Well, the story is very long and I can write a book here, but I will try to put it as short as I can.
XH has been present in my life in a very consistent way. We are friendly to each other. He comes to pick up the boys and normally comes inside the house, if I am there then we always chat.
The only time he was a little upset and decided to wait outside was because I said I was going to the mountains on Friday and coming back on Saturday. He made some big deal because he said he would like if I could change the weekend and go when he was in town. I just said to him that my kids are old enough to stay by themselves and I would go anyway.
We still go to the same church and we see each other there too. He is always very kind and very polite. I feel like I am this very expensive crystal sometimes.
On Halloween it was exactly 2 years mark that XH left the house. A lady from the church invited everyone to have dinner and vigil at her house. I went and later XH joined the group.
He got there very smiley and sat beside me at the table. Later, the lady asked if anyone would like coffee and when I was standing up, he said he would prepare my coffee because he is the only one that knows how I like it.
At some point, a lady that is friends with both of us, walked to us and started talking about XH and me. It was painful, so I excused myself and went to the restroom, when I came back there they were talking, waiting for me to join the conversation.
Things got really heated up:
Lady: Why are you too doing this to yourself? Why you two can't see what is very obvious to us all. We see that you two care for each other, love each other, but in the same time you are not working hard in your M. Pink: Well, things are the way they are and XH divorced me for a reason. Besides, it is his right to rebuild his life. XH: I love her and she knows it. And some more lines around the same subject. At this point every single adult were sitting right in front of us two. We were in the light spot and everyone was trying to help out.
Then another lady said: XH and Pink, you two need to work hard to recover something that actually never ended. You two have a beautiful family and we all can see how much you love each other. Then she asked me: Pink, do you love XH? Pink: Yes I do, and I do not love anyone like I love him. I also for forgiveness since I know how much I did during our marriage. I also said that I feel this way but respect if he wants to follow his own path. Lady: XH do you love Pink? XH: I do, and I love her a lot, and I have been saying this to her for a long time but she does not believe me. Lady: Could you look into Pink's eye and say that?
XH turned to me and said looking into my yes, said that he loves me and that he won't ever find a woman like me, that he loves me with all his heart.
We hugged for awhile, crying like babies and saying that we need to be better for each other and talk more and give ourselves a chance and blah, blah, blah.
So, you think that this is some kind of miracle reconciliation? I guess it is not.
Next day he called and left a message asking me to call him. The message was warm and cute, he said that he would rather hear my voice but he understood that I was in class and would maybe to text him.
I called and he was very nice, we have a good talk about many things but no R talk.
The next day I called him at night to tell him about something from the church and then said I was going to let him go because was getting late. XH asked if I could talk to him a little longer and I did.
Saturday, we attended a wedding (same). I dressed myself up and was looking pretty good. XH saw me at the party and came to say hi, I said hi but was still finishing with some fruits. Then XH comes later to say hi again but in this moment our pastor called him and said they needed to go to another wedding because there was some emergency.
I got really upset but couldn't do nothing. Finally I decided to go home and in this same minute XH was getting back from the other wedding. I just said goodbye and left.
XH comes to the house to pick up some dry cleaning that I picked up earlier. At some point I said: Pink: I was very upset at that wedding today. XH : Why, you didn't like the ceremony? Pink: No, I like that. I just didn't like that you were not there. That for many years I didn't dress up for him specifically. XH: Pink you look gorgeous, I didn't say anything when I met you at the party because sometimes I don't know if I am doing something good and you will be glad with it or if is all the contrary. Pink: Thank you, I really appreciate it.
Then we started talking, but this time some R talking come out.
XH said all that again, that he loves me and even said that he does not loves me just because I am the mother of his kids but the woman.
He also said that he is a broken man and that he still have wounds from his last two R, with you and with that woman from France (he said like this).
He said that he feels like he has been inside a big fog where he couldn't see the right direction, but lately he has been feeling that the veil is coming out of his eyes.
XH also told me that he is meeting people. That a couple of weeks ago he had a coffee date with some lady. He said that the lady was very sweetie, that she was a nice person, that he felt that she would like to see him again but it ended up that he didn't feel anything.
At this moment I got upset but tried to maintain my composure, and then I said some stupid like the best thing is just to let go and move away sometime after S16 is done with high school.
Then he kneeled and said that I did not listen a word he said. I said I didn't get what he was trying to say and asked if he could explain to me.
XH Said: Pink, I think that we are moving in the right direction. I asked God what I need to do that is right for us and the only thing I hear is that I need to be your friend and whatever will be will need to start from this friendship.
Then XH said that he can't ask me to wait for him. But he feels that he is not ready to get into a R right now, but that he thinks that if we give ourselves a chance then things can happen.
He said that he can't promise anything and he won't be in my way if I meet another man and decide to walk away from him, but that is not what he wants.
So, we have been talking a lot more. S22 told me that I need to stop being snobby and just assume that XH loves me and he just need some time. That I need to be his friend and be in his life because he does not wants me away from him.
Every step of the way I get confused. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can just step forward and sometimes remind him that I am around. I say that because XH is traveling again and he feels really good when I call or text him.
But I don't know how much is too much, and how one knows when it is time to engage a little more. By other hand, I know he is dating if that shows up for him.
It is all so messed up in my head that I feel like giving up on it all. I am very tired and weary.
But the biggest thing for me is that I don't know how to be his friend. I just don't get that we need to be this great friends and just be. I guess I am still hurt and I have a lot of fear.
I am much better at detachment though.
If anyone have any idea of what could help us during this time, I would appreciate. Like, how to behave when XH comes to my house, just be smile face and talk to him. I don't want to be fake either.
Well, if nothing, I hope my words will help someone that will be feeling like me in the future.
I need to go, Love ya all Pink
I asked if he is in love with someone else and he said that no.
