Ginger - You are right! Once now I have told him via text that I will no longer have deep conversations via IPhone. The second time (just yesterday) I told him to come talk to me to discuss this further. The third time he tries I will tell him to his face. Thanks for all your advice; it really does help. And yes, I do need stronger boundaries around him.
Roist - my h has always wanted to handle confrontation via letter. I am pretty sure he was stunted in this area from his mother who was an emotional train wreck in his early years. Her responses were always erratic and plain nuts.
Recently, somewhere, I read that distancers have issues with emotional responses, in general. The article I read advised to play around with the speed of speech, facial expressions, animated hand gestures and volume and I found it to be true. My h seems to get antsy with any emotionally charged situations, even happy ones!!! It seems to overwhelm him. I thought of Mleigh's h, too!
Job - I cannot wait to go home for XMAS. H and his antics are not going to stop my fun and enjoyment. Plus he is leaving earlier than we are.
That said, I don't think he'll be able to paint that mask on for so many days. When we last saw family, two years ago, h had just bombed me. H was talking to my BIL and my BIL told my sister that something was very wrong with my h. BIL said h seemed off and illogical. He said he could not follow my h's train of thought! I played dumb to my sister. But my BIL is sharp as a tack and trust me, he'll be probing as his instincts are really good. He still asks my sister if h is okay!
Last time, h also confronted his mother with some childhood things she did. They were in fact all awful things. But he did it in front of all is us! Even in front of her 2nd h. When I tried to suggest that was a conversation for the sidelines, he blew up at me. So yes, Job, I know he'll blame me. Back then, Job speculated he confronted her like that because he felt safe in a group.
I can see this is going to be really hard for him.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
