The hardest part for me is striking a balance between detachment and pursuit. My wife and I are still very friendly toward each other so I am using my GaL techniques to detach but also trying to be as positive and supportive as I can. For example, every morning I ask my wife (or txt her if she's still sleeping when I leave for work):
"How can I make your day better?"
I feel like this is a very direct question and requires a direct response from her. I've been doing it consistently for the past 9 days. Some of the responses have been the single word, "Nothing." Some have been "Nothing, thanks for asking." One day I got, "Thanks for asking. I can't think of anything right now. Have a great day!" Today I got "I'll let you know" with a "hmmmm" emoticon.
I am going to be very blunt and tell you that you must stop sending her that text every day. Don't send it at all. It puts emotional pressure on her. It is a turnoff to a woman who is not feeling the love. The woman left you to get away from you! And you are chasing her. You might as well say, "How may this measly servant serve you today, my queen"? That's just not attractive to a woman.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It took me a failed marriage to learn some of the differences between men and women. Who wrote the post "Men are dogs, women are cats"? I wish I could find that now. But the point is, that to MEN they might really enjoy a woman that is submissive, wants to please, etc. But a woman needs a strong man that is a leader, so when they start acting like a spoiled princess, he won't be lead around on a leash but will keep her grounded by keeping his balance.
I used to resent the idea that if I didn't act a certain way that somehow I wasn't worthy of love or respect. I don't see myself as a strong alpha male, and I thought it was tragic that I'd have to not reveal the depths of my affection to my other half because she'd use that to manipulate and control me and eventually lose respect for me. But I've learned that I AM strong in my own ways, and that I can still show that affection, but rather than showing it as desperate and needy, I could show it in ways that would make her feel safe, cherished, and lucky to have such a man in her life. It's like the 5 languages of love, you have to give them what they want, not what you want to give.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi Chris, sorry to hear you're having a difficult morning. I would agree that the physical contact, while comforting to you, is probably done to pacify you. My W was still being affectionate and saying I love you as well, and I wasn't initiating, but we talked about it because i wasn't sure it was genuine on her part. She admitted it wasn't and that she was just afraid I'd complain if she didn't since she had initially agreed to work on us.
Since she has, through her actions, made it clear she didn't not intend to work on us, i have backed way off. It stinks, so I feel you on that, especially because now we've gone no contact so backing off feels like it has back fired. Even so it has only been one day of NC so trying to stick it out. I believe that anything besides backing off is pressuring and pursuing and the last thing we need to do right now is push our spouses away.
Just try to stay strong and keep posting!
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
Hi Chris, sorry to hear you're having a difficult morning. I would agree that the physical contact, while comforting to you, is probably done to pacify you. My W was still being affectionate and saying I love you as well, and I wasn't initiating, but we talked about it because i wasn't sure it was genuine on her part. She admitted it wasn't and that she was just afraid I'd complain if she didn't since she had initially agreed to work on us.
Since she has, through her actions, made it clear she didn't not intend to work on us, i have backed way off. It stinks, so I feel you on that, especially because now we've gone no contact so backing off feels like it has back fired. Even so it has only been one day of NC so trying to stick it out. I believe that anything besides backing off is pressuring and pursuing and the last thing we need to do right now is push our spouses away.
Just try to stay strong and keep posting!
Why do you think it has backfired? It's only been 1 day
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I just said it feels like it because it was so abrupt so it hurts. We didn't have much contact throughout the day the past few days anyway, but she did text me here or there so not even a single text was unusual. I know it has only been one day so I'm not going to get discouraged.
Besides, this is the first weekend since the A was exposed that we haven't had our son so she of course is going to take full advantage of being able to spend the whole weekend with the OW and she certainly isn't going to be thinking about me while she's with her so I don't actually expect contact.
She's repeatedly said she doesn't want to lose me as her best friend no matter what so maybe NC will make her miss that. For that I'm hopeful.
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
I just said it feels like it because it was so abrupt so it hurts. We didn't have much contact throughout the day the past few days anyway, but she did text me here or there so not even a single text was unusual. I know it has only been one day so I'm not going to get discouraged.
Besides, this is the first weekend since the A was exposed that we haven't had our son so she of course is going to take full advantage of being able to spend the whole weekend with the OW and she certainly isn't going to be thinking about me while she's with her so I don't actually expect contact.
She's repeatedly said she doesn't want to lose me as her best friend no matter what so maybe NC will make her miss that. For that I'm hopeful.
Important to not get comfortable in the friend zone unless you plan to stay there forever. If you don't want to be her best friend and prefer to be her H again, you better shake things up!
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
No I don't want to stay in the friend zone which is why I haven't initiated any contact. Is that what you mean by shake things up? Taking my friendship away from her?
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
No I don't want to stay in the friend zone which is why I haven't initiated any contact. Is that what you mean by shake things up? Taking my friendship away from her?
It's important that you detach. She needs to experience what life without you would be like if you weren't there as her best friend to catch her or console her. That you aren't willing to be her back up anymore.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
Ok thanks for the advice. I will make that one of my goals for this week and going forward.
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
Jeez u guys. I leave you alone for a few hours and my thread is totally hijacked!!
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
