where to begin or end?

[sandi2]

Hi Jade, I just read your thread and it seems your W had an issue before getting M.

Great couple, 5 years in she has an EA with a coworker that strained our relationship until it died. We rekindled but i guess never tackled underlying issues,

By saying it strained your R, does that mean you continued dating or.......(were you living together at the time?).....knowing she desired another man? How long did it take the A to eventually die? Did they continue working together? Those underlying issues you never tackled, probably have very much to do with the current situation.

In the past couple of years or so, did your W do or say little things that felt disrespectful to you? Have you detected resentment, bitterness, unforgivness, or some other negative attitude?

Im holding to the thinking that all this hate toward me is because shes upset with herself and her actions.

I have read a lot of posts from H's who have a WW, and there's several things the LBH'S have in common. One of those things is that the inexperienced H of a WW gives her way too much credit in the beginning...........and, I've noticed he has no clue about her mindset. In short, she is NOT upset with herself or her actions. The WW feels justified. Therefore, all that hate toward you........is b/c that's how she currently feels. But let me add, she is operating from her emotions. Logic is not in charge! That means you will not be able to reason with her.

She is consumed with selfishness. If you'll observe, you will see how she wants everything/everybody to bend over for her. Whatever the circumstances, if there is nothing that benefits her.......then she's not interested. Selfishness is her motivator.

She is a user and a great manipulator. She will use anyone (even her own children) to get what she wants at any given time. Mostly, the H is manipulated by her, b/c he loves her and is wanting to save the M. He misinterprets, and wants to believe it's all working to get her closer to returning to him.

She is a great actress. The H will see her Oscar winning performances. It is important that he learns about her new characteristics, so he won't be duped by her manipulation.

The H of a WW cannot get good enough to win her back. As long as he is trying to win her back, she will treat him badly. The WW doesn't desire her H........until she thinks she is losing him.

During this time, you cannot trust her. If she has not filed, I'd say it's b/c she is using you as her Plan B.

[jade]

I get what ur saying. And shes been following the script. Shes the one who left the home for space to be with him, shes the wanting divorce, she was nice until i confronted his wife and parents. Blowing up her lies. Since then i have been enemy number 1. She has not tried any 'if you love me or want this to work' tricks. I feel that every spiteful act is aimed at pushing me to the limit so i file, or snap. I have been very amicable throughout this all and it seems to only make her angrier!

The selfishness, does that subside? Is this who id possibly be with forever?

Regarding previous EA, we lived together and owned our own house, she obviously cant handle close male friendships. Im not sure how it died but it lasted under 6 months, and they continued working together. I think she realized he was only playing her for possible sex, and once she gave him the just friends speech he started disrespecting her at work and she began to dislike him, and eventually hated the job and quit few years later. Im not sure how i won her over that time

[sandi2]

Regarding previous EA, we lived together and owned our own house, she obviously cant handle close male friendships. Im not sure how it died but it lasted under 6 months, and they continued working together. I think she realized he was only playing her for possible sex, and once she gave him the just friends speech he started disrespecting her at work and she began to dislike him, and eventually hated the job and quit few years later. Im not sure how i won her over that time

Jade, please take what I am about to say as gathering information or getting tools, okay?
I suggest you did not "win" her over that time. In the mind of a WW who is living on emotions and making decisions strictly out of emotions.........she has a Plan A and a Plan B. The OM is her primary goal. It is her fantasy, and it is Plan A. Her first EA did not pan out, so she went to her backup plan, which is plan B. You are her backup.

For whatever reason, your W may feel that she needs these A's in her life. Affairs are extremely addictive, and some women will go from man to man looking for that thrill the secret A provides. Her security is having the benefits you provide in the M. Even if she does not desire you, not attracted to you, just wants to remain friends but doesn't want to work on a better MR............she feels that if her A doesn't work out, she always has you.

In all the posts I have read, I don't remember one perfect H. However, I have read a lot of stories where I thought the W was a fool for not appreciating the H she had. What I am saying is that every W that engages in an A is a fool. Her mind is living in a fantasy. She is seeking some type of ego food that makes her feel "alive" or more valuable, etc.
In the meantime, her H may be blaming himself and trying hard to "show" her he is a changed man and will be a great H if she'll give him another chance.

If this describes where you are currently, I encourage you to stop that thought process and take on a different style of mindset. By "different", I mean something that feels completely counterintuitive to what your emotions are presently screaming out to you. Yes, continue doing whatever you need to be a better MAN. Before you are a better H, you need to be a better man. You need to polish your masculinity and store up male confidence, b/c you'll need it when dealing with a WW.

