Originally Posted By: Mr_Bam She has all the power now. I also think that she has no respect for me after the begging and pleading. If I confront her, I will lay down the bottom line. I will lay down boundaries about the OM and my kids.
What is the bottom line?
How would you lay down boundaries about the OM and your kids?
I am not unsympathetic, but you need to understand these actions before you jump into it. Unfortunately, once separation takes place, I think you lose your control about who she has at her house and/or who she decides to have around the kids (but you can check to see if you can get a RO or something). I suggest you get legal advice before your "boundaries" only succeeds as a joke. There may be something you could do about any adult male staying overnight or being alone with your children........IDK.
Did you sign a S agreement?
A boundary is like an invisible circle around yourself. Your boundaries are not other people's boundaries. You can only make them for you. They should be based on your value system, moral and spiritual beliefs, etc. Boundaries are for the purpose of protecting yourself. An ineffective boundary is one that has no consequences for the one who disrespected it.
Boundaries are not used as a means to controll another person. It is used to protect your feelings. If you were weak in the MR and allowed her to disrespect you, then telling her now that you have certain boundaries, will not be taken very seriously without consequences. You are the only one who takes action if the boundary is broken. So, make sure you think it through and know what you will do if your boundary is not honored.
Without legal advice, and/or going through some type of legal process.....I think about all you can do after separation is how she interacts with you. I keep harping about the legal stuff, b/c you need to know your rights as a father, and if you can ensure protection for the kids.
So, to use an example of a boundary, let's say she calls you and starts to scream or cruse at you, then you could say, "I will not tolerate verbal abuse", and if she continues, you hang up the phone. If she calls again, and she starts into her angry speech, you basically say/do the same thing again. No explanation, no negotiation, no discussion. The consequence is you disconnecting the phone call.
Is she living independently from your financial assistance?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
