I know I am really not one to talk about pain, because periodically I am overwhelmed by my own demons. And I say this knowing that it is the pot calling the kettle black.
There was a time I think when I wore my pain and sadness as a tribute to and a memorial to everything I had overcome in my life, if I didn't remember the battles and the war, then who would remember, what would it all have been for. So I kept flying my flag and standing tall and keeping watch over the battlefield of my life. I would relive everything that happened over and over, experiencing the trauma and loss over and over.
I don't think it was until I arrived here, that I started to question how well this particular life strategy served me.
I've tried writing this a thousand times and I can't make my point as eloquently as you would. I will say this and then attempt to let it be. The pain goes when you let it go Zues. There is no honour to be had in standing over a battlefield where people have died and you made a choice to remain standing guard over the empty battle field and in doing so failed to live
I have been thinking over and over about how you work through issues and problems. I think I recall you saying once that you play things over and over, like practising a particular shot on the pool table, same shot a thousand times, until it is perfected , until on game day the shot occurs like a breath in and out. Automated and precise.
Please forgive me if what follows causes you pain, it is not intended, in fact the opposite is true. I know very little about pool, in fact I am completely incompetent at it, I have never understood angles and due to my complete lack if coordination , holding a pool cue with any finesse is outside of any possibility. I know enough though to understand that if you don't understand the angles of a particular shot you won't do anything more than shift the balls around the table, and fail to make a pocket.
I know you say you are happy right now with what you have with your children and all you have achieved and I don't doubt the fulfilment that brings you. I also know that you say you don't care that you feel you are lone voice on the topic of divorce. I know you say that you are happy not pursuing friendship with women, I know you say that you never likely going to pursue a commited intimate emotional and sexual relationship with a woman again. I believe all these statements are true for you.
But I keep coming back to all these things, all these statements feel to me like you are pushing balls around a pool table and not one of them making a pocket. It's like you want to lose this game. I see you finding more comfort in going over the play by play, pool shot by pool shot that led to the loss of your marriage, than taking everything you learned and putting that into a game where you could win, and likely win big. I'm not sure why the champion has retired, or why in fact the champion in fact seems to have just plain quit.
You wrote recently that you never intend to bicker with us. None of us that post to you Zues experience you that way. Nor is it our intention to make you feel critiqued. You are loved and respected here, by many. Our words and love have no intention to push you away or hurt. We all just want the very best for you. I want the very best for you.
I know that of everyone that posts to you, I'm likely to push a few more of your emotional buttons than the others. You do the same for me. But I know you have my very best interests at heart and you cared for me when I couldn't care for myself. You are often in my thoughts.
Be well Zues. I hope you keep posting.
All my love as always my friend.
JellyB xxx
JB, your words have never caused me pain, they land on me as gently as a butterfly with sore feet.
I am a champion. But not all games can be won. And not all games need to be played.
I don't play much pool in MN anymore. Back in the glory days, 2005-2009, there were a lot of 'open' tournaments. Anyone could play, no handicaps, fight it out and let the best man win. During this period I dominated the tournament seen. This lead me to having a very high level of confidence, a strong personal narrative, and the funds to start competing nationally and taking shots at major events.
Then that started to change. Whether it was the economic crash, the poker boom taking away from the player pool, the increase of online activity with iphone or social media addiction, shorter attention spans, or just a natural decrease of this game, pool in MN started a drastic decline.
The way pool promoters fought this was to start handicapping events. There is a lot of debate about it. Weaker players say they want a chance, and that they can't afford to 'donate' to the same winning players event after event. Tournament promoters said they weren't steering the ship, they were responding to the demands of the masses. But almost overnight the open tournaments went extinct, and the handicapped tournaments became very popular.
