where to begin or end?

[sandi2]

Regarding previous EA, we lived together and owned our own house, she obviously cant handle close male friendships. Im not sure how it died but it lasted under 6 months, and they continued working together. I think she realized he was only playing her for possible sex, and once she gave him the just friends speech he started disrespecting her at work and she began to dislike him, and eventually hated the job and quit few years later. Im not sure how i won her over that time

Jade, please take what I am about to say as gathering information or getting tools, okay?
I suggest you did not "win" her over that time. In the mind of a WW who is living on emotions and making decisions strictly out of emotions.........she has a Plan A and a Plan B. The OM is her primary goal. It is her fantasy, and it is Plan A. Her first EA did not pan out, so she went to her backup plan, which is plan B. You are her backup.

For whatever reason, your W may feel that she needs these A's in her life. Affairs are extremely addictive, and some women will go from man to man looking for that thrill the secret A provides. Her security is having the benefits you provide in the M. Even if she does not desire you, not attracted to you, just wants to remain friends but doesn't want to work on a better MR............she feels that if her A doesn't work out, she always has you.

In all the posts I have read, I don't remember one perfect H. However, I have read a lot of stories where I thought the W was a fool for not appreciating the H she had. What I am saying is that every W that engages in an A is a fool. Her mind is living in a fantasy. She is seeking some type of ego food that makes her feel "alive" or more valuable, etc.
In the meantime, her H may be blaming himself and trying hard to "show" her he is a changed man and will be a great H if she'll give him another chance.

If this describes where you are currently, I encourage you to stop that thought process and take on a different style of mindset. By "different", I mean something that feels completely counterintuitive to what your emotions are presently screaming out to you. Yes, continue doing whatever you need to be a better MAN. Before you are a better H, you need to be a better man. You need to polish your masculinity and store up male confidence, b/c you'll need it when dealing with a WW.

This is not the time to try and "show her" what a terrific nice guy you are. (I will explain latr why I mean). This is not the time to prove how much you love her (at least, not in the style you think). This is not the time to try and convince her the M can work. Are you shocked by these statements? I said these things b/c that is normally what the LBH wants to do, and he basically pursues her. It doesn't work. Know why? B/c when the M has a wayward wife. The above issues are not the problem. It may or may not have had a previous effect in your relationship, but now, the problem is your wife's waywardness. I have some threads about WW's, if you want to read them.

Whenever a WW engages in any type of an A, she is rebelling against her H and the M. Now I would like to say that all you need to do is "love" her back into the MR. Have you ever had experience with a teenager or young adult who is openly rebellious and goes against the values he was taught? Well, you can't change how they feel, but you can change your interaction with them, to demonstrate your peronal values, strength, honor, bravery, truth, and integrity.

The rebellious person should see that you will take none of their b.s. If they choose to destroy their life, so be it........but they will not destroy you. You cannot bail them out of the problems they bring on themels. This is tough love! It is hard to see them suffer, but if you bail them out, then they will continue the same behavior.

As much as you may want to talk a rebellious W out of her behavior, it does not work. You can control only yourself and demonstrate the one quality that a wayward wife respects. That quality is strength. I think most women want to marry a man who she sees as being stronger than she, or at least, her equal. But here is lies the curious part about women.......she is going to test her H to see if he really is stronger. May be an unconscious attempt at power play, but I think all W's do it at times. And if you have a WW, you must not be afraid to show you are a confident and strong man who will no be bullied or manipulated.