Me and Mildlife and...III

[CT1118]

Mach 1 - There was something missing, something I left behind. One of those mental ticks, but you can't put it together at the time. Present and recent past merged today in my head. You had said:

What about it worked ? And who did it work for ???

C, when we come through this via the DB route, we become so much more enlightened in how we respond rather than react, we become aware of our communication, we are light years ahead of our WAS's in that regard...

Whatever she has been doing for all of these months, I highly doubt that SHE has been working on becoming as self enlightened as you have...

You responding as the new you ?

What I could not remember at the time was what really worked, something you said earlier:

And a WAS can smell that, like a drug dog on a Cheech & Chong movie set...

The memory of what you said came back to me today. Granted, you were referring to a different context at the time, but in general, words and actions; the WAS knows the fake from the authentic. Perhaps because they have been trying to master the belief in themselves to fake, to lie, to ignore how they truly feel? The LBS trying to master the belief in themselves for the authentic, the truth, to embrace how they truly feel. From this context, the WAS may not have been working all this time on becoming as self enlightened as we have, but they have been working on covering up self. Perhaps to this degree, that is how they know fake? I could not help but think, the WAS was learning how to fake it long before the LBS was learning how to make it - the two year head start.

One person walking away from something that they feel they are not, the other walking towards something that they feel they can be; there is bound to be some overlap of reality in there while both are studying. That is how they know what the dry runs look like. Not that I did not believe you at the time, but when paired with the later comment posted at the top, it seemed like a culmination of knowledge hit me today. This was a big day for me, despite the s-show that was my work day, I managed to hold my thoughts down all day towards not forgetting these ideas (painfully difficult w/ the issues I got, but used the phone to record mindset).

Long story long, and hopefully to connect, my IC this morning:

My IC session today was kind of a two part series from the week before. We speak about my son a whole lot. A story of something he was doing which involved breakfast scenario from the story which resulted in the 'what worked' conversation w/ you was on the table this morning (not talking about you, just same story). The IC asked me "when you told me she responded differently, as in she paid attention to you, said she missed you, what about you do you think was different that could have prompted that" Essentially a very similar question. My answer to her was not altered in theme from what I gave you, but it came out much smoother with her - and I did not make these connections until after I had left her office later today.

"I believe what worked is that I was genuine. It was feeling like the for the first time I owned my own self. Not just with her, but in general, I am really beginning to feel like I own this (I motioned with my hands towards my head and body). I continued, "I felt like an actor who has been preparing through dress rehearsal for many months. I read so much, rehearsed so much, had so many runs through the scenes...except that morning, it wasn't a dress rehearsal anymore, it was the real thing, it was the show. I was on stage, except it wasn't a performance, I had become the character to the point where we were one in the same - and I had owned it in body language and words, it was not performance, it was me. And the audience understood it in a way so simply that there could be no other way. I was who I set out to be."

"What did you call it before, loving detachment? I love that term, it's so appropriate.". (she had heard me say it a bunch of times before)

I told her it was not my own, I read it in an online support group, but I took ownership of the credence, I fought for it. We spoke of other things I should get to later, it was a big day. Plus, I just insulted actors, I know nothing of the craft. I do think done poorly, it looks like lying, done properly it looks like an authentic persona, done perfectly it looks like a human being being a human being in front of you; which is to say, flaws exist, words are not perfect, idiosyncracies remain, but all of it is believed by the person both behind it and the person in front of it.
Except this is not acting. I am a real person. I have studied who I want to be. I am still learning the part, but the balance between was and is, that is blurring...or perhaps becoming more distinct. Not sure just yet. But I know that I am getting better at it.