I am sorry you find yourself here again. You don't know me, but I was reading your sitch here a couple years ago. We were going though several hardships at the same time and I found strength and courage in you. I started posting this year and my H has been back for 1.5 years now.
While he was by no means a serial cheater, I do struggle with similar feelings/fears as you. I actually trust my H and that he made this one mistake, but I continue to miss what we had or what I thought we had. Will I ever feel in love/safe with him again? What if I don't, can I live a life with him? I want this to work and what is best for my family, but how long do we go on living with this level of detachment? Perhaps you can relate to some of this too?
It's difficult. I don't have all the answers. I have come to accept that it is okay to not have all those answers. Right now I am making a choice each day to stay because 1. I believe he is a good man, father, and H. 2. It is best for the children and our family unit. 3. It is best logistically for our finances and schedules. 4. As unromantic as it sounds, I believe in the institution of marriage. So while I am at a standstill in the piecing process per se, I am perfectly okay with staying as things are.
In terms of your H being a serial cheater, love/sex addict, etc, well I do not know a lot about that. If it is a similar psychology to alcohol/drug addiction, then I do believe people can change. That change does have to come from within and it does take consistently over time. I don't think it's your job to force him to get that help, however that doesn't mean you have to throw out ulitmatums. If his "addiction" is not having a frequent negative impact on you and the family, then I don't think it would behoove you to try and force him to get help.
So what can you do? I think you can stay put for now and recognize the value of having help with the children and stability. I think it's okay to stay in an M without those in love feelings. Continue to protect your heart and detach as needed. Get the help and support you need to recover from the emotional traumas you have been through. There are also support groups for codependents of addicts. As you continue to heal on this journey you will continue to love yourself and get stronger.
H will see you thrive and he will soon learn the value of holding onto you. As your comfidence grows, as will your standards in your M. He will need to rise to those standards if he expects you to stay with him. Hopefully this will motivate him to work on himself and make the changes he needs to make to keep you.
If he doesn't, you can move on then. I know it's been a couple years, but given your age, young children, and family needs, you have several additional stressors that need to be taken into consideration. Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. It's really a 100 miler not even a marathon! Over time you only will move forward and learn what you deserve in life. Right now you have a family, and 5 children, and so I want you to do what is easiest for you. You can do this AND protect your heart. This is something I am slowly mastering. It is possible!
In terms of your M ever being a lie and you questioning how he felt for you, well I want you to stop that. He is a lost man who is not capable of mature love. He is wounded. But you are his W and the mother of his children and there is more value in that than ANY sexual act or temporary feelings of romance. That is his addiction, his fix, because he doesn't have self love. And here is what matters more than him, and that is you.
YOU have also lost yourself in this. The silver lining is that you will not be bitter, a scorned woman, or broken by this. You will pick yourself up every day and only get stronger. You already are. And as you continue down your own journey of healing, you will attract people to you that are worthy of your love.
(((Twinmom)))
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
