WW Wife - Do I confront her?

[Zues126]

See my post on CONDEF's thread. DB is not about controlling. As long as you are focusing on your W's behavior, choices, and the direction she is moving, you're on the wrong track. That's why we don't like confronting. The idea is about 'what can I do to best influence W's behavior'.

Instead let her go and focus on being the best you that you can be. FOCUS ON YOU.

Can you do that? One question I like from DR is about what you'd do if your wife passed away. There'd be nothing you could do to get her back, or change her behavior. But she'd be gone. So what would you do in that case?

[MoveFrwd]

She has all the power now. I also think that she has no respect for me after the begging and pleading. If I confront her, I will lay down the bottom line. I will lay down boundaries about the OM and my kids.

So what exactly do you think you will achieve?
What kind of "power" do you think you will gain?
What kind of "respect" do you think you will earn?

If your goal is to get her back, how do you know that this will move you closer to that goal?

I think that this is my problem. I don't "know" that this will bring me closer to my goal. That is why I am so confused.

Then I wouldnt do anything. If you dont know what the outcome will be, then theres no point in doing it.

What about those other three questions?

[j20a00g]

I think that if you want to make sure to lose her forever, go ahead and confront.

You say no more pleading or begging - are you still doing that? Can't you stop that without confronting?

One of the things you learn on DB, is to not act impulsively, and to frequently not act at all. Do not act on feelings.

I am not begging or pleading at all. That happened 3 months ago. We have not had any R talks at all, so there would be nothing to beg or plead for. I will never do that again anyway. I know it drove her 100 mph in the opposite direction. It was a moment of weakness and an emotional breakdown.

I am not acting impulsively about any of it. I have been very calm and cool about everything for the last few months. I have just recently come to the A confirmation, so I feel that I am at a crossroads and do not know what to do.

It seems that almost everyone is in favor of me not confronting her. I think I just wanted to try and change SOMETHING. We are just in this friendly limbo and now I have the information about the A, so I am conflicted.

You can change something. Detach! This "friendly limbo" is because you are giving it to her. She's having this nice calm time with you and still making all the plans and arrangements to leave you. Take away the friendly limbo by detaching and acting as if and watch her change. That's when you will be tested.

[Matrix]

Painter is right.... "act as if" meaning act as if you were divorced or she isn't a part of your life outside of co-parenting.

You are right. You are legally married and the law will honor all rights to you. This is legal paperwork and not morally binding. You have no legal right to ask anyone anything. Married or not.

It's super important that you read DB/DR and detach! If you want to have any chance at all you really need to change it up.

I think that I am acting "as if" around her. I just make small talk when we are around each other, like I am talking to an old friend. I respond to texts and calls about the kids. I am just "as if" about everything. There is no other way to "act". We don't talk about R or the future at all.

I think my problem is that I am not acting "as if" in my own mind. When I am away from her, I think about her all the time and no not picture being divorced. I have not detached. I have read all of the detachment posts that I can find. I just read one that Sandi posted today. I understand all of it. It makes perfect sense. I just have not been able to do it yet. I can't get "there" in my mind and heart yet.

I have read DB. I am reading it again this past week.

[AndrewP]

This may not be helpful at all but is the way that I handled it. I'm not sure how "well" it worked out in the end as it was the start of a very difficult journey for me.

W and I had always had a (I believe) mature relationship with each other and even though she generally made most of the decisions and I did what she wanted most of the time we treated each other with respect and courtesy through most of our MR.

I found out about OM before I discovered this place or DB/DR. That evening I went down to the kitchen where my W was making my lunch for the next day.
A - We need to talk about [OM name]
W - What do you want to know
A - Is it serious?
W - It is for him I don't know for me.
A - Is it sexual
W - Yes
A - Is it going to continue?
W - Yes
W leaves and A starts weeping into his arms.

After that followed several months of an outer ring of h@ll as the mask that W had been wearing fell away revealing the alien underneath that had been there all along. The A started being carried on more openly to me although she kept it quiet to the outer world. Her former loving expressions changed to ones of contempt and disgust. It varied though. Some days the old W would emerge temporarily.

The rest is a really long story that if buried in my hundreds of posts. She's still not home and as far as I can tell, still seeing OM from time to time.

As the advertisements say "you milage may vary" - but that is one way that a "confrontation" can work out.

[Matrix]

She has all the power now. I also think that she has no respect for me after the begging and pleading. If I confront her, I will lay down the bottom line. I will lay down boundaries about the OM and my kids.

