Coffee and spinning

[Coly23]

Morning everyone! Thank you all for your posts. I had to have a bit of time away from here just to recenter myself so apologies for not responding.

Job - thanks for linking my previous thread! I agree that he is not ready to have an R talk and I guess neither am I. Sometimes I just want him to take some action to get it over and done with. I know D is just a piece of paper but at least I will know where I stand and not feel like I'm in this limbo. He hasn't been awful to me really and that's what makes it harder, his indifference to me and the sitch.

Andrew - it's hard to keep going when i see things that are positive but to everyone else it is just breadcrumbs so I have to re-think everything again. I just want something something to hold on to but as much as my head says 'look he agreed to meet you after 7 weeks, that's positive!', in my heart I know that it may not be as positive as I hope.

Peace - I am trying to take care of myself. I go to the gym regularly and I've started eating better. I cry when I need to even at work! I am lucky that I have some really understanding colleagues! I just hate feeling so sad all the time. I don't want to feel like this anymore and I know I am in control of my own emotions but sometimes it's so overwhelming!

Altair/Andrew - the physical tug and emotions that come to the surface when I saw him was just so overwhelming more so as I hadn't seen him for seven weeks. It was especially hard when we said goodbye.

Hawker - I don't think I am ready to give up but every day that goes by i feel like I'm getting closer to that decision. I don't know what giving up looks like but like you say I'll know when I get there.

Blu - your right I go between wanting more information to maybe it's better not knowing. I still feel so hurt from this rejection I don't know how to move forward from it. I just feel like such a second class citizen, sometimes even comparing myself to all his friends who have managed to keep their marriages together. I just keep wondering, why me, what have I done to deserve this?

I know I need to start loving myself but there's the problem. I have never actually loved myself. I'm my own worst critic. I think it all stems from my grandmother telling me, several times, when I was small that she didn't like me very much and ever since then I do not think I am worthy of anyone. I constantly question the motives of people who want to be around me and I think that's why I end up pushing everyone away. I've really reflected on this over the years but I just seem to get stuck. I'm not having a pity party or wanting sympathy I just need to start trusting that people like me for who I am and that my grandmother was a cranky old woman and it was just one person's opinion.

Journaling. - I had a really good IC session yesterday. It was the first time that I didn't cry. We talked about my meeting with H again and we came to the conclusion that it was fear that caused me to react so badly. Not fear of what he might say or do or my feelings but the fear of not having seen him for nearly two months. I had built it all up in my head so much it all came crashing down around me when I did eventually see him. I gave him too much power I see that now. My IC seems to think that seeing H a little more regularly now after my period of darkness might help to aleviate that fear and take some of the fire out of the power I think he has over me. She has also suggested talking to him about the R but I'm definitely NOT going to do that!

I'm coming to the end of my free IC sessions but she feels I will benefit from few more and has suggested asking my Company if they will provide this. I think I might enquire about this as I think the face that I wasn't an emotional wreck for the first time since I started talking to her is a really big step forward.

Anyway, H texted me on Thursday after I cancelled on him this week to ask if we wanted to meet for coffee early next week and I agreed to meet on Monday lunchtime so again I can escape at a decent time! I need to take his power over me away and I think facing him is the only way I can see that he is only a man.

If he is wanting to see me then I don't think that's a bad thing is it?