Struggling

[fightin]

I will certainly give it a shot, but I was thinking that if I stayed with a friend for a few days it might help me detach a little. I have a very difficult time detaching in her presence.

[fightin]

Also, the house is in her name only as she bought it before we started dating 3.5 years ago and we've never refinanced together so I'm not sure what my rights are legally as far as staying in the home if she should decide to ask me to leave. I suppose just asking her to move out of the MBR for now will be fine and we can take it from there.

[Chris73]

It is little things like that I notice that can crush me in an instance.

Unfortunately it doesn't get easier. I think the little things hurt the most because they're such a staple in your everyday life. When they change it makes you feel like nothing is real.

Would it be a good idea and help me detach if I moved to the couch?

I guess it might feel better to avoid conflict and escape. I've done it twice in the 5 months since the BD. But I've gotten the same advice as you on my thread. Stand your ground, stay in the MBR.

Tonight she is making it officially a PA, yes, she told me this.

This is the most gut-wrenching thing I've read on these forums yet. And I think the DB vets on this board refer to it as "cake eating".

When I first discovered my W's affair I was so desperate to keep her from leaving that I agreed to anything and everything. I pursued like crazy. I gave her ALL the power. Not only did this make things worse for me but it caused my wife to lose some respect for me.

So I can't stress enough, tell her that you don't want to hear anything about the OW. If she mentions her, ignore it or leave the room. And even though you're probably curious to know what's going on (in hopes of getting some evidence that her R with the OW is fleeting), don't ask her about it. This will be hard and you might backslide, but keep at it. Don't give in and don't give up. Consider it part of your GaL strategy.

I've decided to stay with a friend for a few days. While I do not expect my W to even care, let alone ask where I am, what should I say if she does ask?

Definitely take off and stay with a friend, especially if it serves as a distraction for you. I'm by no means an expert but it sounds like a perfectly legitimate GaL activity to me. I wish that had been an option for me.

If your W is not dependent upon you being home for any reason, then just go as soon as you can. Leave a note or a txt so she knows where you went and then either turn off your phone or temporarily block her number while you're gone. If she really needs you for a legitimate emergency, she'll leave a VM. It's not going to help you forget about her, but it might keep you an extra step away from doing something that could be seen as pursuit.

Good luck and try to enjoy the weekend if you can.

...and keep posting, we'll be here

[fightin]

Chris73, thanks as always. It is nice to get advice and outside opinions from other DBers.

Usually, she texts me once or twice throughout the day about something random and unimportant. Today, complete radio silence, possibly because she's excited about her big night, but most likely because she took the day off and is spending it with OW.

She made all these rules when she dropped the bomb a week ago, and has since broken every single one that she made for herself, but expects me to keep my end up. This goes back to the believe nothing they say and 1/2 of what they do mantra. Also, it just solidifies for me that this is definitely not my W. She is definitely a pod-person ATM. Also, she has zero respect for me, that has become clear as well.

I will stand firm on not talking about OW. Once in a while my curiosity creeps up on me, but I have not done any snooping since 2 days in. I imagine that what I would learn would only hurt me more and I can't possibly bear anymore at this point.

W isn't dependent on me being home for anything ever. I think it would be a relief for her at this point if I just disappeared altogether. Her son absolutely adores me and calls me "mom" as well. I've made it a point to be home on the nights that we have him, but this weekend she is a free bird to do as she pleases so I'd like to keep myself as occupied as possible.

[Chris73]

I will stand firm on not talking about OW. Once in a while my curiosity creeps up on me, but I have not done any snooping since 2 days in. I imagine that what I would learn would only hurt me more and I can't possibly bear anymore at this point.

After I found out about the affair, my W told me that she wanted to work on the marriage instead of leaving. So I insisted that she cut off contact with the OM, block his phone number and block his email address. I also insisted that she give me all her passwords, phone lock code, and turn on her Find My Phone so that there would be no question as to her whereabouts.

