W had A and broke it off soon as I confronted her

[Steady9]

I was posting in newcomers --so some background there

My W was having an A back in her hometown this summer, she took a trip in June and Sept. It started with texting someone that she did not know or had seen since the 8th grade early in the year. And she is 42 now.

I suspected something happened in June, worked to be better H over the summer. I gained more evidence in Sept and heard a phone call in October that gave me solid evidence and a name.

I first let her go with a direct conversation in mid October. Said she was free to make her own choices. I said again the next day. (she did not know I knew over this period) Then 4-5 days later, I let her know I knew, but by then she could tell because of the small talk over the past few days. Also, over this period she was telling me she wanted to stay. So when I said I know about A--I said you need to cut off all contact and share all phone and email etc with me and said you need to read about infidelity and she complied immediately.

She says that she felt distant from me over the past year.... there was no plan... she thought I would never find out....no one in her family knows the guy... and she was hoping that the past years would allow me to give her a second chance.

OK so now a month has gone by. We have talked a lot, had sex a lot, gone on a couple of dates, and she has written me a letter of values moving forward that she feels is important. She answered all my questions about the sex etc. But it did require her to read about infidelity first to get an idea of what each person would do or need to hear or would expect, etc. She has done that. I know I could have been a better H and paid more attention to her drifting away.... I can see it in hindsight.... but never thought an A would happen in our relationship...

My W has thanked me couple of times for giving us a second chance. She is a little immature or lacks the versatility of words to share her thoughts clearly ....So I have to work with her to get her to share more of her feelings, but she is doing. She read an article about infidelity the other day and wanted to share some of the ideas with me.. It had to do with why does a wife do this.... so she was sharing that it was similar for her.... felt detached... lived in the moment... did not see the down side..

She also said that my confronting her...helped her get back to reality quickly... she said she was ending it on her own.... she said she was never going to leave me for this guy.

Over the past 4 weeks, we have spent a lot of time together. She has worked hard to do the transparency, spend more time cleaning the house, working with the kids and their homework. We have had the best bedroom time as well. We have gone on dates etc.

Now I do struggle with forgiveness in my head.... I am doing a good job at being nice and I have never yelled or anything dramatic over the past months. So on the outside I have done good...inside still struggling..

She describes the affair like a car wreck or like a dream or even in a haze....

She is worried that I will not love her like I did before.... Each day recently when i say I feel good, she may something like today, it feels like cancer is still in remission... something like that. She dreads the day that I may wake up and say... I do not love you anymore...

On the good side we are holding hands, kissing all the time, talking nicely, friendly...

One of the values I had before was the way she had my back and supported me for everything.... now I feel she is not there for me.... really.. But she has said, she will not let me down again, ever. I believe she is truly remorseful and moving forward.

I am working to put the A in to perspective.... but struggle. The lying and the work I went through to gather data to confront her... still haunts me... I had to do it because I knew she would deny deny deny... I try to not think like a victim, I did good work to get my W back... so trying to think like a hero.

Some days I do not love her it seems..... and then I think we can do it.... I created a fantasy about my W over the past 16 years.... and she is human it turns out....and hoping I can move past that.

More to come