WW Wife - Do I confront her?

[JRuss]

The "consequences", if there are to be any for her, are to see the incredibly awesome life you're carving out for yourself, without her and without needing her to bring that about. It If anything will bring her back, it will be her own realization, on her own journey, that you are a man only a fool would leave, and she's that fool. Unfortunately, pursuit, clinging, attempts at control -- all of that just solidifies in a WS's mind that they "did what they had to do" and that it was the right move.

EVEN IF you execute things perfectly and emerge on the other side as the new, awesome version of you (and it's very difficult, with lots of ups and downs), she may never have that realization. Because it's her journey, her circus, her monkeys. BUT, you'll still be in an awesome place you wouldn't be in if you continue to be enmeshed/attached, co-dependent and all the rest.

So, stay the course, and guarantee (a) you'll be unhappy and not self-actualized, and (b) that she'll move further and further away; or change the course, have the possibility of R and the certainty of an improved, even happy and joyful life.

This is all easy to say from the outside, so know that I know how hard it is to pick yourself up from where you are right now, but you can do it, and you NEED to do it.

[Matrix]

Originally Posted By: Mr_Bam
She has all the power now. I also think that she has no respect for me after the begging and pleading. If I confront her, I will lay down the bottom line. I will lay down boundaries about the OM and my kids.

Boundaries are not used as a means to controll another person. It is used to protect your feelings. If you were weak in the MR and allowed her to disrespect you, then telling her now that you have certain boundaries, will not be taken very seriously without consequences. You are the only one who takes action if the boundary is broken. So, make sure you think it through and know what you will do if your boundary is not honored.


Is she living independently from your financial assistance?

I was not ever weak in the MR. She had my respect entirely. I was always the strong one and never showed any weakness at all. I was never controlling or abusive at all.

She is living independently financially. I buy things for the kids as needed and I have given her money if she has needed something specific for the kids. Our D10 had dance classes coming up and I gave her the money for it. I have been as helpful as I could be. But I thought I was dealing with a WAW and that was my approach. Now that I am dealing with a WW, I know that I need to take a very different approach. That is why I came here and proposed the question about confronting her.

[Matrix]

The "consequences", if there are to be any for her, are to see the incredibly awesome life you're carving out for yourself, without her and without needing her to bring that about. It If anything will bring her back, it will be her own realization, on her own journey, that you are a man only a fool would leave, and she's that fool. Unfortunately, pursuit, clinging, attempts at control -- all of that just solidifies in a WS's mind that they "did what they had to do" and that it was the right move.

EVEN IF you execute things perfectly and emerge on the other side as the new, awesome version of you (and it's very difficult, with lots of ups and downs), she may never have that realization. Because it's her journey, her circus, her monkeys. BUT, you'll still be in an awesome place you wouldn't be in if you continue to be enmeshed/attached, co-dependent and all the rest.

So, stay the course, and guarantee (a) you'll be unhappy and not self-actualized, and (b) that she'll move further and further away; or change the course, have the possibility of R and the certainty of an improved, even happy and joyful life.

This is all easy to say from the outside, so know that I know how hard it is to pick yourself up from where you are right now, but you can do it, and you NEED to do it.

Jruss,

I understand everything that you are saying and you are right. I know that I do need to detach and become that person. I just have not done a very good job at that part yet.

I do not perusing or being clingy at all at this point. I am just trying to work on myself and become a better man.

So, are you of the opinion that I should not confront her and just keep moving forward and detaching?

[Steady9]

Do not confront her...It is not the right time...

You have to be ready to let her go. When you are truly ready to let her go.... then she may reveal that she wants to stay.... and if she wants to stay and the A is going on that day.... then maybe a few days later or so, you can confront if she still wants to stay...that is, a few days after you let her go and she wants to stay.

I like the phrase let her go better than divorce which sounds like an ultimatum...

Also like the phrase when you are speaking to your spouse, you are free to make your own choices... being married does not mean I control you. You are free to make your own choices--and of course with out saying the words, the other person can make their own choices as well.

[MoveFrwd]

I have been as helpful as I could be. But I thought I was dealing with a WAW and that was my approach.

Its strange that you say this. Im not sure 'being helpful' is a great approach to either.

Paying for dance lessons for your daughter? Sure thats reasonable.
But Im not sure about trying to be friends with either a WAW or WW.......

[Matrix]

I have been as helpful as I could be. But I thought I was dealing with a WAW and that was my approach.

Its strange that you say this. Im not sure 'being helpful' is a great approach to either.

Paying for dance lessons for your daughter? Sure thats reasonable.
But Im not sure about trying to be friends with either a WAW or WW.......

To me, a WAW is a sad, broken women that has simply given up on their husbands. They have tried for years, but feel that they can't get through to them and their husbands will never change. They are sad and heartbroken. They feel that they have no other choice than to leave and protect themselves.

