Her comment about divorce was might have been a dig to state that she's right on track, but I'm not sure.
Her not wanting to talk to the school psych about it is likely based in shame. No one wants others to know they are "that" person, but you're correct in the psych knowing all the details if they are going to be able to help your D14.
It sounds to me that you're struggling with the "more of the same" behavior. Me too. I finally recognized that my "more of the same" behavior was being upbeat and easy to talk to and then doing the wrong kind of 180 and taking all the memories off of the wall at 5am. That's the very kind of behavior she said has been an issue in our M. (side note: I have depression and anxiety and possibly God knows what else as I flip my switch pretty easily.) This "more of the same" is what I have to stop and it sounds like you are struggling to do the same thing.
Snooping is definitely not doing YOU any favors. You will likely end up more hurt than anything. I understand the feelings of constantly wishing you knew where her head is. I feel the same, constantly. I'm always torn between wanting the hurt to end so badly that I'm willing to give her a D, to knowing what we had is worth fighting for and trying my best to DB. However, I'm giving it my all right now to just do the best DBing I can and having what little peace of mind I can in knowing that as long as I stay strong on this then she will either come around or she will let me know when she's ready to officially end the M.
Right now she seems to be trying to get me to be the one to end it. Telling me I don't deserve this or her, that I deserve better. I just agree, but tell her that my love for her isn't dependent on her actions or her love for me.
She seems to be getting more hateful, to which I can only speculate is because she wants badly to hate me and justify herself. I have chosen to do everything in my power to not give her that satisfaction. This is her 3rd marriage and she has always said that if this marriage ends it won't be her fault this time and I think it is eating her alive that wants it to end, but knows she is the only one to blame. Not to say I haven't contributed to our less than great marriage, I absolutely have, but instead of her talking to me about our issues she chose an A so that's on her.
Just hang in there if you really do want this to work. If you're tired of trying, or you're just ready to really be done, then that is okay too. However, if you are truly committed to saving your M and DBing, you must figure out how to do better or you will only continue to push her away.
Good luck to you and keep coming back to vent your feelings and get support.
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
