Has her pushing you around to make sure she stays happy, been pretty much the dynamics in the relationship?
Yes and no, early on when I felt wronged I use to be willing to walk away, shut her out, or even laugh at her off, even though I felt guilty later. The big difference between us, I'm willing to give and give until I have nothing left, she is only willing to give until she feels a bit of "discomfort".
How did that work regarding our dynamic? I would hit a point when I had nothing left to give, felt things getting horrible unbalanced, and then would lash out, walk away, or shut down. Or I would feel the need to retaliate verbally(never physical) for some previous hurt, instead of diffusing the situation. Though I did not ask for much early on and prided myself on being independent (and she always wanted to know what she could do to make me happy) once I started opening up about my feelings and wants (always mindful of trying to come from a positive place) she started lashing out, being resentful, or "forgetful" about things.
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Your concern for her may be clouded by the fact you've been trained to make her needs and/or desires top priority. Getting away and staying away from her will, hopefully, give you more sense of a natural balance in life's relationships. This is the time for you to take care of yourself. Get counseling, or whatever it takes to heal from this R and how to break any co-dependency traits or other issues you may tend to develope in R's.
Btw, forget doing and/or buying anything for her birthday, and have a great vacation WITHOUT her!
Yeah, I realize it will only get better from here on in. She was very giving with her body and emotions but never with her patience or time. I know she can be a sweet, caring, and vulnerable person (at least in social settings)hence why I fell for her so hard.
There were times where she really tried to reach and understand me early on in the relationship and I shut her out. While I recognize the missed opportunities to connect (and how I damaged the relationship in that regard), I know I'm not the sole blame and I do not deserve to be treated this way by anyone. She has some deep seated control and psychological issues she has to overcome and I know I can't do it for her.
When I made change for the better, started doing what she asked, and really tried to open up she started pre-jugding and "gas lighting" me at every turn. Her social circle could do no wrong, but me saying simply "good morning" was a control and manipulation issue in her eyes.
Will I forgive? yes.
Would I take her back if she came back for reconciliation? I know she will come knocking soon (and not just to pick up her things) but the choice to let her back in my life after facing betrayal and severe mistreatment is going to be a tough one for me. I would never do someone this way, but right now in her mind she is justified in any action against me and I am the enemy. When she comes off her anger high, I know the tables will turn.
Do I still love her? absolutely, but I'm still preparing for all out war, especially since I have already filed. I know it will not have to come that and things will reserve course, but I do believe that "eternal vigilance is the price of liberty".
For me, I now feel more in-control of my own well being and environment. Things will work out for the better and will probably completely change around very soon. But I'm keeping my war footing just in case .
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