Wife has filed for divorce

[ngs]

My wife and I have been together for 21 years, married 17. She is 43, I am 44. We have 3 boys ages 15, 13, 11. Our issues started when my wife was pregnant with our first son. I was away for job training at a hotel, got really drunk one of the nights, cheated on her and I had a child out of wedlock because of that. I do not have contact with that child but have paid child support all of these years. We tried counseling early on but we never repaired our relationship and she never forgave me even though she stayed with me. She had tried really hard for a few years reading books, I would try too but I had such a hatred for myself for what I had done and the financial impact it had on us, I was never fully there to do what could have been a correctable situation at that time now that I look back.

A few years after I cheated on her the first time, I carried on a 3 month affair with someone at work because this person made me feel good about myself but I was caught because of phone calls and ended the affair. She told me if anything like this ever happened again we would be done. We were in counseling at the time but it did not help, she has never forgiven me for the past, I have been faithful since but still angry with myself and constantly struggling with stress due to the past and financial struggles. We basically moved forward without ever solving our issues.

I started changing for the better 4 years ago and am in a better place now and became the husband I always should have been, while my wife has gone the opposite way and is filled with anger, bitterness, selfishness and unforgiveness. She has been talking about possibly divorcing for the last year and a half and finally filed last month. For a lot of that time I was trying to do all the right things which were the wrong things because of her emotional state. She was in counseling for herself but that just let her to the decision to divorce.

I have Divorce Busting, read a few chapters but hard to find time to read due to living in the same house. I have sandi2's 37 Dos/Donts printed and read through them everyday. I have backed completely off, basically a last resort technique. My wife wants absolutely nothing to do with me, can't stand being around me. I am always polite even as she is always angry with me. It is extremely difficult being in the same house with the kids and the way my wife acts towards me. I am in counseling for myself and have been for six months, he is a good counselor and has helped me individually a lot. My wife refuses to go to counseling together and has refused for the last 3 years.

I want to save this marriage, she appears as though she has no other choice than divorce to make her life happy at this point. She has told me she does not want to look back 20 years from now and be angry she didn't leave me cause she should have left me years ago.

I feel as though I'm doing the best things I can with the situation I'm in now, not sure if there's anything to do differently since the divorce is in process now. I've been a lurker on the board for a few months so have read quite a bit. Any other suggestions or encouragement I will gladly accept.

Nick