Leaving Castle Caladan

[Zues126]

Thanks G. I enjoy your posts and am a big fan. You're doing a great job being ok with not being perfect. That's pretty cool.

Rose, you might be right. I've considered the possibility. Maybe she didn't notice those deposits. Maybe she did but didn't realize it was my money and just looked the other way. Maybe she knew darn well it was mine and has been laughing about it for years.

I have reasons to think she knew. Yes, she is very in tuned with her bank statements. She is on several government assistance programs that required her to provide bank statements and look at her cash flow in order to be approved. She got mad at me once because she asked me to pay a bill, and instead of paying it directly I threw the money in her account, and this messed up her deposit totals. There are other reasons, but I suspect she is very aware from what I know. But it doesn't change anything about how I will be handling it, which is essentially letting it go and moving forward. The only reason it matters is that I know what she is capable of so I protect myself as well as I can in the future.

It's been a hard few days with her drama. She has continued to launch accusations about various things and keeps trying to build a case or plant seeds that our children's living situation needs to change. She's citing all of these problems and saying "If we can't find solutions maybe a change is needed", etc, etc. It's pretty fatiguing. It stinks being chained in any way to a person that is treating me so nastily. I am dealing with it the best I can, but it does still hurt at times and I have to let each offense go one at a time. Then it takes my time to respond appropriately. I don't get drawn into drama, but some of her attacks demand a response, even if it is just a few sentences to deescalate things. And I am constantly documenting and preparing for the day when she tries to make a move on my parental time. It may not happen, but there is too much at stake to not worry about it.

One funny note is how differently people can look at things. She's made comments that hint that I left the marriage, and that we were in agreement about not working as a couple and wanting a divorce. This is odd to me because there is no room for misunderstanding. I look back at our email threads from around BD and it is pretty clear that she wanted a divorce and asked me to leave. Repeatedly. And just as clear there are exchanges where I told her that's not what I wanted but I wouldn't stop her, and things along this line. So I guess it's just surprising to me that in her mind I initiated the divorce and left her, and that we both agreed it was for the best.

That's not occupying my thoughts, just something I wanted to share. I think the general theme is part of something greater, which is being heard. We all want to be heard. Sometimes we post just to have someone hear our voice. And in bad relationships no one feels heard. That is why validation is so important. But in order to hear others we have to be able to quiet our own voices, otherwise it's like an argument where both people are shouting and no one is listening. I think the thing that wounded me the most in all of this is being completely unheard, and the fact that she can remember things so differently than they happened is kind of evidence that she wasn't listening to me. And this is one of the biggest reasons I am happy to be on my own right now. I am so sick and tired of fighting to be heard. For the right to be who I am. I don't want to defend myself or try to explain why I am who I am. I don't want to be dismissed because I see things differently, or I am not the way someone else thinks I ought to be. I just don't want to deal. G, you're right, this could change, I know you're years down the road and I get that. But right now it's just a blessing to have some peace and quiet, interrupted only by the echoes of the past that are increasingly just white noise.

I am off tomorrow, bank holiday. Woot. Thanks Veterans. I don't know why we've been in some of the wars we've fought, but that doesn't change the tremendous sacrifices that were made for our country. As for me, I'm taking my kids to a chess tournament 12/3, it's on XW's weekend but she knows the kids want to go so is letting me take them. See, I eat a lot of crap sandwiches, but the payoff is that things aren't entirely poisonous and if we're not cooperative at least we're not trying to destroy each other. She is a good mom and wants what's best for the kids (I just don't agree that it hurts them to live with me 50% of the time). I wanted to work in some good things in there because things could be much worse, and I am grateful for the fact the kids have two parents that love them. So this weekend we're going to celebrate D5 who is now D6's birthday, read a bit, practice some chess, and just have some time together. Oh, D9 won my apartment's coloring contest they put on so she is getting a $25 Target gift card. She'll be very excited, she loves to draw and color and tried really hard to win (somehow she is a bit on the competitive side ).

And JB, I appreciate your post as well. I'm lucky to have you posting on my thread, so thank you for speaking your mind and for your graciousness. Give us an update on your end sometime. Maybe move to surviving forum?