So today the caravan money was paid in the bank. H said to me " would you like to go and look at cars for you today?" -

Me - "um, no thanks, I have not thought about budget yet" (which is a lie, I have and s19 is helping me source a car)

H - "oh, ok then. What jobs have you applied for?" So I told him and he replied "your underselling yourself, you know you are better than that"

M - holding myself together, duct tape at the ready .."true, but I need to have an income so anything is better than nothing right now" (In my head i'm saying "a$$hole, beggars can't be choosers, your lying a$$ put me in this position")

So by this point I have had enough; enough of the Mr Nice guy, laughing and joking around like nothing is wrong with what he is doing, its all perfectly normal to suck the person you supposedly love in and then chew them up and spit them out again, nothing wrong with that at all. So I said "now the caravan is sold, you don't have to stay around if you don't want to", h replied " yeah, I think I may leave in a few days. I don't really know where I am going to go or what I am going to do" ...??!!!Seriously, this just goes to show you how messed up their heads are, he has had two weeks to work all this stuff out, it was his idea in the first place, I did not remember him being this vacant last time, but looking back, yep he was just as bad. I would not be surprised if he decides in the middle of the night he is leaving right then, CRAZY is right.

I am trying to remain friendly and engaged, its becoming harder each day he is here. I see the absolute madness in what he is saying, doing and wanting and I don't want to be a part of it. He really needs to go and destroy his own life and leave me be.

I know my life is going to be hard and I really do struggle with loneliness. I am worried very much about finding a job again, but I know once I have one things will settle for me a bit. I also know that I don't want him in my life as he is, he makes me feel small and I know that I am not myself when he is around me. I need to reclaim me.