Patience was meant to say your threads will post soon...but that in general it means to slow down, be in the moment, allow things to happen when they happen, avoid the urge to 'do' something to change things or get the outcome you want, and just breathe.
All but one here support not confronting. I get where TX Hubby is saying it looks weak, like you are 'tolerating disrespect'. But that would only be if you continued to pursue her, or to act like a married husband. There is nothing weak about walking away and leaving her to her own mess. I think it is weaker to stomp your feet and shout about something you can't do anything about and that she won't change. Just walk away and start rebuilding your own life.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I think that if you want to make sure to lose her forever, go ahead and confront.
There is no contradiction between having power and respect and not confronting her. I'm a little surprised by some of the input you have received here. Have you finished reading Divorce Remedy?
You say no more pleading or begging - are you still doing that? Can't you stop that without confronting?
One of the things you learn on DB, is to not act impulsively, and to frequently not act at all. Do not act on feelings.
Confronting her is not setting a boundary. In this case, it's most likely burning a bridge.
Imagine that you are finished with the D and you are 5 years down the road. You have a full and happy life with hobbies and activities, work and friends, and you take great care of your kids. You interact with your ex about the kids in a friendly and respectful manner, without arguing or interfering in each other's lives. Your Ex sees a man who is in a good place, who is friendly but doesn't need her to be happy, who doesn't focus on her and what she does, but is neighborly happy for her when she does well and just as distantly neighborly sympathetic if she complains.
Can you pretend to be there now?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
She has all the power now. I also think that she has no respect for me after the begging and pleading. If I confront her, I will lay down the bottom line. I will lay down boundaries about the OM and my kids.
So what exactly do you think you will achieve? What kind of "power" do you think you will gain? What kind of "respect" do you think you will earn?
If your goal is to get her back, how do you know that this will move you closer to that goal?
Painter is right.... "act as if" meaning act as if you were divorced or she isn't a part of your life outside of co-parenting.
You are right. You are legally married and the law will honor all rights to you. This is legal paperwork and not morally binding. You have no legal right to ask anyone anything. Married or not.
It's super important that you read DB/DR and detach! If you want to have any chance at all you really need to change it up.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I think that if you want to make sure to lose her forever, go ahead and confront.
You say no more pleading or begging - are you still doing that? Can't you stop that without confronting?
One of the things you learn on DB, is to not act impulsively, and to frequently not act at all. Do not act on feelings.
I am not begging or pleading at all. That happened 3 months ago. We have not had any R talks at all, so there would be nothing to beg or plead for. I will never do that again anyway. I know it drove her 100 mph in the opposite direction. It was a moment of weakness and an emotional breakdown.
I am not acting impulsively about any of it. I have been very calm and cool about everything for the last few months. I have just recently come to the A confirmation, so I feel that I am at a crossroads and do not know what to do.
It seems that almost everyone is in favor of me not confronting her. I think I just wanted to try and change SOMETHING. We are just in this friendly limbo and now I have the information about the A, so I am conflicted.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
She has all the power now. I also think that she has no respect for me after the begging and pleading. If I confront her, I will lay down the bottom line. I will lay down boundaries about the OM and my kids.
So what exactly do you think you will achieve? What kind of "power" do you think you will gain? What kind of "respect" do you think you will earn?
If your goal is to get her back, how do you know that this will move you closer to that goal?
I think that this is my problem. I don't "know" that this will bring me closer to my goal. That is why I am so confused.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