This is not the time to try and "show her" what a terrific nice guy you are. (I will explain latr why I mean). This is not the time to prove how much you love her (at least, not in the style you think). This is not the time to try and convince her the M can work. Are you shocked by these statements? I said these things b/c that is normally what the LBH wants to do, and he basically pursues her. It doesn't work. Know why? B/c when the M has a wayward wife. The above issues are not the problem. It may or may not have had a previous effect in your relationship, but now, the problem is your wife's waywardness. I have some threads about WW's, if you want to read them.

Whenever a WW engages in any type of an A, she is rebelling against her H and the M. Now I would like to say that all you need to do is "love" her back into the MR. Have you ever had experience with a teenager or young adult who is openly rebellious and goes against the values he was taught? Well, you can't change how they feel, but you can change your interaction with them, to demonstrate your peronal values, strength, honor, bravery, truth, and integrity.

The rebellious person should see that you will take none of their b.s. If they choose to destroy their life, so be it........but they will not destroy you. You cannot bail them out of the problems they bring on themels. This is tough love! It is hard to see them suffer, but if you bail them out, then they will continue the same behavior.

As much as you may want to talk a rebellious W out of her behavior, it does not work. You can control only yourself and demonstrate the one quality that a wayward wife respects. That quality is strength. I think most women want to marry a man who she sees as being stronger than she, or at least, her equal. But here is lies the curious part about women.......she is going to test her H to see if he really is stronger. May be an unconscious attempt at power play, but I think all W's do it at times. And if you have a WW, you must not be afraid to show you are a confident and strong man who will no be bullied or manipulated.

[j20a00g]

Awesome as always sandi.

[jade]

Ok, i understand what ur saying and ive read it in ur other posts. But in regards to kids and custody arrangement without any seperation or divorce filed. I have no leg to stand on. Like our current talks. I have no way to enforce, " The kids will spend the holidays in their home". Ive voiced my opinion. But beyond that... Currently we do a common 2-2-3,switch custody schedule. Any pointers would be nice. She didnt agree with my stance and i asked what she proposes? She hasnt proposed any of her own solutions, only wants me to put options out so she can shoot them down, is how it seems.

[j20a00g]

Sounds like a politician.

"What I have proposed is the only option right now so Unless you have a better suggestion that we can both agree to, I don't see how we can do anything but what has been laid out"

[Rose888]

Ok, i understand what ur saying and ive read it in ur other posts. But in regards to kids and custody arrangement without any seperation or divorce filed. I have no leg to stand on. Like our current talks. I have no way to enforce, " The kids will spend the holidays in their home". Ive voiced my opinion. But beyond that... Currently we do a common 2-2-3,switch custody schedule. Any pointers would be nice. She didnt agree with my stance and i asked what she proposes? She hasnt proposed any of her own solutions, only wants me to put options out so she can shoot them down, is how it seems.

So, your position is that the kids should spend holidays in the marital home? Which means with you?

Am I misunderstanding?

I can't imagine too many 2-2-3 custody arrangements in which one parent gets all the holidays.

If you just stay with the current schedule, how do the holidays divide up this year?

[jade]

Correct, as my wife is 'renting' my camper at her moms.
The current lineup puts thanksgiving day with me and christmas eve and day with her. I am very firm on wanting the kids to do christmas overnight part at home.
We are suppose to switch our weekends at somepoint and that would make everything line up. And i tried to discuss and her response was that it didnt work for her work schedule currently.
As far as the holiday conversation that shes been pushing for me to discuss, im still waiting for her proposal.

[Rose888]

Correct, as my wife is 'renting' my camper at her moms.
The current lineup puts thanksgiving day with me and christmas eve and day with her. I am very firm on wanting the kids to do christmas overnight part at home.
We are suppose to switch our weekends at somepoint and that would make everything line up. And i tried to discuss and her response was that it didnt work for her work schedule currently.
As far as the holiday conversation that shes been pushing for me to discuss, im still waiting for her proposal.

I don't think who gets the kids for the holidays should be decided based on who has the nicest living arrangements.

Santa comes to all kinds of living spaces.

Sometimes people confuse being strong with controlling others. You want to be firm about your boundaries, but this is not a boundary issue. This is a parenting issue, which will inherently involve compromise. Even when you're living together.

[jade]

Ok i will try to keep that mindset if she comes back to that discussion. My initial idea was i wanted them for thankgiving dinner, and overnight christmas eve into christmas morning so they could have the whole santa cookies and bootprints. My wife saw that on my desk and texted me she wasnt interested in that option.
So is preventing her from taking more posessions without discussion controlling if ive already voiced my opinion? Im thinking of locking several rooms in the house, since she comes 2-3 mornings per week to get kids off to school