Cherry. He's gone, and divorce is looking

[JksD]

Cherry, I think you're doing great. When your H is more stable and has stopped with spewing and his erratic mood swings for some time, you could try reaching out to him.

Give him and yourself more time first.

You and Sara really inspire me with your strength.

In the meantime, work on yourself. Keep the side of your street clean. Have an improved version of Cherry waiting for the guy who deserves you (may be H or may not be).

[Surfer]

Cherry

Not posted much as you have been doing great. Bit of a wobble recently but so what?

I keep thinking of you and caring for you.

I know you are fine. That's all I have to add today.

Dig deep. Keep doing the right thing my dear.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

Thanks grl. Yeah I think a lot needs to cool and settle before I will think of reaching out! My attention shall remain on me, and the little ones of course. I think, as difficult as being pregnant and going through this is, it gives me something to look forward to and concentrate on.

Thanks surfer, yeah just a little wobble, to be expected I guess. I was feeling better today both physically and mentally. Busy day at work, these dark nights creeping in seem to be making me even more tired!

[PsySara]

I once read that you should not approach emotionally charged situations (or conversations) when HALT (hungry-angry-late-tired.) I think we can add sick to that. So on days where you feel like something the cat coughed up give yourself some slack. I think wobbles are a natural occurrence when pregnant, especially when the spouse decides it's a jolly time to lose their mind! So keep doing your GAL and pampering! You are my inspiration for self care so don't stop now!

[Cherry]

Haha Sara, I'm so glad I'm motivating you there, I'm still keeping myself preened as possible, don't worry! And you are very right, it's like when they say not to make any life changing decisions when depressed.

So after a busy day yesterday, and a lot of sickness since the early hours. I went into work for a while, only to be so sick I got told to go home. While lay on the couch looking after s, wh appears in the house. Rather unexpectedly, it didn't really bother me, as S has been unwell (just a cold, but too young to understand the concept of resting and blowing his nose himself). As pleasant as I am to wh, I'm still trying to keep some distance. After all, that's what he wants, and also, I wasn't in the mood for a potential spew fest. S was having fun playing with his dad (he is still rather quiet and withdrawn, even when with s). So I asked was he okay to watch him for a while so I could get some rest/get a nice bath. He said that was fine. I offered a drink and so on, which he thanked me for and I left them to it. MIL offered to cook (the sight of food knocks me sick) and asked wh if he wanted to stop for dinner. He agreed. Of course he was super withdrawn, and silent. But I was upbeat. After eating he said his goodbyes and off he went.

All in all, not exactly a positive visit, he is still utterly silent (shall not mind read). But nor was it a spew fest. It's strange, when I do see him, he feels like a stranger and I think is this who I want to be with, and the answer is no. Not like that. I've got good at expecting nothing of him (except maybe negatives- e.g. Spew), and this kind of helps me to think nothing of his visits.

Did some real organising of what I need for baby still (I do like a good list). And did a little online shopping. So I'm quite happy with that achievement! It seems to be going so fast, I can't believe I haven't got so much longer in work left. I'm starting to delegate some workload and train others to do some of it whilst I'm off.

[Cherry]

Met with a new IC today. He asked me what I wanted to achieve from my sessions, I admitted that I wasn't even sure. Maybe it's to get some peace or clarity. We went through a few things, and I gave him the back story on wh. He identified that I come across as a person who always wants to help others, maybe as a distraction or maybe I want to save people, but he said he felt that we need to focus on me and find out what makes me happy and start putting me first. This did reasonate with me, I do tend to feel guilty about seeing to my needs. From a db perspective, I think this agrees with it, as it's helping me improve me. He said that wh is on his own journey. I said how I'd become accept that.

All in all it was productive and gave me some things to think through. Other than that, nothing new to report really, I've been getting on with my own thing. Not seen or spoken to wh. He has the silence he wanted.

[JksD]

Your new ic sounds good. And so do you Cherry.

Yes, it does sound like you're a fixer. Not surprising since most of us here are fixers. We're the ones trying to get help for our Ms/ ourselves.

The good thing about us fixers is that we get things done. The bad thing? We have a tendency to be martyrs.

It's true that your wh is on his own journey. You too are on your own journey.

Be well, Cherry. Thinking of you and your little ones.

[PsySara]

Sounds like your IC is a good match, his philosophy dovetails nicely into DBing principles. When is your due date? We should hold a virtual baby shower.

[Cherry]

Thanks ladies. I do still feel a little down at times, keep seeing all these Christmas commercials with the loved up couples and it's a little reminder of what I don't have. And there's times I miss my actual h, not wh, but the man he was. Still I resist the urge to reach out to him when I feel like that, and busy myself with something else. After all, that's what I feel like doing, not necessarily what he wants. I must admit I was kinda hoping my ic would dig a little into the mind of wh, and explain to me things from an ic's perspective; but I now see that it wouldn't really help me, and that's his goal.

Sara, I'm due the first week of march, I can't actually believe how quick this is flying by. It's like I can't quite believe I'm pregnant, or I forget I am. I explained that to my ic, as one of my worries is that I'll kind of be in shock when I've given birth. It's very strange, you'd think a huge belly and constantly being sick and feeling these little kicks it would sink in.

[Surfer]

Cherry,

Those feelings, when you see Christmas commercials, hurt less and less over time. I remember seeing amarous Italian couples on the escalators on the tube and saying under my breath "oh god no".

It doesn't bother me now. I think the happier you genuinely are the less you miss these things. Even your WS. Sounds sad, but it's not really. It's just how it is. It's all a bit 'Frozen' but you really do have to "let it go" and start doing things for you that make you genuinely happy.

You don't need to know about your WH's mind. It's a sign of detachment that you still want to although you are definately getting there. I bet you IC would have less of an idea than you in fairness. Depression, Crises based upon upbringing and feeling inadequate. Looking for affirmation in all the wrong places. Etc.

I wouldn't worry about it as you can't change it. No point in understanding the intracicies of the Trump Vote, BREXIT etc as you can't change them. It's not different really, understanding a WS provides no real key to change. Understanding you and the sitch does. As you can adapt how you think pand most importantly act. And that is ALL you can control really.

Surfer.