you more and/or unsure loyalties to wayward mom. More often than not, children blame themselves and wonder if they had behaved better mom would not have left (wayward moms are very bad and impatient mothers). Your children have a right to know the truth about their lives and family albeit in an age appropriate manner.
It's certainly a tough call for a conflict avoider (I know, I was one too but I confronted and eventually saved my marriage). IMO, speaking of truth is not in any way what is or will tear you family and marriage apart. Words do not push you two apart and if your wife becomes hateful after you let her know you know, that's her choice. IMO, she's acting hateful right now lying to your face and dating/screwing another man while married to you. The affair is the elephant in the room and IMO, the manlier way to approach this is not through conflict avoidance or fear. Whatever will be will be. Truth doesn't kill marriages - affairs do.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
