Job, I like that you say "dimmer", it's a very good advice, thank you. Just what I needed! This was a bit of a dilemma - going dark again (especially that it worked well on him before - and was good for me too) or continue as it was in the past few weeks. But you're right, why going to extremes (even though there are moments when I want to completely cut him off but I know I would regret it).
I must say that everything that is said on this board works. Especially those threads for newbies - actually, not just for newbies - it's really helpful to re-read, I always find something I missed before, or maybe just getting it now when experiencing different stage of MLC than at the time I read it for the first time... I see it in practice that it works (yes, I still wish I found this board 3-4 years ago when it all started...).
The problem is, sometimes I just don't feel like applying it, sometimes it feels like he does not deserve it, that I'm just hurting myself more. I'm thinking why should I be nice, a friend, listening, validating, being there when he needs me, wasting my time on him etc. when he is having an affair, not being nice to me, not fair, re-writting history, not thinking about feelings of the kids etc. But there are visible differences in our interactions based on what I do/don't do, what I say/don't say or how I say it. So, yes, it's working. All I need is PATIENCE. I do know that and smart people on this board keep reminding me of it. And I'm really digging deep (with occasional breaks when the feeling that he does not deserve it and I'm just too tired prevails). Not fully there yet, but hopefully soon :-). And I am rewarded for my efforts. I see it more and more how he sometimes does/says some things which are meant to make me feel better. He did not do it before.
Esame, I fully agree with you. Not sure why I always get myself into those conversations. But something happened with the latest one a few days ago and I have a feeling that things are changing for both of us. The night after the conversation, I came to the conclusion that I don't want to have any discussions anymore and that while I cared before that he did not misunderstand what I said, so I explained and re-explained, I just don't care anymore what he thinks and whether he understood what I said as I meant it or not. To the point that when h sent me a text in the morning I did not even feel like reading it (turned out to be a nice message). And things are also different for him. Before, after a conversation like this he would withdraw for days. Now, several texts daily. If I don't reply, he sends "testing" e-mails, usually something that I like or would laugh at etc. Btw, after he left he never sent me such e-mails, for several months.
Feyth, there must be something about the control thing you mention. I have a feeling that a lot of what he says he does not really mean. That it's just testing and because he's so confused he's trying to see where I am and when he sees there is a danger that I may have enough he changes his behavior a bit. Also funny thing, tomorrow I have some friends coming over. He is taking kids out for dinner (just a coincidence that he offered that day, he did not know about my plans). When he asked if I'm ok with it, I told him it was ok as I'm having friends over. He asked what time they are coming. When he was leaving he said he will come to get kids at [the time my friends are coming]. Why? To see who is coming? To show to my friends that he is still around? Or...?
Roist, I am willing to explore whatever as long as they find the cure. But I just had some more tests and more doctors consulting and they all confirmed that it is reactivated mononucleosis that causes the tiredness. That's not very good news because there is no cure. The only thing they say is to rest. I soooo need to start exercising again. Maybe I will start something light like very slow swimming. On Monday I will have some additional tests for the eye and really hope will get some answers (and help) on that too.
Not being able to keep busy I think I have too much time to think. Which is not very good. I find myself in a strange situation when I don't know why or what makes me believe deep down so strongly that we will be back together with my h while at the same time I often think I do not want it anymore. That there was just simply too much damage done and that I will never be able to trust him again and that I would be better off without him. It's really strange to have these so contradictory feelings. I want to fight the feeling that we'll be back together also because I'm afraid that it may make it worse for me to face it once it's really over between us. I just don't know how to get that feeling go away.
And one last thing for which I may need advice. It seems h decided he does want to see a therapist again. He asked me if I could help him by suggesting a few names that he could contact. I could do that, of course, but I'm worried that first, he's not yet completely ready to open up the way he needs to and also that if he will have similar experience to the first one he consulted that it can actually do more damage. Are they some stages of MLC when they should avoid going to therapy? Maybe rather read some self help books before they are ready? I think that if he went to see someone as blunt as the psychiatrist I saw in June, it would be really damaging for him.
I also hesitate to "advise" him on that because if it fails (e.g. therapist not good, he does not commit fully to therapy so it does not bring results he's expecting from it etc.) it may be yet another thing on his list of what I failed to deliver. Though I'm not sure I care much about that anymore. All I want is that he heals, if for nothing else than for the sake of his relationship with the kids. He's getting much better with them but there is still a lot of room for improvement.
And now it's time to start taking care of Bee :-). Right after I push "submit".