I tried them for a while. I still won a couple. But many, many more I lost. And the losses were excruciating. See, every time I won they would increase the handicap. But people were scared of me, and kept losing. Then it reached the point where the handicaps were so high they simply couldn't be afraid anymore because they really couldn't lose. Then their game jumped back up because they weren't scared, on top of a disproportionate handicap, and it became so I simply couldn't win. I could still outrun someone a set here or there, but I was losing money, and getting blasted out of tournament after tournament.
Worse than that, it began to hurt my confidence. During my 4 year reign I had so much belief that when I competed in regional and national events I couldn't help but feel confident. I was a winner. I was a success story. I was a killer. When I walked around the room, I had a bounce in my step. After a while, though, I started to feel like a failure. Like I couldn't win anymore. Like I had 'lost it'. My best days were behind me. That's just how it felt. So not only didn't I have the funds to go play bigger events and represent my state, I didn't have the same level of momentum when I did take a shot and step up to the highest levels.
It was painful and frustrating. Finally, one day, I had enough. I quit playing handicapped pool events for good.
These days there are still a few open events each year. Maybe 3. Maybe 8. They are inconsistent and smaller than they used to be. But that's ok. I play them when I can. I won one 3 weeks ago. I lost one this weekend. But it was a joy to compete. Outside of that I will step up where I can. I'm playing out of state in Chicago this month, and in Wisconsin next month. When I can't travel I will simply practice on my own. If that means there is a 3 month stretch where I don't compete, that's fine. If pool gets to the point I don't get to compete anymore ever again, and all I can do is play in my basement for the personal satisfaction, well, so be it. But I would rather do that then play those handicapped events.
And I've made peace with it. I'm not upset with pool. I'm not upset with the players. I'm not upset with the promoters. Not at all. I don't feel like the world owes me anything for the work I've put into the game, or that there is a way it 'should' be. It was my choice to learn to play. The world is how it is. Now it is my choice to do what I want to do. And right now that is to play when it makes sense, and to abstain where it doesn't. Personally I am of the opinion that pool has lost something. That the young players don't strive the way they used to because they get spoon fed with attendance trophies, and more importantly that they don't aspire to pool greatness because they see the way top players are unrewarded (it used to be the opposite, people would strive to be the guy in the center stage with the glory). But those are just my opinions. I'm not changing the world, I will just live in it peacefully.
This is exactly how I feel about marriage. I don't know that we ever had glory days of marriage or LTRs. But I have lived it twice, seen it play out, and since have opened my eyes up to look hard at the world and try to understand how they really work. And like handicapped pool I see a game that can't be won, a game that is unfair, a game that doesn't lead down a path I want. Like I said about pool, I am not here to talk anyone else out of playing, I'm beyond wishing it was another way. But based on everything I've seen I have concluded what I desire is different from what's available. At least at this point in my life.
So when you say I'm merely shifting balls around the table, or that I'm not winning, I guess I don't know what that means. Who's winning? I don't see people winning, if winning means having a relationship that I would desire to be in. Personally while I'm not here to talk anyone out of anything, I think it is a big breakthrough for me to be able to find some peace and acceptance that the world works differently than I'd have hoped, and to be able to enjoy what I have been given without letting that get in the way of my appreciation for these things.
My therapist told me I shouldn't get involved with a woman anytime soon, that I needed to focus on my family, that it could be 3-5 years to fully heal. My psychologist said "don't do anything stupid like get involved with another woman! Your kids need you right now." My mother told me that she thinks it would be concerning if I started looking at other things so soon when I am still trying to rebuild my life and I have obligations to my children that didn't ask for any of this. This all makes sense to me. Yet I read the threads and at times this seems like a dating support group, one that assumes I'm clinging to some negative mindset because I don't want to free myself and open myself to new relationships. It seems like everyone else is going a different direction from me and I just don't know what to say anymore in these updates.
But that's ok. All of you are amazing people, have helped me through the hardest time in my life, and I'm honored to be a part of this group. I've never had anyone show the good will and care that you have, and for that I thank all of you.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
