was or what 8

[roist]

Had a bad evening yesterday.Came home from work and everyone was in foul humour. Not at each other. Just foul. I have other stresses at the moment so maybe I wasn't as resistant as usual.

Within minutes of getting home I had to separate the boys each to their room as together they were too boisterous. After that things just accumulated one little thing on top of another.

I have one pet hate with my W that triggers me. She ocomments on, or gives advice on how I should handle things with boys. That is OK except she does so in front of the boys, which I feel is undermining.
# I make one leave the table for a time put to calm downso he can behave properly. She commented he is too tired and will be like that until bed. He did his time out and behaved better for rest of meal.
# later I rowed with same son about bedtime and moreso who'stturn it was to put him to bed. (Each night I put one to bed and my W the other. The following night we alternate). Again my W made a remark and wanted to discuss it there and then. I said I would not discuss it now as I was putting him.to bed. I could have avoided arguing with son and getting cross with W, by letting her put him to bed. But I don't believe it is healthy that son dictates stuff like that.

There are other examples. I have let W know about this undermining my authority as father. Her butting in shows kids she rules the nest. I have always been open to her advice and opinions on parenting.I am just not open to doing so in front of the children. Am I over reacting. Regardless it is something that I have voiced several times, so that triggers me most.

I distracted my son by chatting about something. We chatted a long time during which he calmly got ready for and into bed. Guess I am not that bad as a dad!

When I came down I was still a little mad. So I went down into home gym to sweat it out. When I came up I treated myself to a soak in the bath. I sat with W for a few minutes but preferred to go off and do other stuff. She came to see me and asked about none important stuff. I wasn't fully engaged and she asked if something was wrong! My filters were down so I replied there are a lot of things wrong. She didn't go down that road to explore my reply but did ask if I would prefer to do something else. I said no.

I can blame stresses. I can chalk it down to a bad day. I could even excuse it by saying that two years of our situation wore me down. Yes I think my W played a big factor in my mood. But it was my mood. I am not happy with my comportment as it reminded me of the passive aggressive avoider that I used to be.

Through all the negativity I realise that my W coming to me and posing those two questions IS a huge positive. I was unable to profit from it but I sure do appreciate it. This morning I looked her in the eyes and thanked her for asking if anything was wrong.

Maybe my W is not able to get my perspective at the moment or maybe I have not being able to explain it amply or in a manner she could hear. But if anyone has any tips on how to broach my pet hate with her in a constructive manner, I would appreciate it. I have been looking up different ways of communicating and maybe I have not being using the best ones.

If my attitude appears off, please let me know. Rereading this and NY use of the term "butting in" struck me. I try to see her actions as being well intentioned and in our sons best interest. Maybe it is the manner it is done or maybe I am blinded by other stuff, but it doesn't feel like a team effort.More so the manager telling the supervisor his job in front of employees.

In so many things and ways I think we feel the same frustrations and unhappiness. We want what is best for our boys. But we cannot align ourselves as a team. I have mentioned this a few times. Has anyone any suggestions on how to pull as a team instead of individually together?

Thanks for listening.

[ForeverYoung]

There are other examples. I have let W know about this undermining my authority as father. Her butting in shows kids she rules the nest. I have always been open to her advice and opinions on parenting. I am just not open to doing so in front of the children. Am I over reacting. Regardless it is something that I have voiced several times, so that triggers me most.

No, you are not over reacting!

We train people on how they can treat us. It’s up to you to change this dynamic you dislike. Voicing it directly several times didn’t work, so I’d not go there again.

A training course (or other materials) on how to constructively be assertive likely would help you... it did me. It'll teach you how to properly go about getting the respect you deserve.

My local community college had a wonderful, several week long, online course that was both effective and fun. Plenty of students interacting with the instructor and each other.

[roist]

Good suggestion and as assertiveness is something I am working towards as part of my desired traits, I will definitely look into it. I prefer to do a course but if not anyone any online suggestions.

Best wishes

[Surfer]

Roist,

You must address the dressing down you get - and it is that. You deserve to be treated the way you let people treat you. My W would "keep on going" however so if you have this I can sympathise/empathise and any other "thise" you wish to have...

I can give you two situations:

1.Your W asked if everything is okay. This is a pre-cursor to can I help you with this? You can even engineer that e.g if she says is everything okay, you can say yes I think I could do with a little help with something. Then talk her through how you feel about this, how she makes you feel. Help her see that you need to be supportive of one another in front of the kids. Not contradict or show disrespect etc. Then ask her if she can refrain from it.

