Struggling

[fightin]

Today is not so easy. It has been a full week since BD of the A. Initially W said she wanted to work on our issues, but as the days pass (slowly I might add) she is less receptive to have anything to do with me. At first she would still text me to make sure I made it to work if I didn't text her as I have an hour drive. I have stopped texting her, and she does not text me to see if I'm okay. It is little things like that I notice that can crush me in an instance.

I'm still screwing up too. The other morning I couldn't sleep. She has all the cards I've given her pinned to the wall in our bedroom and I decided they needed to come down right away a 4:45 am. That of course made her angry, it made me angry at myself too for letting my emotions rule me. Then today before I left I was stupid and decided to tell her "Your wife and your best friend are standing right in front of you.". In my head it sounded good in the moment, but it is pursuing behavior and I have to stop it. I don't do it often, but I know even once a week could be enough to firmly push my W out the door and deeper to the OW.

I'm thinking of moving to the couch as we are both sleeping in the MBR when she comes home. Would it be a good idea and help me detach if I moved to the couch?

Tonight she is making it officially a PA, yes, she told me this. This hurts a lot and I'm having a very hard day already. I hate that I feel this way, and that I'm so weak. All I want is my W back and with each passing day that seems less likely to happen. I'm not sure I can live like this. I have no idea how you veteran DBers stayed the course for months and even years. I admire you for that and I hope I can do the same.