Good Afternoon All So here it goes,W an I have been together for 22 years married for 17, on 10/3 out of nowhere I received the dreaded ILYBNILY and her request for time and space; A bit of back ground here we have 3 kids 2 of them are hers D13,D9,S24 its my son but has lived with us since He was 2, the reason she is giving me for separation is the I am too controlling, extremely jealous and have a really bad temper, she underwent treatment for an extreme depression and is under Psychiatric and Psychological treatment,after several sessions and medication according to her therapist she re-discovered her self and wanted to have a voice and say in our marriage (which I always thought she had) she now feels tied and wants to be free and wants a new beginning she says all this accumulated thru the years and she can no longer hold it in, needles to say I am devastated I begged cried and did as much as I could but could no make her change her mind, I need to say that we had been having a rough year with some arguments and fights but after the summer we took a trip to the islands and all seemed fine (I do have to say I had a jealousy spell for according to Her no good reason) but I have always been the same way, my kids are devastated, house is up for sale and she wants to file for divorce immediately, I did some research and I have not found any traces of an EA or PA I had Her come to MC with me and She told the counselor the same exact thing you are reading here and She didn't go back, now I am attending alone, I really love this woman its the love of my life I am living a nightmare, cant sleep cant eat, its awfull I have been doing what most people advise to do, joined a Gym going out with friends but nothing seems to work, I have to say both my D13 and S24 have been my support and I could not do without them, please Guys gime me some support and maybe some ideas see if I can win her back. Thanks!!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Ok so after about a week of no fights and me starting to be calm and cool down I have been able to ease up things at home, had a disagreement because she wants to file for divorce right away, I thought it would be wise to wait until we sell the house so we can divide our assets accordingly, after a few strong words from Her I was able to convince her to do so, and after being set and done She said she felt lonely and that she felt no one was backing her up,on the other hand She claims I am moving along with my life (I keep getting texts from friends and I am going out frequently) and is telling me that in only a month I have seemed have gotten over it (which is not true, everyday is a struggle, I still cant sleep, eat or focus) after the discussion I offered to give her a leg massage to relieve stress which she agreed to, after we were done I hugged her and told her that no matter what I would be there for Her and kissed Her in Her forehead, we have been doing the same for the past few days with both a few minutes of prayer at night and in the morning every time we are finished I give Her a kiss in the forehead and a hug, this morning as I was leaving for work I came into Her room and she asked me if I had forgotten our prayer to which I answered No that is exactly what I was coming to do left and told her she was a great mom and a great woman, She is concerned with our D13 who is angry at Her for not trying to fix things, I just want an opinion from any of you Guys if what I am doing is correct, I must state that last week we hugged and kissed in the lips (not passionately) for a few days in the AM & PM until she told Me it was best if we didn't, can you Guys give Me some input and advise? I wish I could read Her mind I think I am getting mixed signals and I don't want to mess things up more than they are right now...
I must also add that I have a F date tonight nothing serious or anything, I just want to go out and vent and maybe bring up my self esteem, would this be any good? Am I doing the right thing?
I must also add that I have a F date tonight nothing serious or anything, I just want to go out and vent and maybe bring up my self esteem, would this be any good? Am I doing the right thing?
What is an F date?
With your wife or someone new?
I don't think you should date until you get divorced, JMHO.
All I can say is read everything that Cadet has given you to read, read it 10 times. It takes a bit for it to sink in. I would stop with the physical stuff. You cant win her back if she doesn't want it. But you can GAL, Detach and start moving on As If. Do this for yourself, not her. These are horrible situations but if you take it day by day things will get better (not sure what the better looks like). Zuess reminded me that life is full of uncertainties, you just never know what it will bring. Be the best man you can be and a guy only a fool would leave. Im sorry your going through this, I know exactly how you feel, I couldn't eat, sleep or concentrate on work for a long time. You can't let her see that your hurting, you cant pursue her. You can no more make her want to stay than you could make her want to marry you, She needs to make that choice herself. Read your homework from Cadet.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
Correct cadet is a Female date nothing serious just a friend I feel I can vent with, I am confused tough why would she let me touch Her if she doesn't want to be with Me, this is torture but I cant help it its like an addiction...
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I must also add that I have a F date tonight nothing serious or anything, I just want to go out and vent and maybe bring up my self esteem, would this be any good? Am I doing the right thing?
What do your beliefs tell you? Should a married man who's relationship is in a precarious situation be meeting up with single women to confide in them and look for emotional support?
How can you expect your W to transcend her emotions and act on beliefs and character if you can't?
OK, so now that we've cleared that up, and I hope it is absolutely crystal clear, let's talk about what you should be doing.
DROP THE ROPE.
Look. She said she feels you are controlling and her voice isn't being heard. Your immediate reaction was "yes it is!" Doesn't this kind of demonstrate how habitually you diminish what she's saying? I understand that YOU don't feel you've been diminishing her voice, but you need to understand that HER feelings are just as real and valid and right as yours.
So in light of what she's told you, the last thing in the world you need to do is try to control her back to the marriage. It's easy to misunderstand DB principles. Many newcomers think that this is some program that they can work designed to get a walk away spouse to return to the marriage. But that entire outlook is about control. "I WANT my wife back, I WANT her to love me, I don't care if she doesn't want that, I don't care how she feels, I WANT her to do what I WANT her to do". Doesn't that seem messed up?
DB is about doing what you can to stand by your marriage, but your marriage doesn't stand a chance if you don't hear her voice, validate her feelings, and respect her decisions. DB suggests that you let her go on her journey, and start to view your wife as her own person, with her own feelings, that gets to make her own decisions. If you let her go, and if you work on changing yourself to where you're not gripping her tightly, and she believes these changes are real, and some time passes, then maybe she will CHOOSE to return to you, and that you two could rebuild a better marriage based on autonomy and mutual respect. But if you try to manipulate her back into the marriage it will just drive her farther away.
These changes can't happen overnight. This is a long process. But I suggest that you stop trying to control so much, and instead be a bit humble. Accept that there may be some things here you don't understand, some things you've done a bit wrong. Speak more softly. Quit charging around and trying to change things, but instead realize that many of your reactions could make things worse so instead be still. Keep posting. Practice validating. Get a copy of DB and read it through a few times. Determine some 180s you think make sense for YOU (NOT to win her back, that is more control). And don't do this for a week and then get impatient because 'why hasn't she seen I've changed yet and come back to me?!?' Those thoughts are old destructive habits. Do it for you, and if you love your W do it as a gift to her, letting her go where she needs to go.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I am confused tough why would she let me touch Her if she doesn't want to be with Me, this is torture but I cant help it its like an addiction...
Again if we are talking about your wife the best thing I can suggest is start reading the homework and DR to understand what is going on.
This stuff is counter intuitive so a beginners mind is a good start, if not you will think the answers are right in front of you when it is really the opposite.
