My Story

[Zues126]

I must also add that I have a F date tonight nothing serious or anything, I just want to go out and vent and maybe bring up my self esteem, would this be any good? Am I doing the right thing?

What do your beliefs tell you? Should a married man who's relationship is in a precarious situation be meeting up with single women to confide in them and look for emotional support?

How can you expect your W to transcend her emotions and act on beliefs and character if you can't?

OK, so now that we've cleared that up, and I hope it is absolutely crystal clear, let's talk about what you should be doing.

DROP THE ROPE.

Look. She said she feels you are controlling and her voice isn't being heard. Your immediate reaction was "yes it is!" Doesn't this kind of demonstrate how habitually you diminish what she's saying? I understand that YOU don't feel you've been diminishing her voice, but you need to understand that HER feelings are just as real and valid and right as yours.

So in light of what she's told you, the last thing in the world you need to do is try to control her back to the marriage. It's easy to misunderstand DB principles. Many newcomers think that this is some program that they can work designed to get a walk away spouse to return to the marriage. But that entire outlook is about control. "I WANT my wife back, I WANT her to love me, I don't care if she doesn't want that, I don't care how she feels, I WANT her to do what I WANT her to do". Doesn't that seem messed up?

DB is about doing what you can to stand by your marriage, but your marriage doesn't stand a chance if you don't hear her voice, validate her feelings, and respect her decisions. DB suggests that you let her go on her journey, and start to view your wife as her own person, with her own feelings, that gets to make her own decisions. If you let her go, and if you work on changing yourself to where you're not gripping her tightly, and she believes these changes are real, and some time passes, then maybe she will CHOOSE to return to you, and that you two could rebuild a better marriage based on autonomy and mutual respect. But if you try to manipulate her back into the marriage it will just drive her farther away.

These changes can't happen overnight. This is a long process. But I suggest that you stop trying to control so much, and instead be a bit humble. Accept that there may be some things here you don't understand, some things you've done a bit wrong. Speak more softly. Quit charging around and trying to change things, but instead realize that many of your reactions could make things worse so instead be still. Keep posting. Practice validating. Get a copy of DB and read it through a few times. Determine some 180s you think make sense for YOU (NOT to win her back, that is more control). And don't do this for a week and then get impatient because 'why hasn't she seen I've changed yet and come back to me?!?' Those thoughts are old destructive habits. Do it for you, and if you love your W do it as a gift to her, letting her go where she needs to go.