So what do i do? Do i cooperate with her divorce plans? do i just ignore everything? Do i file myself? I married her for better or worse til death do us part and while im not person of faith, i meant everything in our vows. I am her lighthouse. Detaching would be much easier if i were dealing with a logical person. But the games she pulling, keep dragging me into the mix.
BH:30 WW:30 T:12 M:5 D7 S4 BD 7-28-16 S 8-28-16 3-15-17 wife filed 3-17-17 OM joint files with his wife
She wants to file not you. Cooperating is different than being proactive. Let her file, the L send docs, you participate as needed and required. But don't go full out stuff to push it along before required.
I see detaching differently. It should be easier since she's so erratic right now. If she was of sound and sane mind then it would be more difficult as she would still look like your wife. This person isn't so detaching should be easier.
If you say nothing or just validate (but not agree) you aren't a doormat. You participating and getting into these non-winnable back and forth bickering makes you a doormat. Controlling yourself and what you participate in shows you having self control and self respect.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
She wants to handle divorce stuff without lawyers. So she wants to discuss all the matters involved, and ive refused to discuss those matters unless beneficial to me or my cause. So then she gave me the silent treatment which makes going dark easy, but then got pissed i didnt inform her of taking kids out of town. I am sorta detaching because of who shes become. I feel like saying "im trying to get on with my life, with or without you, please let me be and stop trying to fight with me"
BH:30 WW:30 T:12 M:5 D7 S4 BD 7-28-16 S 8-28-16 3-15-17 wife filed 3-17-17 OM joint files with his wife
You know reading other people's situations makes me realize sometimes how easy I have it.
There's a phrase used around here that I think you need to repeat to yourself over and over and perhaps start using it in interactions with your W. "Not my circus, not my monkeys". She's getting you to do all the work, does whatever she wants, takes whatever she wants and is outraged when you object. She's acting like a 6 year-old who just was made Queen of FairyLand.
If she wants to file, she can and it's not up to you to do it. If she doesn't want a lawyer, that's in her circus. You can do whatever the heck you want and I would strongly recommend getting legal advice at least. If she objects, too bad. She lost the right to tell you what to do a long time ago. You may have been obliged to visit Fairy Princess Land but you don't have to live there.
The house and possessions are tricky. I don't know about where you live here but here the marital home has special status. You "can" get a temporary restraining order preventing her from taking stuff - not sure what's involved in doing that but I've read on other threads of people doing that. At the very least, anything she removes should be identified and valued because that comes out of her slice of the pie.
sandi2 who I adore often writes to us LBH that we need to get our b@lls back out of our W's purse. I know it took me a long time to find mine. Do you know where your's are?
PS - Sorry if this sounded harsh but you sound like you are moving in full panic mode right now.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My biggest problem with using my balls, is it feels like id be stooping to her level and acting vindictively or spiteful, vs wrong and right. And with the emotion involved its hard for me to tell the difference sometimes. I think panic mode ended a few weeks ago, i feel more like im in the watch n see, and keep getting stones thrown at me by the wife. Ive quit the ILY, im 'coworker' polite when i do see her, and ive gone dim with her. That all said i do thank you guys for your input, clear objective heads are what i need
BH:30 WW:30 T:12 M:5 D7 S4 BD 7-28-16 S 8-28-16 3-15-17 wife filed 3-17-17 OM joint files with his wife
jade - There's some information in the reading about "boundaries". It's difficult to do especially if your W is probably going to stomp right over them the first few times you erect them.
Having your balls doesn't mean being mean or vindictive. It means clearly defining what you will and will not accept. The tricky bit to make boundaries work is that when those are violated there need to be consequences and the consequences have to be something you are prepared to do.
A good example that a number of people have done is when their spouse will spew nastiness to them is to set a boundary that they won't accept being talked to that way. They will calmly state that and then remove themselves when their spouse persists.
I'm not sure how much time you spend here (I spend far too much even after all this time) but watch for sandi2 posting on other people's threads - she's got great advice on how to set and maintain boundaries.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I have read through boundaries, and i try to think of applying the stuff thats being said to my situation, and i draw blanks. Especially when it comes to consequences. Even worse, i feel like she may be applying the same principles onto to me at times granted i think she punishes me out of spite
BH:30 WW:30 T:12 M:5 D7 S4 BD 7-28-16 S 8-28-16 3-15-17 wife filed 3-17-17 OM joint files with his wife
I have read through boundaries, and i try to think of applying the stuff thats being said to my situation, and i draw blanks. Especially when it comes to consequences. Even worse, i feel like she may be applying the same principles onto to me at times granted i think she punishes me out of spite
jade,
I had the same issue with enforcing boundaries, and I think most of us do. What I finally did was look at how my wife controlled me (used me as a doormat) and employed her methods. I'm not saying that you have to be a total prick, but you have to be firm, consistent and steadfast. As soon as your WW knows you mean business, then things will be a lot easier.
Any number of times my WW told me that I should move out of the master bedroom so she could sleep there. She always got the same answer, "No, I'm sleeping in the master bedroom." She could prattle on if she wanted to, but she wasn't going to change that.