So what exactly do you think you will achieve?
What kind of "power" do you think you will gain?
What kind of "respect" do you think you will earn?

If your goal is to get her back, how do you know that this will move you closer to that goal?

I think that this is my problem. I don't "know" that this will bring me closer to my goal. That is why I am so confused.

Then I wouldnt do anything. If you dont know what the outcome will be, then theres no point in doing it.

What about those other three questions?

I am not sure anymore about the other 3 questions. I don't know if confronting her would create any positives at this point.

[sandi2]

Originally Posted By: Mr_Bam
She has all the power now. I also think that she has no respect for me after the begging and pleading. If I confront her, I will lay down the bottom line. I will lay down boundaries about the OM and my kids.

What is the bottom line?

How would you lay down boundaries about the OM and your kids?

I am not unsympathetic, but you need to understand these actions before you jump into it. Unfortunately, once separation takes place, I think you lose your control about who she has at her house and/or who she decides to have around the kids (but you can check to see if you can get a RO or something). I suggest you get legal advice before your "boundaries" only succeeds as a joke. There may be something you could do about any adult male staying overnight or being alone with your children........IDK.

Did you sign a S agreement?

A boundary is like an invisible circle around yourself. Your boundaries are not other people's boundaries. You can only make them for you. They should be based on your value system, moral and spiritual beliefs, etc. Boundaries are for the purpose of protecting yourself. An ineffective boundary is one that has no consequences for the one who disrespected it.

Boundaries are not used as a means to controll another person. It is used to protect your feelings. If you were weak in the MR and allowed her to disrespect you, then telling her now that you have certain boundaries, will not be taken very seriously without consequences. You are the only one who takes action if the boundary is broken. So, make sure you think it through and know what you will do if your boundary is not honored.

Without legal advice, and/or going through some type of legal process.....I think about all you can do after separation is how she interacts with you. I keep harping about the legal stuff, b/c you need to know your rights as a father, and if you can ensure protection for the kids.

So, to use an example of a boundary, let's say she calls you and starts to scream or cruse at you, then you could say, "I will not tolerate verbal abuse", and if she continues, you hang up the phone. If she calls again, and she starts into her angry speech, you basically say/do the same thing again. No explanation, no negotiation, no discussion. The consequence is you disconnecting the phone call.

Is she living independently from your financial assistance?

[Matrix]

I found out about OM before I discovered this place or DB/DR. That evening I went down to the kitchen where my W was making my lunch for the next day.
A - We need to talk about [OM name]
W - What do you want to know
A - Is it serious?
W - It is for him I don't know for me.
A - Is it sexual
W - Yes
A - Is it going to continue?
W - Yes
W leaves and A starts weeping into his arms.

Andrew - Thank you for your response.

I can tell you for 100% certainty that if we were still living together, I would have confronted her immediately on the spot. There is no doubt about that. I don't know how she would have reacted, but I would have confronted without a doubt.

My problem here is that we are already separated. There are no consequences if I confront her, except me filing for D if she continues the A and I am not ready to do that.

[Matrix]

Originally Posted By: Mr_Bam
She has all the power now. I also think that she has no respect for me after the begging and pleading. If I confront her, I will lay down the bottom line. I will lay down boundaries about the OM and my kids.

What is the bottom line?

How would you lay down boundaries about the OM and your kids?

I am not unsympathetic, but you need to understand these actions before you jump into it. Unfortunately, once separation takes place, I think you lose your control about who she has at her house and/or who she decides to have around the kids (but you can check to see if you can get a RO or something). I suggest you get legal advice before your "boundaries" only succeeds as a joke. There may be something you could do about any adult male staying overnight or being alone with your children........IDK.

Did you sign a S agreement?

Sandi,

I think the "bottom line" would be that if she continues to choose the A over her marriage, then I will no longer be around for her in any capacity. This nice little friendship that we have will be over. She can send the kids out to the curb for exchanges and that's it.

The boundaries I was talking about would only be about the OM and my kids. I do not think that I have any legal rights, it would just be something that I would state to her. If she broke those boundaries, then you are right, there is not much that I can do. I have looked into RO for the OM, but I am not sure if it would apply.

We did not sign any legal separation documents. We have no guidelines with this separation.

[AndrewP]

My problem here is that we are already separated. There are no consequences if I confront her, except me filing for D if she continues the A and I am not ready to do that.

A does not mean D unless that is your own boundary/circumstance on this. Also, I think that it's Cadet that writes this - a divorce is only a piece of paper and you only HAVE to give up on your MR when they pile dirt on top of you.

The rest are just the choices that we all make - some of us each and every day.