Thank you ladies... lately I have a hard time to see what I am doing, how I am behaving. I feel like I want so hard to detach that now it became automatic for me to just ignore XH, keep distance and basically run away from him.
Coly23 - I did not write all the details about what happen the day we were at the house of the lady from the church. It was way more intense. Everyone there were sitting in front of us two and reinforcing the value of a marriage. For us Christians it is something sacred that God put together in the first place. We were crying but there was almost everyone in a room crying too.
Our journey has been sweet and a way very painful. Hate is an easy way out and I could easily done that because that is who I was. But life has been teaching me a lot. This forum and I what I learned here, my faith and all what I learned and trust in my God, the fact that at some point my life was gone and I needed to pick up the pieces and keep walking with my head tall.
It all made me see some things with a different perspective and made me want to learn more and really become someone with real values. Those ones that don't come from emotions alone, but the core ones that become your DNA, the choices you make to not just walk the nice walk, but from a person that is intimate with pain and joy.
Sotto and Ginger1 - I agree with you too. There is much work to do for XH. He says he has to work on himself and that he still have wounds from our R and the R with the French lady. What he doesn't say is the most important, is that he has deeper wounds from his childhood. He was abandoned more then once, robbed, neglected, left to his own luck.
Many times when we were together, I felt that he was taking all my energy. It was a strange feeling and a bad combination since I believe that one must give but also need to receive.
XH is still confused, scared, insecure, afraid. He may want to give me more room but I know he is afraid of what it can be if I am not the person he is seeing. He feels that I can be a nice person but is afraid his life can become a nightmare if he does not change and with time we go back to the same issues we had before. He shuts down and I create a wall.
It seems to me that he is starting to believe in my changes because I have been more consistent with him. Part of it all is because I have been more sincere and outgoing. Just who I was when he first met.
I had no fear... I exposed my heart to him in a big way and gave him just LOVE. With the help of my faith, I have been able to go back to what I was one day. A fresh, happy and pure love person.
The problem with XH is that now my fear of rejection is a big deal inside my heart. I hear his words of love but I do not see the actions of his love. He uses excuses to be around me and I can see that. But I would like to see him coming forward to give us an opportunity to try.
Maybe it is a goal for me. To keep steady and wait to see if he will ever make time just to make me important in his life.
For example, when he told me that he had coffee with a lady that was very sweet and a very nice person, I was jealous, I was hurt. Here is a guy that tells me he loves me and also tells me he is looking for someone else.
Inside my head, I felt very crushed, XH can make time to invite someone for a coffee and spend some time talking to that person and yet he just use his time to talk to me when he gets to the house because he needs to pick up or drop off the kids.
The way I see it is that he is there anyway and then check on me. I feel like he talks to me because I am there. Then for me it has been hard to decide. Do I make myself available and keep the talking going even if it is this way, or do I make myself unavailable and even absent so he will need to run after?
At this point in time, I do not know what is the right thing to do that I won't hurt the chance of getting together some day. The truth inside me, is that I feel like his convenient plan B. I do not like it that he is not going out of his way to spend time with me.
When we talked about this the last time I saw him. He said that we are talking and it has been a huge progress. That he could easily just pick up or drop off the kids and leave, but he choose to stay and talk. He said that nothing would stop him to be away from me if he wouldn't choose to be close.
So, I try to see from his perspective. But, I still don't like it. I still feel like plan B and I got hurt that he can plan to be with someone else in a date and not with me. For me, he is not really giving us a chance. In my understanding he is trying his luck out there, but still keeping the idiot in a short leash so if nothing works out for him, he can always get back to someone that would take him with all his gaps and failures.
He even play mister nice guy, telling me that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore in my life. That this is the one thing he is having a hard time to forgive himself. That the only person in this world that he never want to hurt, the only person that he loves the most, is also the only person that he hurt the most.
So he says that he has no right to hold me, hold my life, that I can meet another man, a nice man and decide to be happy without him. That he has no right to ask me to wait for him until he is done healing himself.
So I take those words with love, caring and compassion and I am happy he cares about me. Or, I can take those words with salt, criticism and caution and understand that he is making a clear decision to date other women, look for love somewhere else and keep me in "between" as he even said to me. That he understands it is very hard for me right now because I am in "between".
It may sound like hate when I right this but it is not. I have no hate for him, I do really love him for all the good things and also for the bad ones. No one is perfect and I can live with all what is not so perfect in him. I do not have a problem with that.
I guess now I have to make a decision if it is better for me to be unavailable and see if he will do something to run after, or keep myself available so to give a chance for us to develop more closeness and spend time together.
In my opinion, I feel like it is a right time to pull back and show him I am giving up. I will see him often, I can be his friend when he needs my friendship. But I can pull back all my emotions towards him and let him see that I am giving him what he asked in the first place, and that is his freedom to walk his own path.
I feel the strength to get myself there. Even with this pain in my heart, I feel I can stop being selfish and wanting him back. I feel I can let him go and be happy on his own life if that is what he wants. I actually feel that now my love for him is real and genuine. I am able to love him so much that I can let him go if this is what makes him happy.
But, and in my life there is always the BUT word. Is that I am not a people's person, I mean I am not very good when it comes to read people. Can I be totally wrong? Can maybe it be that everyone is right and I am super hard on him? Can it be that I still hold some grudge and wounds that he actually gave up on me two years ago or even longer?
Yes, it can be all the above and some more. I need to be careful with my decisions because I am a runner. I run away from pain and this mechanism is very old in me and sometimes it is just automatic. For self protection, I very often get blinded side and miss the real meaning on what is happening.
Job, I am actually taking it slow. I know and you know I would like to sit down, laugh and say, lets start working hard towards making our family stronger then it ever been. But, I understand it is all a huge process. I am not closing my door to whatever shows up in my life. I am not looking for something else, but at least I am open to what can happen, even if it means someone else.
I still have a lot to do in my own life. I have been working on getting the house in my name, refinancing. Looking for a better job with time so to find something that suits me now, I look much better these days, my kids are my friends and life goes on.
So, what you guys think I could do? Maybe I need to put a list with new goals?
By the way, I have been reading "Bluewave"'s thread. Amazing as it is, I got to a better sense of detachment once I started reading her journey. It has amazing stuff in it and I got so much strength from all the words she wrote and also from poster on her thread. It has been a pleasure to use her words to give me strength to detach, let go.
Love you ladies. And thank you for helping me. Soon, very soon, I think I will be in that position to give back to this forum. I getting to the point where I understand enough about this process that I can help other to achieve it as well.
