WW Wife - Do I confront her?

[Matrix]

Hey everyone,

I have been on the boards now for many months, but have never posted. I have read almost everything on here. I have read DB and have implemented 180's, GAL, and going "dim"(kids). I have not detached at all. I don't want to go into a lot of detail about our past because it would take 25 pages. We have been together 15 years and married for 10 years. We have 2 kids, S12 and D10.

Basically, our marriage has been very rocky for a few years. We have gone cold and have lived as "roommates" for many years. We always got along fine and didn't fight very much. We spent a lot of time together travelling with the kid's. We could always laugh and joke together. The last year has been really rough and the last 6 months before separation, she started to sleep on the couch.

I have always been the more distant one and didn't put much energy into the marriage. She did most of the work for many years and tried to be loving and do anything for me. I was certainly helpful and did my share around the house. Over the last few years, she kind of gave up trying and we spent most of last year in silence, but always friendly.

In March of 2016, she told me that we needed to sell the house for financial reasons and that we needed to separate and find new places to live. She said this was a hard choice, but she couldn't go on like this anymore. I actually agreed with the idea and knew that we had to change something. Selling the house was hard for me because we had been there for 10 years and it was in a great location in California where we wanted to be. Other than the house, this was not a BD for me. I didn't flinch at the idea and thought that maybe if we got out of the same old situation, we might be able to work on our relationship from a distance and kind of start over.

We spent the next few months’ friendly and found places to move to. She rented a house and I rented a townhouse with room for the kids to stay over. The house sold and we moved out in June, 2016 and were still very friendly and talked and texted all the time.

About a month into the separation, I started to have a lot of feelings come out about the past and how distant I had been. It started to bother me a lot and it was hard to imagine how I was like that for so long. I decided to schedule a meeting with W and talk about working on the marriage while we were separated. I wanted to bounce some ideas off of her and see what she thought. We met at a quiet restaurant and then continued the meeting at my place afterwards. I didn't expect what happened next.

She exploded on me. She said that it was over and we would not be working on anything. She gave me all of the spew about not being in love with me and how she never should have worked for so long on the marriage. This talk went on for several hours and ended with some tears. I did a little begging and pleading. I tried to convince her of how good we could be if we tried. I had no idea at the time how bad the begging was. I wish I had found this board before that day. I had never begged or pleaded about anything in the past. I was always the strong and tough one in the marriage. I never showed any weakness to her until that day. I think that she lost respect for me and knew she had 100% of the power in the situation now.

As the days went on, I texted and called and begged, pleaded and reasoned almost every day for a week. She got further and further away. She said some very mean things and spoke in absolute negatives about everything. I finally found this board and stopped everything. I stopped texting or calling first and became very friendly. I started some IC and have made a lot of changes to myself. She has seen some of the changes, but does not really care.

I tried to go dark, but we see each other a lot to exchange the kids for school or sleepovers. I decided to take these exchange times to be very happy and upbeat. We make small talk with each other and we have been very friendly for the last few months. I am very focused on her when she speaks and try to just listen (I was very bad at this during the marriage). We mostly text and call about the kids only, but we have had some talks about world events or what friends are up to. I am very nice to her and try and do things to help her out. She never brings up “us” or the R or the future. I have not brought any of these things up either over the past 2 months. We are in friendly limbo right now. She never brings up the D word and she never talks about any timeline.

So here is the main reason that I am posting now. I recently connected some dots (without snooping or spying) and I know that she is in a full blown PA. I also believe that the EA that preceded the PA started while we still lived together and was probably the reason that she asked for the separation. The OM is a guy she used to work with about 5 years ago and he is not married. I don’t know him at all. I am 100% positive that she does not think that I know. I have never questioned her about any dating during separation. I just assumed that neither one of us would do anything like that. So, all of this time I thought that I was dealing with a WAW. It makes so much sense now that I am dealing with a WW. All of her spew and nasty outbursts now seem to follow the WW script.

I am now so confused as to what to do. I have read so much on the boards about staying friendly and trying to build a new R by being as nice and thoughtful as I have ever been. I think that she has been a little conflicted over the last few months because I have become such a nice guy to her. I don’t think she knows how to deal with this. The man she left a few months ago was an A-Hole and nothing like the man I am now.

So what do I do????? Do I continue on and act as if I don’t know about the PA? She is still hiding it from me. Do I just continue to be the nicest and most caring guy that I can be and hope she has a change of heart? Maybe the A will run its course or maybe the guy will not be what she thought he was.

I feel that if I confront her, it would change everything. I could no longer be her friend and help her out if she knows that I know about the PA. That would make me look incredibly weak and pitiful. I would not want to be friendly anyway if she continued the A. I also have no consequences to give her if she doesn’t stop the A. We are already separated, so I don’t feel that I have any bargaining chips to play. My plan would be to “ask” her to stop. As her husband, I do have the right to “ask” her to stop and not destroy so many lives by choosing this guy over everything else.

I know that I could forgive her and we could get through it if she stopped the A and wanted to work on the M. I do realize that we are not sharing a roof or a bed at the moment and this would kind of be like an ex-boyfriend if we ever decided to work on the M and move forward. It would not have to be a part of our new R together.

Please help!!! What should I do?