was or what 8

[roist]

I don't feel much like journaling. I don't want to focus too much on my situation and outling it here does that. But for the record not much has changed.

In two weeks we are 21 years together and a third Christmas in this crisis is looming. The first one I was freshly in panic mode and stressed over if she would be there after it. Last year I was holding it together so kids would have one last Christmas as a family, but I had had enough and was close to letting her know. This year I am not stressed about her leaving and although not happy with our R, I am more grounded myself too.

I had expected 2016 to be the year this situation ended one way or another. Guess we will have to see how 2017 unfolds. The strange thing about the longer this drags on, is that on one hand it gives me hope that I can turn it around yet on the otherhand it enforces the belief she will not reconnect.

I have been stuck recently but am moving forward again now. I am sure I will need help here in the future but for now I am OK.

Thanks for reading. Best wishes DB community

[SBJ]

Thank you for your words of encouragement with my situation. You seem to have stood tall for a long time. I am truly encouraged my your strength.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi roist, I'm glad to hear the trip went well and that you are feeling more grounded. How did the gift and card go over with W?

Good on you for standing for your marriage for as long as you have. I know it's not always easy, but it's certainly admirable. Maybe one day W will truly appreciate you being there for her when she was down.

You mentioned wondering if your wife will ever reconnect. I know you still live and do things together. Do you pay attention to her desires and do things for her? What things does she enjoy? What is her primary LL? Often times the best way to receive is to give.

On the flip side, do you ever ask her for stuff? When my wife does things for me that I asked for it always helps me to feel connected. Sometimes she even surprises me! Don’t be shy, take charge and take notes.

Look for the small things you both do for each other, appreciate them, and then build on it.

You have a say in rebuilding this connection you seek.

Our wives are not out the door, so our approach needs to be a bit different than most here.

Don’t be afraid to try something new.

[roist]

OThanks FY,

For our anniversary I decided to put caution to the wind. Our M/R is pretty poor but for our 10th anniversary I wanted to mark the occasion as opposed to reflect where we really are.

It started great. We were on the ferry overnight and I got up early with our eldest. I slipped a card under our door for her to find when she woke. It was a simple card and a simple message inside. I got a kiss thank you for it later. On the trip whilst the boys played we sat comfortably and chatted like a normal in love couple. It was nice.

Before arriving she took a shower and when she rejoined us she was wearing a ring on her wedding finger. As we were settling in to my mam's house, I sent the boys with my mam to collect flowers that I had ordered. I hesitated on the flowers but when my gift arrived too late, I preferred to do something on the date.

I also suggested going out together. It wasn't refused! But it was a luke warm acceptance at best. Anyway other circumstances didn't allow that to happen.

The rest of the trip inter actions were as usual or maybe slightly more distant but with no negativity.

Upon our return, I again hesitated to give her my gift, as I thought it was too much pressure seeing as she had got me nothing. I decided this was for me. I had gone to the bother of finding something in keeping with a traditional 10th anniversary and had done so in advance. Not a full 180 for me but still.

Oh I did change my Facebook photo for a week to one of us on our wedding day. FY have you mastered Facebook yet!?! I set it up for a week and would change back automatically so I didn't leave it too long. Nearly all of our friends liked the photo but as expected she did not mention it.

The boys told me she had ordered some stuff and was waiting on the last thing to arrive. Maybe she just said that to them as they asked her what she got me. Or maybe it is true. I thought she would not have gotten anything, so I cannot be disappointed!

There you have it. I am not going to second guess if it was too much on my part. It is done. She hasn't run away. Life goes on.

[roist]

WE

You mentioned wondering if your wife will ever reconnect. I know you still live and do things together. Do you pay attention to her desires and do things for her? What things does she enjoy? What is her primary LL? Often times the best way to receive is to give.

On the flip side, do you ever ask her for stuff? When my wife does things for me that I asked for it always helps me to feel connected. Sometimes she even surprises me! Don’t be shy, take charge and take notes.

Look for the small things you both do for each other, appreciate them, and then build on it.

You have a say in rebuilding this connection you seek.

Our wives are not out the door, so our approach needs to be a bit different than most here.

Don’t be afraid to try something new.

Yes I pay attention. I do small stuff all the time bit balance it to not be treating her like royalty and me the servant. I treat her with respect and do nice things. I don't do this because it may change her mind. Again this is about me and who I want to be .obviously I do tweak this downwards due to our situation. I would say her primary LL is AOS, so I do tend to try be mindful of that and act accordingly. When I read the book I didn't think W would want to take the test so it is my opinion.Of the 5 LL it is the one I am shown the most.

What do you
mean by ask for stuff? What kind of stuff? Bl0w job is often on the tip of my tongue if she asks if I want anything!!!
She will help me if I ask. She will do stuff for me if asked. Please develop your thinking on this for me.

Every day I look for, see and appreciate little thingsa about her/us. I will admit at times it is harder to appreciate it due to other signs less positive. But I persevere and every night just before going to sleep I list (in my head!!) Everything positive from that day.

Yes she does surprise me at times. Unfortunately never naked in the bedroom or any other room. The other day when we came to table to eat she had poured water for her and the boys. I assumed she just didn't feel like pouring mine. I mentioned it, luckily not narky. She poured the water in advance and as I prefer mine cold she thought it would be colder in the jug than sitting in my glass. I try hard to see good reasons behind stuff I don't like, and am pretty good at it bit I didn't see that.

This incident reinforced three things that I have learned during my journey:
1. I am no mind reader.
2. Assuming stuff does not mean it is true. Also assumptions are often the mother of all major Fucck ups.
3. Communication is key. If I had bitten my wife's head off because I assumee wrongly her motive she would not have explained her reason,which really touched me.

[roist]

Forgot a little detail. The ring was only worn once during the trip, which is more often than here! I did get the impression she hid her ring finger when in company.

[Zephyr]

All is OK. Thank You!

[ForeverYoung]

I think you did well with the Anniversary planning and gifts, roast. That W gave you a kiss says it all.

I was fairly active on FB in a DB group, (I don't FB real life family or friends) but activity there has dwindled down the past year or two, so now I only check in every couple weeks or so.

What do you mean by ask for stuff? What kind of stuff? Bl0w job is often on the tip of my tongue if she asks if I want anything!!! cool
She will help me if I ask. She will do stuff for me if asked. Please develop your thinking on this for me.

I just wanted to make sure you're not walking around on eggshells, or afraid to say things or ask for things. Asking for things is a great way to GET things!

You can ask for anything, and shouldn't be afraid to do so. Just remember to keep your expectations in line. And it goes without saying that there's no pouting if she should refuse a request.

Connection to me means being a team. Doing things for "The Team" and each other. Having each others back. Being able to open up and discuss stuff. That your wife seems to be at least partially on board (or more) is a good sign!

What, specifically, are you seeking when you mentioned your desire for a better connection with W? What, in your opinion, is missing?

[roist]

Z. Glad to hear that. Thanks for letting me know.

FY. I will ponder your words.

[Esame]

Hi roost,

Thank you for your replies on my thread, I really appreciate it.

I'm catching up with your sitch, and I think you are doing amazingly well under the circumstances. I haven't gone through all your threads yet, but will post more when I do.

Take care