I'm here so I don't get fined.

[Zues126]

Trump,

I was too tired to hunt this down last night but I found it. It is something I've referenced a couple of times that my DB coach taught me. It has to do with understanding the motives behind some of the behavior from our WAS's. Here is a question I was asked and my summary of what I was taught. It helps me because once I understand the game that is being played it is easier to detach from it and choose a different response rather than reacting and taking the bait.

Do you think they push buttons because they are still attached and want to see if you are, or do you think it's because they are just selfish and controlling and incapable of thinking of anyone but themselves?

In general this type of speculation is considered mind reading. However it turns out that you can indeed discover their motivations when their behavior is specifically aimed towards you. There is a chart that I was given by my DB coach. Based on how YOU feel when they act a certain way, you can determine THEIR motivations. How is this possible? It's because they know you intimately, they know your buttons and what each one does, so when they are doing things strictly for your benefit you actually can tell what they are trying to accomplish. Here is the chart:

You feel: Irritated
Their motivation: Attention

You feel: Insufficient
They feel: Insufficient, desire to prove their value

You feel: Powerless
They feel: Powerless, desire to gain control

You feel: Hurt and/or Angry
They feel: Vindictive, desire for revenge

Couple of examples. I took my kids on a trip once early on. When I dropped the kids off I was only there for 30 seconds, yet she managed to tell the kids about all the things she did over the weekend at a mixed bonfire. It was clear she was aiming this to me. My DB coach asked me how it made me feel. It came down to I felt insufficient, like I was left out, she didn't need me to have a good time. My DB coach pointed out that she probably felt insufficient as I just had a great weekend with my family without her. Another example would be when she took back Sunday nights from me and said she wouldn't allow that again until after court. I felt quite powerless and a bit angry. It was clear her motivation was that she felt she was losing control, and possibly wanted to hurt me as well.