She complied, but it just made matters worse. I felt I was entitled to snoop because she had betrayed my trust and I did it constantly. It was like an addiction. I read her emails and txt messages and I constantly checked my phone to see where she was. It made me anxious and panicky and it made her resent me even more.

So I completely understand about the curiosity and the only advice I can offer is, don't do what I did. In this instance I don't think knowledge is power.

[fightin]

I don't know how you do it Chris, I'm a basket case though I'm working hard to not show her that anymore. The first few days were rough. What is odd is that now that I've backed way off she's actually more distant than ever. I'm hoping this will change though.

Did your W resume the EA/PA after all your snooping? I will resist snooping as I said before because I know it will only lead to more pain.

She initially said she wanted to work it out, but wouldn't stop seeing OW. I pointed out it was impossible for her to try with me if she was still seeing her. Then it turned into her telling me flat out to GAL and get happy and mentally healthy again and MAYBE she'd want to be with me again, but no guarantees.

When I told her I can't compete with OW because OW gets to give her butterflies and compliment her, and be affectionate, she acknowledged this was true, but said what I have on my side is the person she fell in love with and to just focus on being that person. So she's basically telling me to DB and she doesn't know it.

[fightin]

Well I made it through the night with the help of a friend. I went to stay with her so I didn't sit at home dwelling on my W and the OW moving things along to a PA. I have made t pretty clear to my W that the ball is in her court by me not texting her so as of yesterday we've apparently entered NC as she usually texts a couple times a day and didn't yesterday. Currently at 27 hours of NC.

Because it has only been 1 day so far of NC I hesitate to panic or think she's given up. This weekend is the first weekend we don't have our son that's she's been free to spend as much time as wanted with the OW so I don't really expect any contact. I don't think I even cross her mind anymore, but as she's made it clear repeatedly that even if we end it she still very much so wants my friendship I am hopeful that as I revoke that friendship she will miss it.

Up until the last couple of days I have still been home every night and still doing nice things for her like rubbing her shoulders when she has a headache. Until Thursday night we even still snuggled in bed for comfort, but I will no longer initiate anything in hopes the gravity of what she is losing with me. I know that this may not be the case however and I'm trying to prepare myself for that.

If she continues to pull away from me as I distance myself should I try a new method?

[fightin]

Just found her wedding ring while cleaning. She is no longer wearing it or the necklace I gave her that just a few weeks ago she wouldn't have been caught dead without. That was a pretty big blow. I can't stop crying and being so angry. I don't know what to do.

[j20a00g]

Fightin,

You are in the supppppperrr early stages so all of the emotions you are feeling is super raw. It is so important for you to take some deep breaths and not let your mind take over. You have to do your best to detach. Sounds like you are starting to in some ways but emotionally you have to do more.

Focus on you! Not her or the OW. Nothing they are doing or not doing can be controlled or dictated by you. You only have control over yourself!

You have found these boards early in your situation. Well done. Not take these tools and put them to work. Owning a treadmill and using it as a clothes hanger doesn't help you lose weight. You have to get on it! Same with having all of these tools. Implement them immediately!

Control your mind. Control your emotions. Control your actions.

No more back rubs. No more sweetness. Take charge of you and don't allow her to eat the cake

[fightin]

Thank you j. I needed that for sure. It is extremely easy for my emotions to control me right now and I'm trying to avoid it, but often mess up. My W has definitely already begun to rewrite our history. She claims working it out with me would be the easy way, so she's taking the more difficult path of seeing where it goes with the OW which is obviously not that difficult and they seem to be moving right along at warp speed. Everything she's said to me has been a lie. Everything. She lashes out at me for no reason, and I suspect that is her guilt and trying to avoid facing her actions. I've been a complete doormat up til now so it is time to put my girl pants on and show her what she will be giving up by no longer being here for her in any capacity.

Thanks against