Wallflower joins the party

[ciluzen]

Hey Zues! Good to hear from you. I have to say, I owe you and JellyB (amongst others) so much for helping me get through the holidays last year. The 2x4s and push to get me to really look deep into my part in the marriage issues helped me to understand a bit more of what my XH was going through.

Although anger at the situation still surfaces on my end, I more often am just sad about how much pain he has been in while trying to keep it from others; and how much he is in now that others can now see. I made a vow to myself when he was still reaching out to me that I would always be there to listen to him. I still care for him, just not some of his behavior. I now know that he is ashamed of some of the things he did. Although I'm dark in that I don't contact him, I will still adhere to that vow to listen.

Our D was fairly easy. We had two mediations (and one failed attempt to agree on financials without L or mediator) and shocked the mediator by staying to talk to each other pleasantly (catching up) after our Ls had left. He called us "unicorns"- a rarity after a mediation. H also joined me for a beer after we took him off of the joint checking account. Nothing since then, although others try to keep me up on how he is...I don't ask.

As for me, I have my down days. But I'm doing what I want to do, eating what I want to eat, buying what I want to buy and hanging out with a whole new group of people...who are proving to be good people and great friends. I feel I short changed myself for far too long and complained to H about how lonely I was or how I wanted to do things that he didn't want to do. As a controlling person, he took it as all his fault. I see now why he thought he caused me to be miserable. Unfortunately, I was just as controlling and it was all me making myself miserable and doing nothing about it...but I can't convince him of that and he's not around to know the difference. I do know I need to be selfish right now, and for once, I can.

So, back to school for me...to get that master's degree I should have gotten years ago, but didn't want to burden my family with the money,stress or time required of me to pursue it. I've revisited my love of hiking and exploring the Inland northwest (one reason H and I moved up here) and met some great peeps to do that with. I'm also finding people who have many of my other interests...love meetup! I am missing having guy friends, but that will happen in time.

Looking forward to learning from you people who are ahead of me in the after-life of D.