Me and Mildlife and...III

[CT1118]

{quote=ericsmant2]
Just stopping by to say that I've loved your last few posts. Keep digging inside yourself. You are doing an amazing job from what I can see. [/quote]

Succinct, but not overlooked.

I cannot help but feel not worthy to any of this. I have helped many. I want to help more. Yet, I feel now my motivation for 'wanting' this have been so wrong from the start. Is it wrong to want to help others so that you can feel better about yourself>? This is how I feel right now, and I feel this is dumb ass thing to ask.

I would love to see you expand this a bit....

You and me, we aren't so much different...

One of the reasons I posted to you...

Mach1 -

The post this came from, I ended it mentioning my s5 evoked the statement "Hulk in my blood". He first said this to me somewhere around fall of '15 - so a year ago, roughly guessing. The imagery of this was profound. Especially since my s had only known the Hulk in the very little kids version. Effectually, anger was inside me. This statement, combined with the realization of begging my w to speak with me about our issues and being refused, being told it was 'too late', and knowing I lived a lie before both of them. A in the silent drug addiction I carried - signs were missing as in I had never been caught taking or my stash found, but the symptoms of long term Oxy addiction - the anger, the abandon of external projection, the disregard for all around one's person. Oh, those were very present. Despite the demon's grip, moments of my love came through. So yes, I did see why even a child would correlate me to the Hulk. Enigma continued...

I quit using cold turkey in Fb '16. I do not want a praise for this, but Oxy is not called 'heroin pills' for nothing. Its ugly. I will leave it there. So there, the journey began before it, but this is where I became aware of it, coincided with w's escapades. Five months later, I landed here on safe ground - somewhat instinctual, somewhat chaotic, mostly lost, all intrinsic.

That was home. Outside of home, much different; way before drugs, way during, way after. Outside of home, I was not the Hulk, heroism was not questioned. The opposite of Hulk indeed. Excellence was not only expected at work, I made it compulsory. I applied education and training flawlessly to distract from my f'ed up self to be a great leader, to inspire. to charm, to use charisma. When excellence was not good enough at work, I sought it via education, I sought it via volunteerism, and I subtly flaunted it...emails would look like, "Mom, just wanted to let you know I was on TV again today, sharing because you are not in the area" or "[boss], I mentioned last week I was leaving work early for the article, here is a copy".

My own fog faded, accelerated by here. I realized while I did good things: facilitated learning. provided through outreached, improved my organization...my motivations were all negative - all selfish. Brain was switching from selfish to selfless to self. Still performing - HSt how did I go through all this and still perform in so many areas?!? Power of a functional drug addict, cover up surpasses nature - not second nature, the first nature. Its not for real, but it functions. Then my motivation was no longer to cover it up, but I am still motivated to do those great things from my past, because they were/are good. Robin Hood - helping others, base at base, you gotta reconcile you're a thief. What happens when Robin Hood finds a way to help without stealing, when the Hulk finds a way to punch evil in the face while remaining Banner?

A reckoning of self. The DB process - principle v. principal. I did indeed change "one thing". That one thing was me. Its a big thing. But what about those little things which create the self collected? Principle - this was my basis for projecting a fake me to the world while covering a up a fake me. Principal - I became the most important, and I had to sift through ash to find the little things worth saving. The remnants of self. A revenant - the same person, different motivations, but the same traits.

What do I do with that? I suppose I continue to help. It makes me feel good. Sht, I may have been a split person, one "the lighthouse", one the ship lost of safe harbor. Enigma - you and Eric (or all of DB forum) the light in front while I shined a light behind to lead others to and not fro'. Even I am incorrect, in any way...

My motive before or after all of this...someone, somewhere in time, somewhere here, somewhere down their path, gets linked in here. They read slow. They realize a mentor(s). They awaken from dreams within dreams. The find sand on the shore, which just failures of unrealized stars, they find hope. The work here is honest, the work here is brutal, the work here is necessary, they got here because one other or more gave a sht enough to push, to bring it to the surface. In rereading/rewriting now...

I am a good person. I am a good person. I do not believe in deserve, because I did not merit what I have been through. I do believe in earned, because I did put in the work (good or bad) for what I have experienced. Are we sill not much different? It feels comforting to know that the time between sitch, that the different geography, that the different actors still result in similitude. In this case though, I do not feel such a way because misery loves company as I did when first arrived, but I think hopeful must also love company, for no other reason than we have earned it.

Mach1/Eric : Philanthropy of the experience - you laid a winning hand face down and let me take the pot because you saw I needed money, when the whole time you knew I was bluffing. Don't leave the table yet.