It would seem that when a husband has "become awake" and goes to the WAW with solutions to try and save the M, she would be a lot more receptive to that offer. So that is what I was trying to do with that approach. Being caring and thoughtful was not something that I did very much in the M, so that was a 180 that I was implementing.

Once I realized that she is a WW, it changes everything. She won't be receptive to anything and my very presence repulses her. Every time I had done something nice or said something nice, I did not know that it was making her mad and probably driving her further away.

That is why I am here now. I have been treating her so nice, thinking she was a WAW and maybe I could "love" her back. Now that I know she is a WW, I have probably done more damage and don't know where to go from here.

I think that if I don't confront her and just drop the rope, she will get suspicious as to why I would all of a sudden disappear from that friendly relationship that we had. Maybe she would think that I found out about the A, but don't have the b@lls to confront her. IDK

[Matrix]

I know a lot of what I am saying is more like "tactics" than true DBing. I do understand that. I think that I'm trying to do both at the same time and that is probably not very effective.

I think that question of weather or not to confront her has me frozen at the moment. That is why I posted here. It seems that almost everyone thinks that I should not confront her, mainly because you think that it will do more damage than good and that I am not truly ready to confront and let her go.

My head is spinning today.

[Painter]

Don't expect to be detached yet. You are attached to her because you've lived with her as your partner for years. She has been in a process to detach for a long time without you being aware (for whatever reason). It takes time.

Beware of the difference between connection and attachment. It can help to realize that the connection is not there at this time, but the attachment is and will be for a while.

What you can do, is try distracting yourself. That's another function of GAL - activities that takes your mind of your ex and the relationship.

Trying to *not* think about something is really hard. It's much easier to think about *something else*. That's why GAL works. Go see a movie, do a high-energy activity that requires you to pay attention to the moment (for instance, a yoga class is much better than a solitary jog), go out with friends to a noisy bar or a concert (if you can listen to music, I couldn't for about 6 months). Immerse yourself in a demanding project that you can come back to whenever you have the energy and time. If you have crying jags, allow yourself to have them for however long they last, but fill the rest of the time with things that distract you.

If you still live in the house, change things around. Buy something new for your home that you didn't have together. Get a new piece of art to hang on your wall.

These are some things that in work well in my experience.

[MoveFrwd]

It would seem that when a husband has "become awake" and goes to the WAW with solutions to try and save the M, she would be a lot more receptive to that offer. So that is what I was trying to do with that approach. Being caring and thoughtful was not something that I did very much in the M, so that was a 180 that I was implementing.

Im not sure this is really correct. This is changing for her. She is going to see this as 'too little, too late'. I think it's much better to change and let her notice rather than 'going to her'.

The problem here is your mindset. Your success or failure is based around her thoughts, actions, feelings, etc.

I agree that being a WW does change some things, but Im not sure that it really changes your path much.

I think that if I don't confront her and just drop the rope, she will get suspicious as to why I would all of a sudden disappear from that friendly relationship that we had. Maybe she would think that I found out about the A, but don't have the b@lls to confront her. IDK

So if she gets suspicious and asks you, then you can discuss it. But I think to make a 'grand stand' is a waste of your time.

[Rose888]

I have been as helpful as I could be. But I thought I was dealing with a WAW and that was my approach.

Its strange that you say this. Im not sure 'being helpful' is a great approach to either.

Paying for dance lessons for your daughter? Sure thats reasonable.
But Im not sure about trying to be friends with either a WAW or WW.......

To me, a WAW is a sad, broken women that has simply given up on their husbands. They have tried for years, but feel that they can't get through to them and their husbands will never change. They are sad and heartbroken. They feel that they have no other choice than to leave and protect themselves.

It would seem that when a husband has "become awake" and goes to the WAW with solutions to try and save the M, she would be a lot more receptive to that offer. So that is what I was trying to do with that approach. Being caring and thoughtful was not something that I did very much in the M, so that was a 180 that I was implementing.

Once I realized that she is a WW, it changes everything. She won't be receptive to anything and my very presence repulses her. Every time I had done something nice or said something nice, I did not know that it was making her mad and probably driving her further away.

That is why I am here now. I have been treating her so nice, thinking she was a WAW and maybe I could "love" her back. Now that I know she is a WW, I have probably done more damage and don't know where to go from here.

I think that if I don't confront her and just drop the rope, she will get suspicious as to why I would all of a sudden disappear from that friendly relationship that we had. Maybe she would think that I found out about the A, but don't have the b@lls to confront her. IDK

Looking at your first post, it sounds like your wife went through the heartbroken stage of WAW while you were still living together, so by the time she moved out physically, she had also moved on emotionally.

Given that, her reaction to you wanting to work on things make sense. There are aspects of both WAW and WW, so I don't know that trying to put her in one box or the other will be helpful.