Struggling

[Chris73]

Hi fightin. I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. Affairs cut really deep and make you second guess EVERYTHING about yourself and your relationship with your spouse.

I've experienced this first hand. Many psychologists believe that once an affair is revealed/discovered, the behavior of the hurt partner is not unlike the behavior of someone suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Considering that you were already struggling with depression before you found out makes it even harder to know how to behave or even to trust your own feelings.

And this is the catch-22 for me.

My W is my best friend. We've always been able to talk about anything. So my natural reaction while going (and still going, I might add) through this PTSD-like situation is to lean on her for support. Right now I'm vulnerable, untrusting, insecure, hopeless, and terrified.

Meanwhile these are PRECISELY the behaviors that continue to push my W away from me. It took me 5 months to figure this out. Logically this is TOTALLY UNFAIR to the hurt partner. But that's just how it goes. And it [censored]!

I don't have much advice for you because my situation is also very fresh. I'm happy to hear that you are taking steps to Get a Life (GaL) by starting therapy and spending time with friends. If you're like me you might feel like going back on medication is a sign of failure, but it isn't if it helps. I'm on 3 different psych meds and they keep me normal. We both have much bigger problems to deal with right now than trying to ween ourselves off psych medication.

I've only just started employing the suggestions from the DB/DR books (and this forum) but I'm noticing a change. Not necessarily in my W's behavior (although it has changed a bit) but in mine. I'm trying to put myself and my kids first in all ways while continuing to fight for my marriage in a "behind-the-scenes" kind of way.

At first this felt disingenuous; I'm not a game player. I believe in honesty and talking things out until they get resolved. But I understand now that this situation dictates a different mindset. I just keep reminding myself that I'm not giving up and pray for the strength to keep going.

So keep reading and keep posting. And take care of yourself!

--Chris