Phase 2 contd (2)

[CaliGuy]

So... I already know the answer, but I'm going to throw the question out there anyway because I'm a slow learner .... Is there anything I can/should say to diffuse h a bit? Yup... He's still on the lets be nasty to Feyth freight train.

Yes .... you need to start your boundaries. During conversation the second my MLCr started to insult/spew/monster I would give her one verbal warning "I am not going to continue being treated like this, if it continues I will end this conversation" ..... she would continue to blast and I would walk away/hang up whatever.
This continues but eventually she would quickly stop ... and it would take a bit to crank up again but once it did I would end it.
I held FIRM to this approach, she was conditioned that if she monster'd in my direction the conversation was over and I can not tell you the last time I had to end a conversation in this manner.

He will test, may blow your phone up, follow you, what ever .. .just continue to walk away and refuse to say another word. Its hard at first but honestly this was one of the best things I ever held to during the crisis.

[kml]

I miss my old flip phone - when ex started to spew at me on the phone I would slam it shut. If he called back I would say "Sorry, I must have driven through a cell phone hole." Eventually he figured out that every time he spewed I would mysteriously drive thr5ough a hole.

Eventually I trained him to communicate by email only - much less stressful for me. If he called I would let it go to voicemail and text him back. If he texted I'd say "I just sent you an email about that".

[Coly23]

Hey Feyth, glad bootcamp is going well. My muscles are hurting in sympathy for yours!

I like Cali's advice about shutting H down if he starts to get heavy. It's not fair that you are not only being put through a D but you are also having to deal with him being nasty to you. Protect yourself and set your boundaries you don't deserve any of this.

I also gave an issue with H's family. Not one of them have contacted me to find out how I am. It makes me sad but I know that's where H gets avoidance of talking about emitional issues....

[Sotto]

Great postings above Feyth. You get to choose what kind of behaviour you will tolerate and what to do if it becomes unreasonable. Don't be cowed by it and follow the advice above I would say. Xx

[Pax_luv]

Thank you all for your feedback and responses. I'm getting better with this new anger he has towards me and I appreciate you all sharing your experiences- helps me not feel alone. I think I finally trust in myself that I haven't done anything wrong. He can be as pissy as he wants to be, but I'm simply responding to his divorce. Period. It's the facts. I've done absolutely nothing to make this worse or scr*w him over.

Anyway, today is day 11 of the bootcamp challenge. I've only completed 10 workouts and I haven't been so great on the diet. I have 19 days to go and still have 25 workouts to get in. Eeek! I've mentioned it before, but I'm so grateful for this distraction right now. Last night's class included a club smash exercise. It involves using a weighted club to smash a punching bag as hard you can. I'm not an aggressive person, but dang it felt good! I may or may not have been thinking about h while slamming that club down.

That's it for now. Another week down. I have a big work function tomorrow... A nice formal event. Looking forward to getting dolled up.

Have a lovely weekend DBers.

[Pax_luv]

Hello hello.

Had my formal event tonight. It was so much fun! I got glammed up and felt like a million bucks. Slowly but surely I'm getting my swagger back

To be honest, It did feel nice to have some people who know about my sitch tell me that I looked really nice and my stbxh was an arse for ever letting me go. It's not about physical appearances.... I know that.... But since this is a safe space here, I'll say he had it good. He's a balding middle aged man, and I'm an early 30's ex-pro dancer and former beauty queen. Ok, that was really mean and very snobby and arrogant of me. Can we just blame it on the wine???

Maybe I need that validation and reassurance that I could be physically attractive to others. I haven't felt that in a long time. I miss being arm candy. I'm a strong independent woman (in the making) but I want to be with someone who is damn proud to be with me and vice versa. I digress.

Anyway, I wasn't there to pick anyone up, but I had the best time and let it all out on the dance floor. Ahhhhhh nothing better than dancing the night away with good peeps and not a care in the world.

.... And the beat goes on....

[job]

I am so very glad that you had a great time last night. What you posted certainly wasn't at all mean, snobby or arrogant. You are stating the truth of the matter and sure you miss the companionship. You are definitely getting your swagger back!

I think you've got a good attitude and are doing great in spite of the situation that you've been placed in by your stbxh.

[ciluzen]

So happy for you, Feyth, that you had a great night! Sometimes its nice to remember who you were and are to help break out of what your "partnership' had caused you to become. Glamming up for the night and seeing yourself looking and feeling fabulous is like a shot of self esteem. You are not what he makes you feel like...you are who YOU make you feel like. You are the person only a fool would leave.

[pinn]

Someone is going to be very lucky one day feyth.. believe that

PS: some middle age bald men are hot ;-)

[Pax_luv]

Thank you all for that "validation" I needed. I don't want to come off as a jerk and I'm just now truly believing and trusting that I did not cause this, that I am a good person, and I have to have faith that I am on this journey for a reason.

I loved being married and I look forward to having a family with a good man someday. I think by doing all the instrospective work that I've done, it hasn't hardened me against marriage in the future. I know with 100% conviction that I want to be married again and this time i have a million more tools in my tool box. I trust that I will find someone that actually values me and what I bring to the table. I trust that I will find someone who I also respect and value. Im starting to think this really is stbxh's loss. I'm ready to say good riddance.

So, stbxh has gone from angry/ nasty to completely silent. I still see him twice a week for dog swap... And the last two swaps have been completely silent. No eye contact and no words from him. Today he even hid behind the door. i still try to be my cheery and breezy self regardless of his reaction.

What is going on in that head of his? Bleh.