The only reason h is still here is because I won't let him go until he has sorted out the mess he has created by coming back. The last thing to deal with is the sale of the caravan and then he is free to drive off in to the sunset to start his happy shiney new life ....again .....
H is delivering the caravan to its new owners today. He won't be back until late tonight, I am enjoying the calm in the house. He has been really off since yesterday, I know he wants to get gone now, he has not mentioned when or spoken of his leaving at all since he told me he has "checked out of the relationship" and this time around I have not asked him any questions relating to leaving at all, which is making it awkward for him as he is struggling to start conversations, especially conversations he does not want to have .....its quite amusing to play this little game with him. Perhaps I will wake up one morning and he will be packed and gone lol.
Yesterday h lost his wedding ring (its a substitute one that he bought for work years ago so not to damage his real one), it has become too big for him and it frequently comes off. Anyway, back to the story; he lost it and got himself in a tizz trying to find it, retracing his steps from when he remembers having it on last, he looked around the garden, then he took the bedroom and bathroom apart and finally went back to the garden and was on his hands and knees looking in the flowerbeds and lawn. All this time I was thinking "whats the bother, you will be taking it off soon anyway, it means nothing to you", but I helped him look anyway ......not very hard I admit ....he found it on the lawn, must have come off when he was lying in the garden chair. It did amuse me at his concern that he had lost it though, the logic and irony of it!!
Nothing has come up of the job front as yet. I should get my share of money from the van in a couple of days, so hopefully I will be able to find a cheap runaround car fairly quickly as once he has gone I won't have transport so need to get that sorted out for work. My g/friends in the UK have been great, not one "I told you so" which I love them for. I miss them terribly, especially at times like these. My NZ g/friends have disappeared, that's a bit sad, but they do say you always find out who your true friends are at times like these.
I do know this is for the best and having this experience has squashed the fantasy in my head of reconciling and living happy ever after with him, which will hopefully help me move forward with my own life. I have also come to see how far I have come since BD1 as I have handled this time around so much better and am less daunted by the prospect of starting again and being on my own. I do feel loneliness and I think that most likely made me push forward with getting back together quicker than I should have, so that is something I need to be aware of in myself, ask myself what is driving the decisions I am making.
Right now its about holding it together until he leaves.