2.If you W is like mine, she will justify what she is doing. Yes but I am ding this because...therefore I don't feel the need to change. Or worse you might say "Honey I have got this...." and she might contradict you and keep on going. If you W is like this (like mine) the dressing down continues because you let it. I did lots.

My kids felt W ruled the roost and even now say, you had better check with M. I now tell them, sorry kids, D says what goes and M will be happy with it as I am making this decision. M kids defiantly saw the disrespect and there were hints at them mirroring it. I had to stamp that out be being uber authoritative, and then undo my W's disrespect. I am still doing this in fairness as its not fully gone. So she get the phone put down if she spews and if she speaks in appropriately she will get anything from "Don't speak to me like that, who do you think you are, no body speaks to me like that, nobody. Do you understand?" It is very rare that I would be so forceful but I do and will if I need to (out of earshot of the kids because it is flipping into her state in terms of TA - Adult/Teacher). Note often I will say something like "That attitude won't get you what you want. I think you need to set a better example." It's tricky and others may chime in hopefully but boundaries need to be that rather than raising the stakes and making things inflammatory and if you have a WW on a hair trigger its dangerous. The boundaries cheat sheets are good though and there's plenty online. There's also the 'when you say take it sounds like you feel that......' could try that as it can take their eye off what is going on and make them think about their feelings and your. They sometimes get stuck on a loop.

In terms of the whole sitch. you described pre-gym. Stay in the gym longer is my advice. I suspect you started the whole sitch. off to some degree. I used to do this. I would come home at times like a 'grump' not always by any means. I got to a stage where I would stand outside the door and say to myself - how is the perfect Dad and H going to be when he walks in this door today. That helped. But de-stressing is important. Try a mindfulness app. They are free and really help.

Good luck chap!

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Sorry new keyboard and the have moved the keys......lots of typos:

"The boundaries cheat sheets are good though and there's plenty online. There's also say something like 'when you say that it sounds like you feel that......' things like this can take their eye off what is going on and make them think about their feelings and yours"

[Surfer]

arrghh "they"

[roist]

Thanks surfer. I'll reply later

[roist]

I realise people are treated the way they allow themselves to be treated. Over the last year or so I have become more consistent and better at not accepting behavior that is not acceptable. To be fair (to both of us) a lot of her behavior that I refused to accept is no longer present.

I now will go look my W in the eyes and question any behavior or state my boundary. I am not the undisputed king of the house or dictator figure but I have manned up a lot. So I am not walking on eggshells nor living in fear.

Surfer, I liked you looking for a better way for my to discuss it. It is always good to try to better. Now I just refuse any such conversations in front of kids and politely ignore advice given in front of them. It is a type of boundary.

I hear the advice of FY and surfer and will further think it through.

These tie in with my traits changing work so I will formally review that and put together an action plan and goals going forward. Some traits are v slow to change but I have time!

Recently I have refound my motivation for DIY jobs around the house and am slowly getting stuff done. I have finished putting in a bathroom upstairs for my sons. So that is off my list.

Job, or other. I have read before and others here keep using terms such as baked, half baked, and different phases of mlc. I wanted to refresh that in my head but any links I tried didn't open. What thread is best for this?

[job]

Half baked means that they are still floating around in MLC, i.e., just like a turkey...if you take the turkey out too soon, it will still be raw and you have to put it back in the oven until it's completely cooked.

Baked means that they've completed the crisis and have come out the other side as whole, mature individuals, i.e., the turkey comes out of the oven and is completely baked up and ready to serve up to folks. Being baked doesn't necessarily mean that the MLCer and LBS will reconcile, but they do wake up and live out their lives as mature, whole individuals.

Actually there isn't a thread about these particular descriptive terms that we use to describe the MLCer. Can you tell me what other links that you've attempted to open? Some of the threads you've attempted to open were purged and are no longer available. As for the stages, well...they are just a guideline and the time frames are not set in stone.

[roist]

Thanks for clarifying. I thought it was along thoses lines but I appreciate your explanation.

The threads I could not open were in the thread that regrouped resources and the titles indicated an out line of mlc phases. Another was mlc for dummies.

Many people here mention W is in anger or depression or other phase. And before commenting on their threads I wanted to freshen up my understanding. Plus will do me no harm to be more learned.