Struggling

[fightin]

I just bought the book on Friday and I've read it and made a multitude of notes. I'm trying my hardest to stick to the rules/guidelines, but I sometimes still find myself wanting to share my feelings with my wife.

I'm a woman married to a woman and I only say that so the pronouns don't get confused as I tell my story.

My wife and I have been together 3.5 years and married too. We are certainly not without our struggles, and the main struggle we have is that I struggle with depression and made the poor choice to come off of my medications. I hadn't realized how much of an impact it was having on my W and she didn't mention it either. I began recently to notice changes in her. She began losing weight and generally seemed happier, which is wonderful, but I knew I wasn't the source. She also began texting a lot and began to withdraw from me. I hoped of course that I was overreacting. I wasn't.

5 days ago I got the "the we need to have a serious conversation" text. I knew what was coming and wanted to get it over with as soon as possible so we talked that evening. She had a coworker that was leaving the company and they had recently become friends over talking about the OW's relationship issues. Of course my W opened up to her about ours as well. When the OW announced she was leaving the company she told my wife she was interested in her and would like to pursue something with her. Supposedly my wife said no and "tried" to resist, but obviously that didn't work out well.

Now she has asked me to stick around while she figures things out and continues to see this OW. It has only been less than 3 weeks since they've been seeing each other so I want to be hopeful that this is fleeting, but I'm preparing for the worst. She has said the OW is upbeat, positive, and outgoing, things she fell in love with me for, but my depression ran off with my happiness and left me very much not this happy person she loved.

This past weekend we had her son from a previous marriage (we have joint custody) so we all spent the weekend together. She was affectionate with me, told me she loved me and I never initiated, however I wasn't sure she was genuine so I asked her to only do those things if they felt right for her, so now she has stopped.

I rarely text her and if I do it is to ask her about something else going on in our lives. I have a name change hearing pending for the 22nd of this month to change it to her last name, which was her idea just a month ago so I text her to say I want to proceed and we can always change it later. I have asked her to delay divorce as long as possible as I work to heal myself. I am starting therapy tomorrow and getting back on meds Thursday after I consult with my physician, I'm going out with friends, making myself scarce and not pushing or pressuring her.

Last night I thought she was to stay with the OW overnight and she came home at 1 because she wasn't feeling well. She could have not felt well at the OW's house so I was surprised. At one point I got up to use the restroom and she thought I was leaving the bed so she offered to go sleep in our son's room. I feel she could have easily said she was going back to the OW's house, but she stayed. These things give me hope, but then sometimes she says things that make me feel completely hopeless so I'm trying to prepare for the worst.

This is extremely hard as you all know and I'm struggling to stick with working it out this way. Any advice and encouragement is welcome.

Thank you all