I am sorry things are still so hard. I agree with the others; allow yourself to feel the sadness, the hurt, the anger and then allow yourself to set it aside. As you can set it aside longer and longer, you can adapt your life to a life without him. Right now, he is controlling your thoughts and emotions.
With each interaction (even thinking about it) you have with him, you have more anxiety and hurt. I think that is because you are not safe to be yourself with him anymore--you have to be this person that is okay, resolved, and even content--and that is not staying true to your heart.
It is eating you up that you just don't know what happened and why. And so naturally you assume, that by having more information, may come some relief. He may be having a MLC, he may not. He may be having an affair, he may not. He may be confused and questioning if this is a mistake, or he may believe he has made the right decision and knows that he will never return to the marriage. He may miss you and think about you often, or he may feel guilty for hurting you and that is his only reason for being friendly....
So where am I going with all of this? Well, it is very likely that at least one of the above is true. However, none of us know. You may never know. However, I want to assure you that knowing will not necessarily bring you relief. In fact, if you were to learn that any of those things were true, still none of them (the positive or negative) will ensure that he will come back. Ultimately, you are looking for hope. Information is not hope, and it is more than likely going to be dissapointment.
I am not sure if this is helpful or more hurtful. I guess my point is that it is not the knowing vs not knowing that is causing your pain. Your pain is simply due to the fact that he abandoned you and gave up on you. It is terribly painful and traumatic. When you gave him your vows, you also gave him the power to break your heart and hurt you. We all did. It was a sacrifice we were willing to make.
But here is the good news. It is not now, and will never be, him that has the power to heal you. That is only you and will ever only be you. Whether he comes back tomorrow, or you never see him again, it is still YOU that can start that process. It is you that will get stronger and learn to love yourself like never before. It is YOU that will learn to love others again. When you are ready to let him go and pick yourself up, you will live a life better than you could ever imagine. He, nor any man, will ever get to decide your worth again. Some wo(men) never get the opportunity to learn this.
It has taken me many years on this painful journey, and I learn new things all the time, but this, THESE words above, I know they are true. I do not love my H the way I did before--heck, I may never--but I love myself more than I ever thought I could. Look at what I have been through? That makes me a survivor in my book.
(((Coly))) You have all the time in the world. You will get there too.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
