New to the Boards. Marriage in Crisis.

[Chris73]

Thanks AndrewP and Painter.

I am fully on-board and committed to being the rock and the lighthouse in our R right now. And I totally understand about the respect issue. Clearly the loss of respect for me and our R contributed to my W thinking that going outside the marriage was acceptable. And there's no doubt that I contributed to that loss.

The hardest part for me is striking a balance between detachment and pursuit. My wife and I are still very friendly toward each other so I am using my GaL techniques to detach but also trying to be as positive and supportive as I can. For example, every morning I ask my wife (or txt her if she's still sleeping when I leave for work):

"How can I make your day better?"

I feel like this is a very direct question and requires a direct response from her. I've been doing it consistently for the past 9 days. Some of the responses have been the single word, "Nothing." Some have been "Nothing, thanks for asking." One day I got, "Thanks for asking. I can't think of anything right now. Have a great day!" Today I got "I'll let you know" with a "hmmmm" emoticon.

Now look, I'm not naive enough to think that all these little changes in her responses mean much. But in Step 2 of the DR, MWD talks about setting realistic goals and thinking small. One of my goals is related to improving our emotional closeness since we have very little of that in our R right now.

This weekend will mark 7 weeks since we've had sex, and in that 7 week's time there have been very few instances of any other physical closeness. A few days ago, I stopped saying "I love you" based on the DR recommendation that it puts too much pressure on my W to return the sentiment. I touch her occasionally and we still kiss/hug hello/goodbye, but that's about as far as it goes.

So for example, a goal of wanting to have sex with my wife twice a week is clearly far-reaching. But when the DR asks me, "What would be the first sign that things are progressing toward this goal?" I would say that it has to begin with behaviors that indicate some softening on her part: a few extra words in a text, a more enthusiastic "hello", an unexpected touch, or a hug that lingers just a little longer. Basically anything that would indicate a chink in the armor.

Am I overthinking this too much?